The Football Daily Christmas Awards 2024
Welcome to the third Football Daily Christmas Awards. This is the bit where, in our old guise, we would bang on about becoming so jaded that we’d lost count of how many years we’d been churning out this old tat. Hmm … So OK, here we are, refreshed and ready to go! Pour yourself a pint of wine, throw your boots up on the desk, decompress, de-depress, and enjoy!
THE NOEL EDMONDS COOKABILITY ROADSHOW AWARD FOR GASLIGHTING
Those slack-jawed yokels at Stockley Park, making everything up as they go along, gently patting the top of their heads with the flat of their palms, holding their rulebooks upside down, tape snagging in their video machines, their rulers all floppy and bendy, hot fire coming out of the cold taps, good process lads, good process. We could list all of the egregious decisions they made in 2024, but instead why not print out this page and fill in all the examples of your club being genuinely and demonstrably done over by these clowns?
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Great stuff, thanks, sorry we couldn’t give you enough room. There are space limits, even on the internet. But just imagine: the clubs had an opportunity to vote this lot out of existence and bottled it. A missed opportunity for a brighter future that puts comparative ballot-box fiascos such as the EU referendum, Scottish independence and the 2019 election in the shade.
THE PHILIPPE PETIT AWARD FOR BALANCE
While most of us long for the days before certain technologies and our AI overlords gaining consciousness, few can argue this Tin robot at Crystal Palace is not a significant advancement in human history. Perfectly poured, and no queues, which means you might actually have enough time to drink the thing at half-time before the second period starts.
THE BRUCE FORSYTH AWARD FOR NEAREST APPROXIMATION OF ‘NOT IN THIS GAME’ CATCHPHRASE
Mike Dean, for his brazen admission live on Sky that Rúben Dias’s clothes-lining of Rasmus Højlund in the Manchester derby wasn’t enough for a penalty, because, well, vibes. “His left leg’s come across but it’s more clumsy than anything,” he began winging it. “I don’t think that’s enough, not in a game like this.” And that’s not the only time the former ref has proselytised live on air for a jazz-inflected application of the laws of the game. He also admitted he would sometimes let players get away with a bookable offence, handing out “free” ones when he felt like it. “I know it sounds daft when you say free, but the first one is always a good talking-to … and the second time you would have to penalise.” A master of free-association, off-the-cuff thinking and improv? Perhaps. Though anyone who’s seen him try to crack wise during those painful back-and-forths with Clinton Morrison and Kris Boyd on Soccer Saturday might demur.
THE DIMITAR BERBATOV AWARD FOR MOST VELVETY FIRST TOUCH
There’s a reason those Diego Maradona and Ronaldinho warm-up videos go viral every few months, and that’s because there is (almost) nothing like a perfectly cushioned first touch to set up a goal on the end of a free-flowing move. Enter Josh Tymon, the Swansea City left back, who flew forward in April at Huddersfield, collected a route-one pass from goalkeeper Carl Rushworth with all the finesse of Sean Connery unwrapping a Ferrero Rocher, trapping the ball on the run like it was a meteoric beanbag falling from the sky, before squaring a simple pass for Ronald to make it 2-0 at the back post. Double woof. And if you’re not enough of a purist to appreciate Tymon, try Kyogo Furuhashi on for size – his wild touch and finish wrapping up Celtic’s 3-0 win over Hibs. Say what you like about fitba, but that is world class.
THE CASEMIRO AWARD FOR WAKING ONE MORNING TO FIND YOURSELF AGED 74
Kevin De Bruyne.
THE KYLE WALKER AWARD FOR HAVING MORE THAN ONE MEMBER OF YOUR TEAM WHO HAS JUST WOKEN TO FIND THEMSELVES AGED 74
THE STONE ROSES WENDY & LISA* AWARD FOR CASCADING H2O
Manchester United’s long run of success in our prestigious Waterfall category comes to an end at last. Not because anybody’s patched up the Old Trafford roof; they’ve simply been overtaken by events at Everton, who are in the process of winding down operations at Goodison Park and pitching tent elsewhere. Back in the 1890s, the Grand Old Lady was built when the club was the best-run and richest in the land, a state of affairs reflected in the resulting edifice, a state-of-the-art pleasuredome that would become even more glamorous when Archie Leitch popped round to hang his criss-cross gables. This new place, by contrast, is being overseen by the executives who thought it a good idea to spend £26m on Beto. The result: a riverside stadium where functional drainage is seemingly an afterthought, viral footage of water sluicing down stairwells in the log-flume style, over and through worryingly prominent cracks in the floor. However they’ve promised that a working drain will definitely be going in, at some point, so with the rest of the place looking tinder dry – and super funky too, it must for the sake of balance be said – for the new owners, it’s back over to Big Sir Jim, who’ll need to pull his finger out if this award isn’t heading back down the M62 next year.
* They’re much better, and it’s not even close. They’re on Purple Rain, for goodness sake.
