The Premier League returns! And so does this column, reeling from the low-key disappointment of its last round of predictions (even if we did correctly call that Ki Sung-yueng would open the scoring for Swansea against Burnley). We go again, with the added flourish of trying to forecast Sunday’s tasty-looking Carabao Cup final at Wembley…

Leicester vs Stoke

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Leicester to emerge from their mini Premier League slump. Their 5-1 tonking at Manchester City – despite going in level at half time, and looking dangerous – is hardly a yardstick for what Stoke might throw at them.

Meanwhile, set-pieces might be fun: Harry Maguire and Wes Morgan vs Ryan Shawcross and Kurt Zouma sounds like a tag-team match worth keeping an eye on.

The match, according to Ceefax…

Retro indulgence

1996: Garry Parker’s left foot emphatically settles the playoff semi-final second leg against Stoke and sets Leicester on course for the Premier League.

Bournemouth vs Newcastle

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Newcastle to rest on their laurels. It’ll be a good fortnight since they last took the field, and that backs-to-the-wall win over Manchester United at St James’, but stringing wins together simply isn’t their thing.

The Toon haven’t won consecutive matches in the Premier League since mid-September and Bournemouth – despite a surprise 4-1 hammering from Huddersfield two weeks ago – are still the form team in the top flight’s very soft middle.

The match, according to Ceefax…

Most likely headline in the morning papers

EDDIE SHOWS RAFA HOWE IT’S DONE

Brighton vs Swansea

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Carlos Carvalhal’s analogies to jump the shark, while his Swans leapfrog Brighton in the table (like, say, a thing would…climb over another…thing.)

The match, according to Ceefax…

Retro indulgence

December 2006: Dean Cox scores a goal so stunning for Brighton against Swansea that the club’s in-house TV presenter is still trying to copy it more than a decade later.

Burnley vs Southampton

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A mutually-acceptable draw. These two have mustered just a single win between them in their last 24 Premier League matches and, while Southampton have a relegation zone to climb out of, Burnley isn’t the place to go if you want to force the issue.

The match, according to Ceefax…

Retro indulgence

Not so much retro football action, as retro mobile phone technology action: here’s the lowest-resolution video ever taken by a human being, allegedly showing Graham Alexander toe-punting home one of his reliable penalties for Burnley against Southampton back in the Stone Age (sorry, 2009)

Liverpool vs West Ham

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A well-rested Liverpool to put West Ham to the sword. Mohamed Salah, Roberto Firmino and Sadio Mane have had ten days to put their shooting boots up since demolishing Porto on their own patch, and no David Moyes gameplan can cover all three of them.

The match, according to Ceefax…

Retro indulgence

1996: Liverpool wrap up the FA Youth Cup final at Anfield – with a young Michael Owen cancelling out an opener from a young Frank Lampard – despite the efforts of a young Rio Ferdinand.

West Brom vs Huddersfield

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Pardew to keep West Brom on life support. He and his players have just about emerged with some dignity from their Barcelona mini-break, and Pardew expects his errant senior pros to show a reaction. A seven-point gap to safety isn’t unbridgeable…

The match, according to Ceefax…

Most likely headline in the morning papers

TAXI FOR PARDEW

Watford vs Everton

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Everton to be given the runaround. Something about a central-defensive partnership of Michael Keane and Ashley Williams suggests that any diminutive, twinkle-toed forward with a licence to roam might have some joy against them. Someone like Gerard Deulofeu, say…

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The match, according to Ceefax…

Retro indulgence

Wembley, May 1984: Andy Gray takes on the overprotected species of the goalkeeper and, somehow, gets away with it as Everton clinch the FA Cup and make Watford’s no.1 fan Elton John sad.

Crystal Palace vs Tottenham

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Crystal Palace to throw a spanner into the top-four works. Tottenham’s recent form is a puzzle: a draw at Newport, followed by a dominant win over Manchester United; a North London derby win and a spirited comeback against Juventus, followed by a 2-2 draw at Rochdale. Sunday could be another one of those careless afternoons.

The match, according to Ceefax…

Retro indulgence

A selection box of Spurs’ best Premier League goals at Crystal Palace’s expense, the standout being an inch-perfect free-kick from Jurgen Klinsmann back in April 1995.

Manchester United vs Chelsea

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A showcase in the art of Cancelling Each Other Out. Antonio Conte’s 3-4-3 rarely changes for anyone – not even Barcelona – but opposing managers have been happy to mirror it, which usually grinds wing-backs Victor Moses and Marcos Alonso to a halt.

This ought to be a Premier League headliner, but it will probably be a stinker.

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READ MORE: Where next for Granovskaia, Chelsea’s queen of change?

The match, according to Ceefax…

Retro indulgence

September 2000: Claudio Ranieri (whatever happened to him, etc, etc) gets his first taste of English football with a barnstorming 3-3 draw at Old Trafford, opened by an absolute bullet from Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink.

Carabao Cup final: Arsenal vs Manchester City

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One sentimentally-chosen back-up goalkeeper to prove decisive…and not in a good way. Claudio Bravo and David Ospina both have a cataclysmic error in them somewhere, and the question will be when rather than if.

The match, according to Ceefax…

Retro indulgence

Back to 2004, when Arsenal were good…and Manchester City were not. Thierry Henry emphasises that gulf in class with an arrow into the top corner, perhaps because he was bored of just waltzing into the area and curling a low one past the keeper.