Alternative FA Cup fifth round preview - Clattenburg to make Dean jealous and much more

Mark Clattenburg to make Mike Dean jealous with countless tanning selfies from Saudi Arabia

Having flirted with the Chinese Super League, Mark Clattenburg finally got his big money move this week, quitting the Premier League to take up a role in Saudi Arabia. There was a teaser, an official announcement and even a press conference. All that was missing was the customary picture of Clattenburg holding up a shirt with his name printed on the back.

Clattenburg doesn’t start his new job until next week, and so he will spend his weekend making Mike Dean jealous by sending him Snapchat selfies of him tanning in the Arabian heat. The wet look gel will be running down his forehead, but that won’t bother Clatts. For all Dean’s flamboyance, it was he who was head-hunted.

Sutton United to prepare for running battles between Wenger In and Wenger Out protesters

As if non-league minnows Sutton United didn’t have enough to prepare for ahead of Arsenal’s visit in the FA Cup, Bayern Munich happened. Running battles between Wenger In and Wenger Out protesters are expected at Gander Green Lane. Riot gear, road blocks, tear gas… they’re familiar with Arsenal Fan TV.


But something peculiar will happen in Sutton on Monday night. There will be no running battles, no riot gear needed. For the first time since Nicklas Bendtner was sold to Wolfsburg, Arsenal fans are in reluctant agreement. It’s time for Arsene Wenger to go. With the manner of a family accepting that a beloved dog needs to be put down, Gooners are in collective mourning between now and the end of the season.

Pep Guardiola to be confused when told Huddersfield’s manager isn’t Jurgen Klopp

Jurgen Klopp is a familiar foe for Pep Guardiola, having faced him in the Bundesliga and most recently against Liverpool. The Catalan will prepare to face Klopp again this weekend, with Manchester City paired against Huddersfield Town in the FA Cup fifth round. Because after all, there aren’t many managers in England with a German accent, glasses and a general air of hipsterdom.

However, Guardiola will be sent into a spin of confusion when he is told Huddersfield’s manager isn’t Jurgen Klopp, but is in fact David Wagner. Who knew there were two of these guys in English football? Guardiola thought Klopp managed both Liverpool and Huddersfield. He thought there was a link between the two clubs like there is between Man City and New York City FC. They say Huddersfield is the Big Apple of West Yorkshire, after all.

Antonio Conte to leave some Just For Men in Paul Lambert’s shower

Wolverhampton Wanderers manager Paul Lambert Action Images via Reuters / Jason Cairnduff
Wolverhampton Wanderers manager Paul Lambert Action Images via Reuters / Jason Cairnduff

Is there anything Antonio Conte doesn’t have going for him? He’s Italian, for starters, so with that comes impeccable fashion sense, as well as a certain panache for life. He’s led Chelsea to top spot in the Premier League, with silverware already in sight. Then there’s his hair, his luscious, flowing hair.

Although if you’ve ever seen pictures of Conte playing at the 1994 World Cup you’ll know those locks aren’t exactly natural. On the scale of hair restoration, the Chelsea boss is at the opposite end of the spectrum to Wayne Rooney. Paul Lambert could use some tips. Once boasting jet-black hair, the Wolves manager is now decidedly grey. And so Conte will leave him some Just for Men in his shower after this weekend’s FA Cup clash at Molineux. Remember, Paul – two rinses are needed.

Scott Parker to be blanked by every Spurs player as they enter Craven Cottage

Having spent two years as a Spurs player, Scott Parker will be looking forward to a reunion with his former club in the FA Cup this weekend. At White Hart Lane, the midfielder enjoyed some good times, but only when Tottenham arrive at Craven Cottage will he realise just how few of his old mates are actually still at the club.

Hugo Lloris played with Parker for a season, but the French goalkeeper won’t recognise him. Lloris thought Parker had been at Spurs until last month, when he was sold to Hull City. He might have been thinking of Ryan Mason. Daniel Levy will walk by, with Parker reaching out. “Remember me?” he’ll say to the Spurs chief, only for a blank expression to shroud Levy’s face. “You sold me for £4 million four years ago,” the midfielder will prompt. Ah, Levy will remember then.

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