Star Wars NFL Mock Draft: Which character can help your team?
May the Fourth be with you. In celebration of the worldwide "Star Wars" holiday and because we can't get enough of the NFL Draft, here's one more intergalactic mock to help turn George Lucas into Mel Kiper Jr.
Considering all who have appeared on screen in the "original" six movies, and not including various spinoffs, here’s the order in which we would take them off the board — and which NFL teams would most want to "draft" them.
1 Emperor Palpatine/Darth Sidious
Scouting report: Has a lightning release with quick hands. Is a fiery leader who raises the level of the Sith around him. Gets angry when losing. Is very deceptive. Doesn’t move around well in the pocket. Makes up for lack of measurables with good light sabermetrics. Comes in with most Dark Side upside.
Best fit: Chargers, who love the electricity he can bring to their franchise, until he mind-tricks them to trade him to the Giants.
Scouting report: Quicker than fast he is. Much experience he has, but still a little green he is. Vertical leap, impressive it was. Benches more than body weight, he does. A 900-year starter, he projects as. Ears hard to pin back, they are. Well loved as a leader, he is. Does or does not; not a try guy.
Best fit: Titans, who get their go-to Yoda to pair with Mari-ota.
3 Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader
Scouting report: The force is strong with him. Is comfortable in the cockpit. Best star pilot in the galaxy, and a cunning warrior, too. Intimidating presence on and off the field. Makes opponents choke in big games. Needs to better control his anger, which leads to hate, which leads to the Dark Side.
Best fit: Browns, who immediately think he’s less of a character risk than Johnny Manziel.
4 Luke Skywalker
Scouting report: Humble, willing learner. Sometimes impatient. A little short. Can get cocky with some delusions of grandeur. Isn’t afraid, but sometimes doesn’t believe everything is possible. Is a very good pilot in his own right. Comes from a good Jedi family. Is very loyal to his teammates. Comes through in the clutch. There’s no bad feeling about this pick.
Best fit: Ravens, proving Ozzie Newsome’s still got it.
5 Obi-Wan Kenobi
Scouting report: Has mastered all ways of the Force. Developed quickly from padawan to knight. Wields a more elegant weapon for a civilized age but is far from clumsy with a blaster. Just has a bad feeling about everything. If you strike him down, he shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
Best fit: Colts, because there’s always room for another good old guy.
6 Mace Windu
Scouting report: He’s played by Samuel L. Jackson? The party’s over. Rush to the podium.
Best fit: Jaguars, to just add to what’s becoming a badass roster.
7 Leia Organa Solo
Scouting report: Force is strong with her, too, even if she doesn’t know it yet. But in some ways, she’s always known. Strong and fearless. Has a little attitude, but teammates will grow to love her. Is more gritty warrior than rich princess.
Best fit: 49ers, who can see she would look pretty good in gold.
8 Count Dooku/Darth Tyranus
Scouting report: Like his master, has lightning in his hands. Has great grasp of the Death Star playbook. Will cut your hand off if necessary. But comes into the league older and on the downside of his career. Not to be confused with Saruman or Dracula.
Best fit: Lions, because this would be so Lions.
9 Darth Maul
Scouting report: At last, revealed pretty good talent to the Jedi. Double-edge lightsaber is a game-changer. He’s the obvious future red face of a franchise. Teams should be wary that his career (and body) will be cut in half by injury.
Best fit: Cowboys, who deny that Darth Maul also a nickname for Jerry Jones.
10 Qui-Gon Jinn
Scouting report: Has a very particular set of skills, which he has acquired over a very long career. Skills that make him a nightmare.
Best fit: Saints, because he already tends to dress in black and gold.
11 Kit Fisto
Scouting report: Can get to you by land or by sea, and Jedis with a lot of glee. Wins most of his one-on-one battles. Studies film, and shows with his focus on the field. Has a Nautolann feel for the game.
Best fit: Seahawks, because they see a little Richard Sherman … in his hair.
12 Pio Koon
Scouting report: Smart and instinctive player. Can develop into a wise leader. Is the last of the franchise Jedi in this class.
Best fit: Bears, because they’re tired of the Packers having all the Kuhn.
Scouting report: Mauling run blocker at 7-6. Has the ideal combination of power and finesse. Is loyal to humans and Jedi alike. Much more than a walking carpet. Very resourceful co-pilot and marksman. Should be a Wookiee of the year favorite and 200-year starter.
Best fit: Giants, well, because he is one, and he might have gone to Boston College.
14 Han Solo
Scouting report: Scruffy-looking nerf herder. Always has a good blaster by his side. Has it where it counts. Ran the Kessel in less than twelve parsecs. If money is all that he loves, then that’s what he’ll receive. Might be more to him than money. Takes orders only from himself. Prefers a straight fight.