THE SILLETT & CURTIS AWARD FOR MORAL FA CUP VICTORS
Coventry City, who were an inch away from the greatest semi-final comeback of all time, lift our karmic kup. Manchester United, who were an inch away from the slapstickiest pratfall of all time, should be ashamed of themselves, the fairytale-ruining spoilsport rotters. Otherwise it was pretty much the perfect cup run for United, give or take letting a two-goal lead slip at Newport, as not only did they derail Jürgen Klopp’s farewell procession and annoy Pep et al in the final, their success delayed the inevitable sacking of Erik ten Hag, allowing the suits time to work on Ruben Amorim. Without it, there’s a fair chance Gareth Southgate would be manager now. The cup run that kept on giving.
THE CLIVE ALLEN AWARD FOR GOALSCORING FUTILITY
Clive Allen memorably scored 49 goals for Tottenham Hotspur during the 1986-87 campaign. Sadly, all of his efforts were for naught. Spurs should have won the league – they certainly played the best football that year – but came third in a two-horse race with Everton (this sound familiar, Leicester fans?). They also somehow managed to lose a three-match League Cup semi-final marathon to arch-rivals Arsenal, despite absolutely battering them in all three games, then experienced painful defeat in the FA Cup final thanks to an extra-time own goal. To illustrate the monumental level of poor Allen’s haplessness that year, he scored a brilliant diving header in the Cup final … but nobody remembers that because Keith Houchen went on to score an even better one. However, some good news at last, as the poor man may soon be knocked off his perch as football’s greatest Spurs-adjacent striking Jonah, on account of Harry Kane moving to perennial trophy-hooverers Bayern Munich in search of some elusive silverware, scoring 44 goals in 45 matches, yet somehow coming away with bupkis, it being the year Bayer Leverkusen finally dropped the N. What were the chances? And what are the chances of it all happening again this season, with Bayern already out of the cup and their seemingly impregnable lead at the top of the Bundesliga cut to four points? We’re all thinking it, aren’t we. Oh Harry. And we didn’t even bring up another lost final with England.
THE PETE BEST AWARD FOR MISTIMING YOUR EXIT
Jürgen Klopp, who chalked up Premier League points totals of 97, 99 and 92, yet only won one title. He must wonder why Pep’s thundering existential crisis couldn’t have come around a couple of years earlier. Though Mikel Arteta, José Mourinho and Ole Gunnar Solskjær are probably thinking along similar lines.
THE MONTY BOO-URNS AWARD FOR CRUELLEST GOTCHA
While some might point out that tormenting a manager who led your side to promotion just six months earlier might be a bit cruel, you cannot deny that Southampton fans showed some imagination during the recent 5-0 shellacking at home to Tottenham. Already 4-0 down inside 25 minutes, a section of Saints supporters that had not already darted for home invited beleaguered boss Russell Martin to “give them a wave”. When Martin eventually obliged, perhaps in an effort to maintain a rapport with a fanbase disillusioned with his stubborn style and results this season, said fans simply booed him. Martin subsequently marched down the tunnel in a huff shortly before half-time, disappearing into the dressing room for his team talk just as Spurs added a fifth goal. He was sacked after the game.
THE JONNY WILKINSON AWARD FOR BEST THREE-POINT CONVERSION
Chelsea beat Leicester in the FA Cup last season, though no thanks to Raheem Sterling. True, he did set up a goal for Cole Palmer, but also managed to block a goalbound Mykhailo Mudryk shot, mess up a one-on-one with the keeper, pull rank on Cole Palmer to take a penalty, scuff the penalty straight at the keeper, pull rank over Palmer to take a free-kick, launch the free-kick almost vertically into the top-right corner of the Shed, and get booed off by his own fans. A farcical all-timer.
THE TOM HANKS AWARD FOR BEST CROSSOVER ACT
Sean Dyche has got ample experience as a heist boss – just ask Mikel Arteta – but few expected the Everton manager, midway through avoiding relegation last season, to turn up as the head-bopping villain in Blossoms’ new music video. “I met them at a Rick Astley concert,” he revealed, as you do. “How would you not want to be in a music video, if you’re a music fan? They just asked me to wear a suit and turn up. Really good group of lads, and really good performance,” he continued, presumably still talking about the band, but employing words that could have come from any press conference in the last 13 years, give or take the Astley bit. The only crossover more random was perhaps the kit launch for Genoa – Italy’s oldest club – who asked WWE legend The Undertaker to take centre stage. Why? “Shining crowns (of titles) around his neck like a pride of lions,” bugled a very Italian press release. “The aura of a hero, of these and other times, travels on shoulders that speak for themselves. Ladies and gentlemen, here is Undertaker. Him.” Sure.
THE FOOTBALL DAILY MANAGERIAL MERRY-GO-ROUND SWORDS OF DAMOCLES
We didn’t do too badly last year, correctly predicting the demise of Chelsea’s Mauricio Pochettino, Manchester United’s Ten Hag and Sunderland’s Michael Beale, a success rate of three from seven guesses. We’ve nearly bagged Steven Gerrard, too; his coat at Al-Ettifaq is on a shoogly peg, and there are still 11 days for it to fall off and boost our 2024 average past the .500 mark. So here are our picks for 2025: Mikel Arteta, Sean Dyche, Pep, whoever follows Pep, Ange, whoever follows Ange, and Frank Lampard, the Big Sam de nos jours. You see if we’re wrong.
BUMPER ONE-OFF FESTIVE TV & RADIO SPECIAL: ALL THE HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR PERIOD
Right, aye. You are joking, aren’t you?
MAIL! MAIL! MAIL!
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