What will happen in the Premier League this weekend?

Jurgen Klopp will celebrate a goal so hard he’ll rule Daniel Sturridge out of the Euros

The Liverpool manager just can’t control himself. When that ball hits the net, Jurgen Klopp is outside his body, whilst everyone gets in the way of his body - limbs everywhere, face gurning, glasses smashes into countless pieces. It’s about time someone at Anfield got him laser eye surgery.

It’s all fun and games until somebody gets hurts, though - clearly Klopp’s mother never told him that after having a swing-ball smashed into his face (not that I’m speaking through personal experience, or anything). And when somebody gets hurt at Anfield it’s invariably Daniel Sturridge.

The Liverpool striker is due an injury having gone at least a few days without straining his groin or tearing his hamstring or stubbing his toe or getting soap in his eyes. Strurridge needn’t even prepare for this summer’s European Championships, because it’s inevitable he will be sidelined for them.

Given the manner of his goal celebrations it’s safe to assume that Klopp will be at fault for that. Sturridge will be performing his funky robot dance against Spurs this weekend only to be ambushed by the flailing German, smushing his grizzly face into that of his striker’s, somehow snapping his ACL in the process. It’s any wonder it hasn’t happened already.

Arsenal will falter again at home and Stan Kroenke still won’t care

Results are measured differently at the Emirates Stadium. Most club owners face the way of the pitch when attending games. But not Stan Kroenke. Ever wondered why the American is never spotted watching Arsenal? It’s because he never actually watches them. He sits in seat, turned in the opposite direction, observing the turnstiles instead, listening for the sweet, sweet ring of the cash register.

He’d do well to listen to Arsenal’s fanbase right now, however (although he should still spare himself Arsenal Fan TV. Nobody deserves to be put through watching that). Disgruntlement is growing quickly, with #WengerOut fast becoming the #StopKony of 2016.

Twitter (which wasn’t even around when Arsenal last won the league) has become the arena for such debates over the Arsene Wenger’s future, with Piers Morgan acting as Commudus giving the thumbs up or thumbs down. This season should have been the Gunners’ season, with the Premier League trophy left unguarded, but instead they face another summer of soul searching, probably led by Claude or Ty or whichever wannabe Robbie Savage they can capture in Vine form.

The last result to prompt widespread protest was a 2-1 home defeat to Watford in the FA Cup, with Wenger’s side face Quique Sanchez Flores’ men once more this weekend. The title is already out of reach, so what will another dismal performance and result matter? Nobody likes hornets much, but Arsenal are more adverse to their sting than most.

Louis Van Gaal will name Marcus Rashford as a substitute but not allow him to sit on the bench

Manchester United waited all season long for a saviour. They thought it might be Jesse Lingard, until he celebrated a goal by ‘dabbing’ and discredited everything good he had done until that point. Anthony Martial looked to be the man for the vacancy, until he was turned into a winger (because what else would you do with a natural goalscorer?). They finally found one in Marcus Rashford, though. So it’s only natural, I guess, that he has now been ostracised from the first team at Old Trafford.

Recent reports claim the teenager still doesn’t train with United’s first team, despite scoring three goals in his first four senior appearances. Rashford had the freedom of the Etihad Stadium playing surface two weeks ago, but it seems he is not afforded the same luxury at his own club.

Rashford must be prepared for Louis Van Gaal’s next ruse. The Dutchman will take his trolling to the next level by naming Rashford a substitute for this weekend’s clash with Everton, but refusing him a place on the bench. They’ll let him sit in the stands, or down with the paramedics on the touchline, but not with the rest of his teammates. Given the way Victor Valdes was treated by Van Gaal perhaps Rashford should count himself fortunate.

Aston Villa will face Chelsea without a manager, because what does it really matter?

Anyone could turn up to take charge of Aston Villa in Saturday’s lunch time kick off, it wouldn’t matter. By appointing Erick Black as interim head coach, they have pretty much explicitly admitted so, with the Scot now considered Caretaker Willie of English football after temporary stints as manager of Birmingham City, Sunderland, Blackburn Rovers, Wigan Athletic and Rotherham United.

Remi Garde’s dismissal on Tuesday evening was buried in the middle of an England game, as if nobody would notice when the Frenchman failed to turn up at Villa Park this weekend. It wasn’t the worst ploy, given that nobody has taken much notice of Aston Villa for quite some time now. They were doomed long ago.

They could do whatever they like against Chelsea and the effect would be minimal. It’s rather appropriate that Villa have no manager at present because it’s been months since they had a team of any discernible presence. In fact, Black should just take the day off. What does it really matter? Villa should sell their stadium to a supermarket or a TK Maxx, with their fanbase told to support Birmingham City instead. The reverse Alex McLeish, that’s called.

Leicester City will continue their procession to title glory

The collective well of jokes, puns and faux derision has dried up. There’s nothing left. Leicester City are for real. They are quite simply the best team in the Premier League this season and are rightful favourites to win the title. There is no reason to doubt them any longer.

Southampton are the visitors to the King Power Stadium this weekend as the Foxes continue the filming of their best-ever selling DVD season review. They’ve started the taping the extras already. Jamie Vardy is down for a director’s commentary in which he reveals the real origin of ‘chat s***, get banged.’

Indeed, it all seems a bit of a procession now, with Leicester winning their last three league games by a 1-0 scoreline. They’re not even trying any more, effortlessly racking up victories quicker than Riyad Mahrez can rack up nutmegs. Just give them the trophy now so their billionaire owner can strap it into his helicopter and fly it back to his mantelpiece.