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A three-page CV reading ‘Captain’, ‘Leader’, ‘Legend’
TERRY’S ALL BOLD
Like all people looking for a new job, Plain Old John Terry will be brushing up his CV to show he is the right man for the role after quitting Aston Villa to focus on becoming a manager in his own right. He will be making sure he gets his dates right, while pointing out his Excel and fire safety training will make him perfectly suited to manage a Championship football club.
In an era when many people are preferring to work from home, POJT will be prepared to work away from his family to be on the training ground seven days a week. It is that sort of work ethic which will make club owners stand up and take notice that the two-time England captain, who was first stripped of the armband following accusations about his personal life and then again two years later due to allegations of racism, is available for hire.
POJT is a man used to being interviewed, whether it’s by Geoff Shreeves, Gabriel Clarke or something more serious, so knows the various techniques used. Turning up in a suit to a job interview is old hat, the world has moved on. He’ll surely be plotting something that will make him stand out from the crowd, ensuring a chairman realises he is more than the next Frank Lampard or Big Phil Neville. The former Villa assistant will be prepared with his Record of Achievement tucked under one arm, just below the captain’s armband, which adorns the kit of his potential new employer and his three-page CV reading: “Captain”, “Leader”, “Legend” on individual pages under the other.
Some managerial legends have taught POJT everything he needs to know about training. He will have learned man-management at the teat of José Mourinho, the tactics of Avram Grant and touchline stylings of Antonio Conte, making him the complete package for a team looking to stay up in the second tier.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I saw that the coach, Maurizio Sarri, had sent W1lly Caballero to warm up. He thought I couldn’t go on. My intention, right or wrong, had only been to waste time to help the team” – Kepa Arrizabalaga explains that he wouldn’t have undermined his former manager by refusing to come off in the 2019 Milk Cup final if only Sarri was a mind reader who knew his keeper was faking knack.
FIVER LETTERS
“The gold medal diving skills of Tom Daley and Matty Lee must surely inspire Raheem Sterling and Jack Grealish to greater heights during the forthcoming Premier League season” – Peter Clarke (and others).
“Being under house arrest for 10 hot, long days, I finally ran out of things to do and opened The Fiver after dusting the ceiling. After reading the brilliantly written, insightful and genuinely funny part of your email – readers’ letters – it occurred to me that were the ‘Prizeless Letter o’ the Day’ award a football club, it would clearly be called ‘The Everton Daily Letter’ or similar; huge potential, occasional controversy, somewhat blue and ultimately overshadowed by its Big Paper/city rivals. Or perhaps ‘The Newcastle United Award’? Black and white, frustrating to a small minority but generally ignored unless someone’s offering a freebee” – Andrew Tate.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Rollover.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The tens of thousands of pounds that were raised after Marcus Rashford’s mural was defaced will be donated to a food poverty charity in Greater Manchester.
Manchester United have agreed to replenish Real Madrid’s coffers with £42m to bring Raphaël Varane to Manchester United as Harry Maguire’s wingman in central defence.
The USA! USA!! USA!!! women’s team have limped into the Big Sports Day knockout stages after drawing 0-0 with the flamin’ Matildas, who will now face GB after their 1-1 draw with Canada.
Chelsea have been searching on Freecycle for available third-choice goalkeepers in the local area and found Marcus Bettinelli, who left Fulham as a free agent this summer. They also want to spend a lot bigger on Jules Koundé.
Virgil van Dijk is in line to make his first Liverpool appearance since suffering cruciate knee-knack in the pre-season jaunt against Hertha. “He looks really good in training and maybe we can bring [him in],” beamed Jürgen Klopp.
And Toby Alderweireld has kerchinged his way out of Tottenham to Qatari side Al-Duhail SC. “Six years, two homes, a [Big Cup] final and so many memories,” he sniffed, as he waved goodbye.
STILL WANT MORE?
Would anyone miss men’s football at Big Sports Day? Jonathan Liew wouldn’t, which is why he thinks it should be consigned to the bin.
Sid Lowe casts his beady eye over Bryan Gil and reckons Spurs have landed a fearless, old-school winger.
Catch up with the latest moves in our women’s and men’s transfer interactives.
And sign up for a daily Big Sports Day email here. It’s not particularly funny but, hey, glass houses and all that.
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