I’m sure England feel like they’ve had it tough out in the middle in Dharamshala against India’s irrepressible spin trio, but they’re not the ones getting up at 3.45am on a still-cold-if-creeping into-spring UK morning.

It’s one thing watching Kuldeep Yadav and his magical variations from the boundary while looking hot in stubble and shades and regulation light grey Bazball puffer jacket, with the prettily-iced foothills of the Himalayas in the background, surrounded by the Edinburgh rock colours of a picture-book Toytown stadium. It’s quite another doing it from the living room, in a dressing gown and ironed-in wrinkles, trying to stop your shoulders leaching into your ears.

Still, either way, this was one of England’s more memorable old jalopy days – purring confidently towards lunch, having seen off the early morning dancing ball from Jasprit Bumrah and Mohammed Siraj, and losing only Ben Duckett to a cracking over-the-shoulder catch by Shubman Gill. (Kuldeep’s first wicket – it wouldn’t be his last.)

Related: Peaky blunders: England collapse again as India turn screw in Dharamsala

Lunch became slightly more nervy when, with three balls left before the break, 100 for one became 100 for two as Ollie Pope misread a googly, danced merrily forward to Kuldeep only to be beaten on the outside edge, while wicketkeeper Dhruv Jurel did the rest. Pope couldn’t believe what he had done, nor, poised for kettle action, could the sofa-bound at home.

But the wheels truly started to come off, followed by the wing mirror and the pile of miscellany balanced in the boot waiting to go to the tip, in the early afternoon, with the dismissal of Jonny Bairstow. Bairstow, who had been in tears during an emotional presentation ceremony for his 100th Test cap, muscled out with typical brio, vigorously patting down the invisible enemies hiding in the pitch and chewing, chewing, chewing at his careworn gum.

Jonny was on, thought social media’s hive mind. Jonny was due. And so it seemed – an early clip for four to get the engine chugging, Kuldeep flambéed for six, before being dropped by the same in a scorching caught-and-bowled chance. (Score duly noted down – 21 – in order to reflect on how expensive a mistake it was). Another iron-gloved six, before a prod, a nick and a pouch behind the stumps. Bairstow reviewed immediately, but he was wrong. And from there England lost five wickets for eight runs in six overs, complete with three burnt reviews as, all the while, India’s captain, Rohit Sharma, laughed merrily.

Ravindra Jadeja butted into the Kuldeep party an over later – Joe Root, lbw to one that straightened – and here came the second review, though one made with the head-down resignation of someone sticking on 14 in a hand of pontoon. A dart to the kitchen for a top-up of coffee, and it turned out that Ben Stokes had also failed to pick up a Kuldeep googly. Kuldeep had five and England had lost three big wickets, and three reviews, in three overs, without adding to the score.

Over to Ravichandran Ashwin to snuffle up two wickets in three balls – Tom Hartley and Mark Wood – and the collapse was almost complete. Ben Foakes and Shoaib Bashir hauled the score past 200 before Ashwin pocketed the final two, to finish with four for 51 in his 100th Test (before play, he was presented with a cap in a glass cube). England were over and out in 57.4 overs, and Ashwin and Kuldeep squabbled happily over who should take the match ball home. Ashwin won, and it was left to Kuldeep to hold the ball aloft and lead India off the field.

Despite the rarity of a left-arm wrist-spinner, Kuldeep has long been thought of as an added extra for India – the sugar on the top of a doughnut that was often sweet enough. Despite a terrific record, he’s played only 12 Tests in the almost seven years since he made his debut at the same ground against Australia. In fact, Sharma considered playing three seamers for this Test – and it would have been Kuldeep, as so often, who would have missed out.

Where Ashwin provides masterly height and finger tricks, and Jadeja dash and tireless elegance, Kuldeep is classically impish, and irresistible to watch, all whirling grace with the type of bouncing curly fringe that is the dream of teenage boys countrywide.

He was brilliant on Thursday, with loop and control and variations – and that unpickable googly. If Zak Crawley’s wicket was the most eye catching – a girl’s young dream of a ball, given tempting air before screaming between bat and pad – Kuldeep’s landmark wicket was Bairstow’s, as he became the first left-arm wrist-spinner from India to take 50 Test wickets, and only the third overall behind Paul Adams and Jonny Wardle, dismantling dreams in the process.

England’s mechanics have much overnight repair work to do to get the jalopy fit for day two.