'The Walking Dead' apocalypse quips: Abraham's best lines

Kimberly Potts
Writer, Yahoo Entertainment

To celebrate the Oct. 22 Season 8 premiere of The Walking Dead — the series’ 100th episode — Yahoo Entertainment will be posting a new TWD-related story every day through the season opener.

One of the things we needed most in Season 7 of The Walking Dead wasn’t just the fierce, fightin’ presence of Abraham Ford, but what we know would certainly have been some colorful commentary on the antics of Negan, Simon, and the rest of the Saviors. No other character in the show’s history could so pithily sum up what everyone was thinking like Abraham, and it’s impossible to imagine now that anyone but Michael Cudlitz could have so craftily, cheekily, and sincerely delivered those Abrahamisms. Here, a collection of our favorite verbal moments with the character we’ll miss until TWD end times.

The Walking Dead Season 8 premieres Oct. 22 at 9 p.m. on AMC.

Up Your Nose With a Fire Hose

Season 5, “Self Help”

Abraham’s quest to get Eugene to Washington D.C. so he can unleash that cure for zombiedom took some bad turns in this episode, including a crashed church bus and a broken down fire truck, both of which were transporting Abe and company. While working on the fire truck engine, the group met up with a horde of walkers, and a quick-thinking Eugene used the truck’s high-pressure hose to literally wash the walkers’ faces off their bodies. Abraham was in awe as the undead were knocked off their shambling feet by the water. “I been to eight county fairs and one goat rodeo,” he told his friends. “I never seen anything like that.”

(Credit: AMC)

Smooth Move

Season 5, “Self Help”

Before the shenanigans with the fire truck, Abraham was happily flying down the highway behind the wheel of a church bus, fantasizing about how he might be able to retire one day soon — after getting Eugene to D.C. and that cure, of course. He was thinking about relaxing his grooming standards, as he put it, until Rosita pointed out he needed to freshen up his haircut. He agreed, telling her, “Maybe I’ll let you shave me down all over, dolphin-smooth.”

(Credit: AMC)

Who Dat?

Season 5, “Remember”

When Rick and his crew first enter the gates of Alexandria, they were asked to turn over their weapons, after which they would have a meeting with someone named Deanna, to get more information on the community. As they all stood gathered, suspicious, and on guard about this other group of folks they were about to meet, from the back of the group came a loud, gruff voice: “Who’s Deanna?!” Abraham shouted. Michael Cudlitz’s castmates and TWD EP and episode director Greg Nicotero told Yahoo Entertainment at the time that the entire cast and crew had a tough time not cracking up at Abe’s line and Cudlitz’s enthusiastic delivery.

(Credit: AMC)

Red to the Rescue

Season 5, “Spend”

The ‘fraidy cat Alexandrians were willing to leave one of their own on her own when a group of walkers surprised them on a construction site. Abraham, of course, was not, and ran to make sure Francine was in a safe place. That left him surrounded by the undead, and uttering one of his favorite phrases, “Mother d***!” before he tossed his gun to Francine, grabbed a construction tool for himself and teamed up with his new neighbor to take out a whole mess of growlin’ zombies.

(Credit: AMC)

You Don’t Know Jack. Er, Rick

Season 5, “Conquer”

The Alexandrians, including leader Deanna, were ready to banish Rick from the town after what they deemed was some aggressive, dangerous behavior on his part. But as they gathered at a nighttime town meeting to air their Grimes grievances, Abraham — who, see previous entry, had experienced the residents’ lack of preparedness, skills, and bravery up close and personal — went to bat for his friend. “Simply put, there is a vast ocean of s*** you people don’t know s*** about,” he told those assembled. “Rick knows every fine grain of said s*** and then some.”

(Credit: AMC)

Abraham Craves Closure

Season 6, “Always Accountable”

Sasha was perfectly prepared to chill inside the insurance office she and Abraham holed up inside while they waited for Daryl to come find them, but nervous, pacing Abe had no such intentions. He was focused on killing a walker that seemed to be safely inside a locked conference room, and Sasha wanted to know why. “’Cuz loose ends make my ass itch,” he so colorfully replied.

