Thank God we have a Prime Minister prepared to face down anyone over Brexit – even those she once agreed with

At last we’re ruled by a politician who can show a touch of humility. Because Theresa May insists Britain will be richer and more free and glorious once we’ve left the EU – but she supported staying in the EU until the referendum result. So presumably there must have been a section of her speech this week – perhaps I missed it – that went, “It’s now clear that for many years, everything I said was utter bollocks. Thank Christ most of you took no notice of me, otherwise we’d still be in this institution I now describe as a rancid pile of yak mess."

Before the vote, the Prime Minister informed us “44 per cent of our exports go to the EU, but only eight per cent of the EU’s exports are to Britain. Remaining in the EU makes us more prosperous.” Some people have cruelly interpreted that as meaning she believed remaining in the EU makes us more prosperous, which shows how deceitful the Remain side could be.

But the important thing is she’s stood up for Britain with statements such as, “In reply to Mr Hollande’s remarks regarding proposed tariffs on car imports, I say ‘Who sorted everything out last time, ay? The Frogs? Don’t make me laugh. I will now outline my proposals on the free movement of labour, accompanied by my Foreign Secretary singing ‘No surrender to the IRA’ while pointing his bare arse at a statue in a public square in Belgium, or whatever that country’s called where that girl hid in the attic.”

She also made several thoughtful points about the opportunities open to us, that we’re now free to find new countries under the sea and no longer restricted from trading with otters and we can ask America to give us their lakes and put them in Kent. At last kettles can be eight miles wide because we’re no longer shackled to the EU’s monstrous stifling filthy rules that she once insisted we had to remain within as they made us more prosperous.

The PM’s speech delighted the politicians and newspapers who have demanded this response for many years. A cartoon in The Daily Telegraph showed European leaders trembling as Theresa May released a giant crocodile, and The Sun front page said the last person to leave the EU should turn off the lights – but they’re sure to demand more.

Soon the anti-EU press will complain it’s been eight months since the referendum in which the British people clearly voted to collect a tanker full of teenagers’ vomit collected from city centres on Friday nights and dump it in fountains at the Place de la Concord. That will teach Parisians to have tables outside their cafes and wave their arms expressively and know the names of philosophers – and we’ve not even booked the ferry crossing, which is a betrayal of democracy.

But at least Theresa May has made one thing clear: “No deal is better than a bad deal.” That will show Europe, once we have no deal with them, not on anything.

So we’ll have no trade agreement, no customs, tariffs, no agreement on borders – nothing. Even North Korea has some sort of arrangement with its neighbours but that’s because Kim Jong-un is a member of the liberal metropolitan elite who doesn’t understand that ordinary hard-working North Koreans have had enough of foreigners and human rights.

Our Prime Minister is tougher than that because, as she pointed out, we only depend on the EU for 44 per cent of our exports, whereas the EU sends us a whole eight per cent of theirs. So if they don’t give us a good deal they’re stuffed.

Some people, though, might suggest it’s relatively easy to sound tough when you’re making a speech to people in your own country. This doesn’t mean you’ll win those demands when you make them to the people you’re negotiating with. The Prime Minister of Liechtenstein could tell his parliament: “I will tell Vladimir Putin if he doesn’t give us all his snowploughs, I won’t do a deal with him at all. Then he’ll be up shit creek” – but this might not make him look as tough as he’d hope. I could tell some mates in a pub I’m going to absolutely insist Tyson Fury dances with Peter Tatchell at this year’s Gay Pride march, otherwise that’s it between me and Tyson.

But this is to be picky, because the most important thing is we have a leader prepared to face down anyone who supports the sort of nonsense she insisted on a few months ago. This is the conviction we demand from politicians, in which they stay true to their principles right up to the moment the population votes for different principles. If only Jeremy Corbyn understood this. If he’d offered himself up to sing “I Wish I Was in Dixie” at Donald Trump’s inauguration, he might make some progress.

In any case, the EU will offer us a lovely deal now they’ve heard how Theresa May is going to be tough. This must be where David Cameron went wrong; he announced before his negotiations he was going to be a pushover because he had a funny tummy.

But now we’re in a much stronger position to demand what we like from the EU as we’re leaving it. Everyone knows you get a much better service from any club once you’ve left it. It’s the same with a snooker club, if you’re a member you’re bound by all these rules and have to make payments, and in return they let you play on the tables. But once you’ve left, you can go in without paying and blow up the chalk and do whatever you like and no one minds. Because you’re free and at liberty at last.