This is uncharted territory. This is positively trippy

THE UNAI EMERY SHOW

Goodness knows, it seemed weird enough when Bruce Rioch took over at Highbury in 1995 after nine years of George Graham. It must have felt very strange when Bertie Mee left after a decade in 1976 to be replaced by Terry Neill of Tottenham Hotspur. As for the times Herbert Chapman and Tom Whittaker died in office, well, we can only imagine. But this is uncharted territory. This is positively trippy. After 22 years of Arsène Wenger, there’s a new guy in town. Arsenal manager Unai Emery. Arsenal manager Unai Emery. Arsenal manager Unai Emery. Yes, it feels odd saying it, doesn’t it. Like your lips have gone numb. Like your teeth don’t fit. Like the dentist has injected some of the really good stuff into your gum. Then nipped out for a quick fag, leaving you to help yourself to the gas. It really does feel quite odd.

Such are the uncertainties at the dawn of a new epoch. Arsenal fans will be hoping Emery is a more formidable follow-up act to a long-serving legendary figure than Rioch, who only lasted one year, winning nothing, though admittedly did sign Dennis Bergkamp. They’ll certainly hope he fares better than Whittaker’s successor Jack Crayston, who resigned in frustration over the board’s parsimony in the transfer market. Oh dear. Oh lummee. A similar performance to Neill – one FA Cup in seven years – won’t cut the mustard in these Troopz-patrolled days either. So all that’s left by way of comparison is George Allison, the successor to Chapman. He won a couple of titles and the FA Cup in short order. No pressure, then, Unai!

To be fair to Arsenal, they’re not piling too much on the 46-year-old Spaniard. He’s technically only the head coach, and not the manager, as he won’t have any responsibility for spending the club’s 47½p transfer budget. He’s also been given a realistic short-term brief: just get the club back into Big Cup. Though let’s see how well his job title protects him if this summer’s signings are dodgy and the club finish fifth next season.

Emery was officially unveiled on Wednesday afternoon and delivered his platitudes – “I am very excited for this opportunity at a big club in a great city with a grand stadium and great players” – leaving Ivan Gazidis to utter the most revealing line. “We don’t believe there’s a position in world football more attractive than Arsenal Football Club,” the chief suit chirped, immediately motioning to scratch his nose, a move popularised by Bill Clinton during his grand jury testimony about Monica Lewinsky.

The Fiver wishes Emery well, if only to avoid the inevitable deluge of Ooh You Are Awful headlines that will mean absolutely nothing to anyone living outside the UK or born after 1978. Good luck also to all the north London entrepreneurs already knocking out T-shirts, mugs and other items of merchandise with Unai’s name on in that 70s font.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Michael is very old with great experience and good knowledge. He is a leader of men and he knows how to win games. He is as fit as a butcher’s dog and he is a great man to work with. Take care. Martin” – Chesterfield manager and apparent media officer Martin Allen with the unveiling of new signing Michael Nelson.

THE FIVEЯ

Yes, it’s our not-singing, not-dancing World Cup Fiver. Out every Thursday lunchtime BST, here’s the latest edition, on the flamin’ sacrosanct Socceroos.

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FIVER LETTERS

“Yesterday’s Fiver raised a potentially important point of employment law re: Mikel Arteta being shown towards the door marked Do One by Arsenal. I had assumed, possibly naively, that use of this door was predicated specifically on a contractual relationship, rather than just a casual, non-specific flirtation. On that basis, are we sure he was shown the right door? Where did the door lead him to? Have Arsenal left themselves open to retrospective action? And should he not more properly have been shown through the door marked On Second Thoughts, No (aka the Steve Coppell Gate, for Manchester City fans of a certain vintage)? Asking for a friend” – Chris Sandford.

“I can’t say I noticed the new Arsenal manager’s resemblance to Withnail (yesterday’s Fiver letters), but now that it is established, can we expect any defeat to be followed by the finest whines known to humanity?” – Chris Brock.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Chris Brock.

THE RECAP

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BITS AND BOBS

Lucy Bronze has got her eyes on Big Cup gold when her Lyon side tackle Wolfsburg on Thursday. “I like to think whoever we face isn’t going to be much better or too different to what we face in training every day,” she cheered.

If Maurizio Sarri was dawdling over whether to take his leave from Napoli, he ought to know the club have gone and snaffled Carlo Ancelotti.

It’ll cost Manchester City £75m all in if they want to get their hands on Riyad Mahrez.

Wayne Rooney is USA! USA!! USA!!!-bound for some DC United fun.

St Mirren insist Sunderland haven’t been given permission to talk to manager Jack Ross. “Jack is on holiday, so unless there is some major skulduggery going on, then it’s nonsense,” fumed Buddies chairman Gordon Scott.

And He has no plans to slow down and claims to feel a decade younger than His 33 years. “Right now I have a biological age of 23,” He roared. “I’ve still got a long time left, I can keep playing until I’m 41. I’m feeling good, happy, I can’t complain. The fans are behind Cristiano.”

STILL WANT MORE?

A belting and hubris-tastic World Cup stunning moment: Brazil 1-7 Germany.

Jonathan Wilson delves into Liverpool’s Mo Salah dilemma for Big Cup final, while Paul Wilson looks into the Real Madrid trophy machine.

A very Ivan coup. David Hytner on Arsenal.

It’s the Adam and Erics, our complete review of the Ligue 1 season.

Exeter are a game from League One and Steve Perryman one from retirement. Ben Fisher has more.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s MLS stay has quickly gone downhill, reckons Graham Ruthven.

The origins of Pichichi, by Dan Parry.

VAR at the World Cup? What is it good for?

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