Best fit: Falcons, well, because he drives one.
15 General Grievous
Scouting report: Separatist but equally dangerous with lightsabers in both hands. Matches robot-like durability with Jedi-like athleticism. Wheezing raises concerns about ability to finish games.
Best fit: Eagles, who deny General Grievous also is a nickname for former coach Chip Kelly.
Scouting report: Mature and well-developed in the Great Pit of Carkoon. Once he gets your tentacles, teeth and beak into you, the play is over — after a long digestive process.
Best fit: Raiders, who think it’s time to replace the Black Hole.
Scouting report: Astromech who always does the right thing. Dehousing assists at an extremely high level. Very versatile. Loyal friend and co-pilot. Teammates love him. Gets his message across. Aced the Wonderlic.
Best fit: Steelers, because he’s the droid they’re looking for.
18 Boba Fett
Scouting report: Looks the part. Dangerous playmaker, but a bit of an enigma. Strong pedigree; father also bounty hunted professionally. Rocket-packs a punch, but he doesn’t always think well on his feet.
Best fit: Rams, but no bad bounty jokes, ple ... never mind.
19 Jabba the Hutt
Scouting report: Gives a whole new meaning to “big uglies.” More sluggish than slug-like. Relentless in doling out punishment. Has trouble moving the chains when he needs to most.
Best fit: Chiefs, and no bad Andy Reid jokes, ple ... never mind.
Scouting report: Incredible size at 16 feet tall. Has long arms; uses wingspan to swat down passes and terrorize Jedis. Makes noise. Eats a lot of stuff.
Best fit: Broncos, who see him as a slimier version of DeMarcus Ware.
21 Lando Calrissian
Scouting report: Very inconsistent. Could be a great deal, or get worse all the time. Has a “fake smile,” thinking he truly belongs up there among the clouds. Administrates facilities better than he facilitates administration. Boom or bust, either a loyal friend or selfish traitor.
Best fit: Buccaneers, those old pirates.
Scouting report: An absolute mauler. Always out for blood. Caves in on opponents. Creates mismatches with tauntauns. Lack of arm is a concern.
Best fit: Packers, who know he’ll fit in the frozen tundra.
23 Wedge Antilles
Scouting report: Intimidated by the size of things but isn’t afraid to take the leader. Tougher than a womprat. Born to play on special teams.
Best fit: Panthers, who know something about underrated MVPs.
24 Tusken Raider
Scouting report: An absolute warrior, on and off the sand. Plays with a mindless, violent streak. Very vocal and will get after everyone. Has a thirst for action.
Best fit: Cardinals, who can’t have enough big-play threats in the desert.
25 Padme Amidala
Scouting report: Looks beautiful on tape. Can do that Naboo she does so well. Spunky. Not afraid to get dirty. Character judgment and durability are concerns, but underrated with a blaster.
Best fit: Bengals, who are happy she didn’t end up in the other Queen City.
26 Admiral Ackbar
Scouting report: Knows how to sense a trap game. Good pilot and better leader. Half amphibian, half squid, all heart.
Best fit: Dolphins, who love their (mon) calamari.
27 Wicket W. Warrick
Scouting report: A jittery little thing that has great bravery for its size. Speaks unintelligibly, but carries a big stick. Intangibles are off the charts. Best Ewok available.
Best fit: Redskins, who need a cuter, furrier, less offensive non-human mascot.
Scouting report: Fluent in over six million forms of communication. Very polished, especially after an oil bath, but still can be a bit skittish. Can be picked apart too easily at times.
Best fit: Texans, as an upgrade in athleticism from Brock Osweiler.
29 Jango Fett
Scouting report: Has a bounty of talent. Comes from a Mandalorian-style offense. But also find a clone in a later round. Can lose his head in clutch situations.
Best fit: Jets, F-E-T-T, Jets, Jets, Jets.
30 Biggs Darklighter
Scouting report: Never stops, until he takes his best shot. Loyal friend until the end.
Best fit: Vikings, who try not to confuse him with Diggs Bridgewater.
Scouting report: Likes to shoot first. Or last. Or not at all. Has issues with accuracy and consistency. Can’t do anything Solo.
Best fit: Bills, because even without Rex Ryan, they can learn to love a reptilian Rodian.
32 Salacious Crumb
Scouting report: The best creepy monkey-lizard on the board.
Best fit: Patriots, knowing Bill Belichick will turn him into All-Pro receiving back.
33 Do not draft:
Jar Jar Binks, Watto, Stormtrooper, Grand Moff Tarkin, Captain Needa, Admiral Ozzel
Everybody wants a franchise quarterback, but meesa thinks nobody wanting a franchise Gungan who was banished from his program for being clumsy.
Any Vader flunky also is a major mortality risk.
The Browns will probably take all of them, anyway.