(Credit: AMC)

Self-Awareness Is a Beautiful Thing

Season 6, “Always Accountable”

During that same stint in the insurance office, Abe took a timeout to venture outside and see what supplies he might be able to find. He returned to the office with an RPG in tow, which he secured by going mano-a-walker-o with an undead soldier. But when Sasha asked where he got the weapon, he spared her the details and summed it up by saying its procurement was “the fruit of some off-the-chart stupidity, some grade-A, butt-steak idiocy.” Yup.

(Credit: AMC)

Pancake Babies?

Season 6, “Knots Untie”

Abraham was trying to be respectful, in his own Abraham way, when asking Glenn if he and Maggie had intended her to get pregnant. “When you were pouring the Bisquick… were you trying to make pancakes?” he asked, not only creating one of the character’s signature lines, but sparking Michael Cudlitz’s ongoing philanthropic efforts: At most of his fan convention appearances, Cudlitz hosts “The Bisquick Challenge,” in which fans are invited to bring non-perishable food, which is then donated to local food banks. Since he began the Bisquick drives, the actor and his devoted have donated, literally, tons of food to those in need.

(Credit: AMC)

Abraham Ford: Appreciator of Fine Interior Design

Season 6, “Knots Untie”

On Rick’s group’s first trip to the Hilltop, they were shown to the main house — the community’s mansion — which has managed to maintain its fancy décor, thanks to Gregory’s insistence on cleanliness. Rick was annoyed by pretentious Gregory’s rudeness, but Abraham was wowed by the surroundings. “Good gracious, Ignatius!” was his two thumbs up review.

(Credit: AMC)

Romance on the Mind

Season 6, “Knots Untie”

Not only was Abraham thinking about pouring Bisquick and makin’ babies in this episode, he was taking note of other romantic pairings within the Alexandria community. “How long do you think Rick and Michonne been uggin’ bumplies?” he asked Daryl. After breaking up with longtime girlfriend Rosita in the next episode, it was no surprise, then, that he would soon make his official pitch for a new romance with Sasha, one she accepted.

(Credit: AMC)

Oh, Crap

Season 6, “Not Tomorrow Yet”

About that Rosita breakup… Abraham’s farewell took her by surprise, and to get through it, he was abrupt and harsh with her. When she demanded a reason for the split, he offered no specifics at first. “Why are dingleberries brown? It’s just the way s*** is.”

(Credit: AMC)

Different Day, Same Crap

Season 6, “Twice As Far”

While on a mission to show Abraham an old building he’d scoped out as a place they could potentially turn into a working ammunitions factory, Eugene got into a scuffle with a walker. He insisted he could kill the monster himself, and was very angry when Abe stepped in and killed him instead. Abe insisted he was right in saving his friend. “You’d had better luck picking up a turd by its clean end,” he said.

(Credit: AMC)

No, Really, Eugene

Season 6, “Twice As Far”

But Eugene was still angry about Abraham stepping in to kill the walker he thought should have resulted in a check in his kill column. That’s when Abe lost all patience with his suddenly confident pal and made it clear it was necessary for him to step in when he told the mullet man, “Timmy down there almost ate your face, dumba**.”

(Credit: AMC)

On the Other Hand…

Season 6, “Twice As Far”

Later in that episode, it was Eugene who made the heroic play when he and his friends were under attack by Dwight and the Saviors. Eugene chomped down on Dwight’s little soldier to create a diversion, which allowed Abraham, Rosita, and Daryl the chance to run Dwight and company off. Back in Alexandria, as Eugene recovered from the bullet wound he suffered during the ruckus with the Saviors, Abraham visited him in the town’s medical office and praised his life-saving efforts. “I apologize for questioning your skills,” Abe said. “You know how to bite a d***, Eugene. I mean that with the utmost of respect.”

(Credit: AMC)

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