Which bad boys and traitors belong in Premier League’s villainous lair?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO!
With apologies to Sheffield United v Hull, Friday night in the UK is all about the finale of BBC ratings juggernaut The Traitors, with stacks of gold set to be handed out after four weeks of top-notch skulduggery. We’re not in the business of serving up spoilers, so will simply say we hope [redacted] finally gets their comeuppance, [redacted] is vindicated and we never see [redacted] on our screens again. In an effort to kill some time and keep things vaguely football-adjacent, we’re pondering who belongs in the traitorous turret of the lavish, treasure-laden Premier League castle.
As it happens, Saturday marks the 30th anniversary of a landmark moment in football villainy. Having been sent off at Crystal Palace, Eric Cantona responded to abuse from a fan in the crowd by planting a boot on their solar plexus. The supporter in question claimed in court that all he said was: “Off! Off! Off! It’s an early bath for you, Mr Cantona.” Eric himself remembers things somewhat differently. Either way, it was a moment instantly burned into Barclays canon, and one that reshaped the rest of Cantona’s career. Just like those pesky seagulls following the trawler, the mere mention of Selhurst Park in 1995 summons images of supreme villainy. The United kit, all-black with gold trim, certainly adds something, and we still can’t understand how Cantona executed a flying kung-fu kick and follow-up punch without losing his balance, strutting down the tunnel before Alex Ferguson could work out what had happened.
One young viewer in Uruguay was possibly taking notes. Luis Suárez had just celebrated his eighth birthday, and was presumably sitting starry-eyed in front of the TV in Montevideo, watching Cantona do his thing. Suárez, 38 today, spent only three seasons of his career in England, yet he can stake a claim as one of the top flight’s most memorable villains. Suárez is a much less palatable anti-hero, a relentless heel without Cantona’s moral compass. Before the 2014 World Cup, the forward declared he was ready to “change [my] bad boy image” – and then sank his teeth into Giorgio Chiellini, biting an opponent for the third time in his career. At his peak, the Liverpool forward was an undeniably brilliant player, but also a villain with an unsettling edge. The same could be said for most of the Premier League’s rogues gallery, who belong to a bygone era: your Keanes, your Vinnies, your Big Duncs.
While Cantona and Suárez would make a compelling, if combative, pair of cloaked master manipulators, who from the current crop might join them? Erling Haaland, aside from existing as the embodiment of his father’s ice-cold revenge on Roy Keane, is a candidate. His assorted crimes: playing for Manchester City, telling Mikel Arteta to “stay humble” and scoring lots of goals. With Ivan “[eff] Brentford” Toney and Neal Maupay having left these shores, evergreen irritant Jamie Vardy, born 13 days before Suárez, is still doing a lot of the heavy lifting. Elsewhere, modern villains fall into a few disparate groups: sullen forwards (Haaland, Havertz), whiny Portuguese midfielders (Bruno Fernandes, Bernardo Silva) and combustible goalies (Jordan Pickford, Emi Martínez). Lightning-rod managers such as Arteta and Pep Guardiola soak up opposing fans’ rancour, but the Sith-lord antics of José Mourinho have largely been left behind.
These days, the real villains aren’t on the pitch, or in the dugout; they’re up in the executive boxes. So here’s our pitch for the Traitors’ next season. Todd Boehly, Big Sir Jim Ratcliffe, Daniel Levy, Sheikh Mansour, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman and other unscrupulous sorts gather at the round table, pointing fingers at one another in the relentless pursuit of a big pile of gold that nobody really deserves. On second thoughts, maybe we’ve seen that show before.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
When I called him after the [Lille] game he says, ‘ah, it wasn’t as exciting as other games of Liverpool’. I had to try to explain to him these games you can easily lose … if you play these stupid balls. I call them stupid balls. [He] would love to see us playing [them] a bit more” – Arne Slot reveals that he does have at least one critic this season – his dad.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
I should get out more, but I am now obsessed with Graham Souness’s 1978 column in the 6p Daily Star (yesterday’s Memory Lane, full email edition). Just how bad could it have been? Did it just report what Alan Hansen had from Wimpy? Was it eerily prescient, such as: ‘There’s a short, round, red-faced ginger lad in the reserves called Samuel who will be absolute mustard despite never really looking like he belongs on a football pitch’? Did it just make unfounded and baseless jibes at anyone (or perhaps just certain people), from the eastern side of Paris? Regardless, the idea that perhaps not one word of these vital historical texts could be preserved is unacceptable. Legally, surely there has to be a dusty microfiche in the back of Canada Square where I could read at least some of this Holy Grail of badly researched, shoddily written and clumsily thrown together football writing. Look, I’ve been reading the Daily every day for more than half my adult life, I might as well make it a hobby (sorry)” – Jon Millard.
I see that Sheffield United have signed the striker Tommy Cannon. If he scores a hat-trick for them, does he receive the Match Bobby Ball?” – Darian Boyd.
I’d never heard of a ‘Bonnie Blue’ until yesterday’s Football Daily letters and assumed it was some Scottish thing but googled the phrase anyway (thankfully not logged in on the company’s server at the time). I think I actually preferred five minutes ago when I didn’t know this was ever a thing because now I’m just plain irritated” – Noble Francis.
I was going to chime in about Ruben and Ange sharing a bottle of ‘The Special One’ etc. like 1,056 others. Instead, perhaps Football Daily should just cough up the €144 to Noble ‘Grapes’ Francis, who has had a good week as well” – Dedric Helgert.
Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winners of our letter o’ the day are … Darian Boyd and Dedric Helgert, who win some Football Weekly merch. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.
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