Sunderland fans thrilled as David Moyes finally shows attacking intent

Back of the Net

As footage emerged of Moyes threatening to slap BBC reporter Vicki Sparks, shocked Sunderland fans insisted it was the first time they had seen him fired up or even vaguely awake.

Season-ticket holder Jack Godwin said: “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. David Moyes has never shown any desire to fight anyone.

“There are Antarctic ice shelves more dynamic than Moyes, and that cope better with change.

“Can this be the same man whose life revolves around a desperate but ultimately futile quest for clean sheets? Whose craving for goalless draws has been spirit-crushingly thwarted every Saturday since August? Whose idea of chasing the game is to take off a defender for a defensive midfielder?

“Still, I’d rather he’d shown his new dynamic side by picking a second striker, or dropping Darron ‘Twinkletoes’ Gibson, instead of threatening to physically assault a woman who asked him a question, as per her job as a reporter.”

Brand new Moyes

Fellow Black Cats supporter Kevin Browne said: “That’s not the David Moyes we know.

“If he’d just stared at [Sparks], his pupils dilating even as his eyeballs expanded like furious saucers, his skin gradually reddening to a Byzantine shade of puce, until jets of steam escaped from his ears causing him to trip over and facepalm into a succession of rakes while John O’Shea watches helplessly on, that would be the David Moyes we know.

“If he could just give the same amount of encouragement to Sunderland fans as he does to violent misogynists, that would be just dandy."

Asked to comment on what steps they would take in response to the video, a Stadium of Light spokesman confirmed that the club would weigh up all their options carefully before making the worst possible decision, in keeping with Sunderland’s longstanding traditions.

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Like, obviously.

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