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37 of the best Homer Simpson quotes of all time

The best Homer Simpson quotes of all time

Many of us like nothing more than to spend our time batting Simpsons quotes back and forth with family and friends, and none are more amusing than the greats from Homer himself. Here are our favourite winning words from Springfield’s resident goof...

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Dinosaurs

The Quote: “I’ve gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren’t just confined to zoos.”

Why We Love It: Ah, the infiltration of Jurassic Park into social consciousness. Fantastic.

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Spaceships

The Quote: “I’m like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?”

Why We Love It: Because it’s worth letting this one slip when attending humdrum social occasions in an attempt to shake loose fellow film fans.

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In The Theatre

The Quote: "Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty to make a complete a*s of myself."

Why We Love It: Kudos to the writers for using Homer’s terrible public behaviour to channel their thoughts on individuals who disrupt cinema experiences. By ‘eck, who knew it was a duty?

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Idiot Box

he Quote: “Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret Lover.”

Why We Love It: If we were stranded in the middle of nowhere, we’d likely shriek the same mantra.

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Quick Time

The Quote: “Forty seconds? But I want it now!”

Why We Love It: We’ve all faced the microwave timer with the same thought - even if do keep it to ourselves.

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Dentistry

The Quote: “Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.”

Why We Love It: Well, it’s only fair, right?

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Anger Management

The Quote: "Yes, honey... Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.”

Why We Love It: Once more, it proves that following Homer’s advice is likely to result in an arrest.

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School

The Quote: "The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."

Why We Love It: Because it’s quite possibly the worst advice you could bestow upon a child.

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Maturity

The Quote: “I can’t even say the word ‘t*tmouse’ without giggling like a schoolgirl.”

Why We Love It: Because we can’t either.

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Smarts

The Quote: “Lord help me, I’m just not that bright.”

Why We Love It: He’s so honest about his shortcomings; even if it doesn’t exactly paint him in a favourable light. Aw, bless.

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Millionaires

The Quote: “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!”

Why We Love It: He’s such a loveable doof, despite being way off the mark on both counts you can’t help but smile at his optimism.

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Booze

The Quote: “To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.”

Why We Love It: Homer’s got an iota of responsibility towards his drinking habit, raising a glass with the knowledge of what may follow... well, in this one scene anyway.

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Life Goals

The Quote: “All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”

Why We Love It: Where to start?

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Failure

The Quote: “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

Why We Love It: It’s a hilarious spin on typical parental advice; “all that matters is that you tried your best.” No wonder Bart’s always scribbling at the blackboard...

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Precocious Kiddies

The Quote: “I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised I could beat my dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.”

Why We Love It: A double-pronged classic Homerism, starts with a wander down a nostalgic memory lane before making light of Homer’s relationship with Bart. Brilliant.

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TV Is The Answer

The Quote: “When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!”

Why We Love It: Because it’s a sneakily brilliant quote to use when your other half gives you the evil side eye for opening another drinkie... and then lets you dictate the TV schedule as a compromise. Result!

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The Shinning

The Quote: “No TV and no beer makes Homer something something.”

Why We Love It: Even in his portrayal of a tormented psychotic writer, Homer still bumbles his way through the most iconic line of the film he’s parodying.

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Popularity

The Quote: “Being popular is the most important thing in the world!”

Why We Love It: An early spot of parenting advice to Bart from way back in season one, it’s so silly that there’s no way we couldn’t love it.

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Statistics

The Quote: “Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14 percent of all people know that.”

Why We Love It: Whether or not this specific episode is the origin of this joke, it’s a timeless gag that never fails to raise a smile.

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Hoarding Homer

The Quote: "Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV guides... so many memories..."

Why We Love It: One of Homer J’s most nonsensical arguments, yet it’s strangely interesting to note - is there a sly nod to Back To The Future here?

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Sexual Politics

The Quote: “Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.”

Why We Love It: The climate of political correctness has never been ripped into with such scathing ridicule!

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Superman

The Quote: “I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.”

Why We Love It: For all of his rants and queries about religion, it’s heartening to know that in times of crisis, Homer, like us, turns to the man of steel for guidance.

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Marge The Cop

The Quote: “When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy”.”

Why We Love It: The commendation here is deserved by The Simpsons writers, for their witty meta-riffs on cinematic comedy - and their second sly elbow into the ribs of Police Academy.

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Movies

The Quote: “They’re my only escape from the drudgery of work and family… No offense.”

Why We Love It: While we believe it’s possible to maintain a healthy relationship with movies (ahem), Homer’s response is still killer.

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Watching TV

The Quote: “It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”

Why We Love It: Because we’ve all experienced the incessant need to digest as many movies and boxsets as possible whilst holding down our familial obligations.

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Suit You, Sir

The Quote: “Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You/re making a scene’.”

Why We Love It: Homer’s knowledge of his own behaviour is both poignant and amusing at the same time.

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Weasels

The Quote: “Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”

Why We Love It: It’s another standard slice of Homeresque parenting.

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The Facts Of Life

The Quote: “Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”

Why We Love It: In typical Homer fashion he’s managed to prove a point he intended to disprove.

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Literature

The Quote: “Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the colour of his skin… but what good does that do me?”

Why We Love It: Homer’s unknowing irony on misleading literary titles is winning; most of all it’s funny, and comes with a giant helping of social commentary.

And he does have a point about the title.

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Achievements

The Quote: “If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.”

Why We Love It: The antithesis of many revered maxims on hard work, it’s comforting to turn to this when faced with compiling Harvard-standard referencing for your PhD bibliography.

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Substances

The Quote: “Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.”

Why We Love It: Who needs a simile when things are best compared to themselves?

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Civic Duty

The Quote: “Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.”

Why We Love It: As is the case with a fair wodge of Homer’s aphorisms, this has a nugget of truth to it!

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Computer Illiteracy

The Quote: “‘To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?”

Why We Love It: ...because we’ve all taken instructions too literally before.

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Meeting Aliens

The Quote: “Oh my god, space aliens. Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!”

Why We Love It: An honest admission most folks would take to their deaths, Homer bypasses his conscience for a far funnier exchange with extraterrestrials.

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Work Ethic

The Quote: “Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-a*sed. That's the American way.”

Why We Love It: There’s no sugar coating of advice before it is dispensed to his offspring - his slacker nature is worn with pride akin to something acquired by actual hard graft. Hurrah for honesty!

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The Lottery

The Quote: “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.”

Why We Love It: Is this wry oxymoronic statement, delivered in earnest to his tearaway son, Bart, proof of Homer’s hidden intellectual side? No, probably not.

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Classic Catchphrase

The Quote: “D’oh!”

Why We Love It: Homer’s classic go-to phrase captures his doltish nature perfectly, and is adopted for usage in most of his day-to-day activities.

Bonus point! An amusing utterance, D’oh grabbed ahold of popular culture and never lost its grip, going so far as to warrant entry into the OED in 2001.

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Winning words from Springfield’s resident goof