Jose Mourinho and David Luiz are not natural bedfellows. For one, they are both already happily married to other people. And for two, their footballing philosophies are polar opposites – Luiz believes defending should be daring and extravagant; Mourinho feels it should be boring and, well, just more defensive.

But they do say that sometimes, in sexual relationships, opposites attract. So could Mourinho and Luiz form a similarly paradoxical bond on the football pitch without ever having sex?

The answer is yes, according to the Star, which has made the surprising claim that Mourinho wants to bring the Chelsea defender to Manchester United in January.

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The Brazilian has reportedly been “extremely unhappy” at Stamford Bridge since he had a “bust-up” with Blues manager Antonio Conte following last month’s calamitous Champions League defeat by Roma.

Mourinho is apparently “ready to step in” to take advantage of this feud. Of course, the Portuguese coach has already had Luiz in his squad once – when they worked together at Stamford Bridge a few years ago – and he promptly sold him.

But presumably the Special One has changed his mind about Luiz in the intervening period, or he is going through some kind of mid-life crisis and this is his footballing equivalent of buying a Ferrari.

Angry Zidane loses patience with Ronaldo

Someone whose mid-life crisis will be very entertaining to watch – when it eventually, inevitably comes – will be Cristiano Ronaldo. (Just imagine the intense battle between the six-pack and the encroaching love handles.)

And maybe the ball starts rolling today. The Express reports that Real Madrid manager Zinedine Zidane has become fed up with his star player’s tantrums and has decided to sell him.

Cristiano has reportedly sparked “unrest” in the Real dressing room with his outspoken comments about the club’s travails, making captain Sergio Ramos annoyed and leaving Zidane “furious”. The Frenchman will now allegedly allow CR7 to join Manchester United (if he’s in the job long enough).

Meanwhile, United outcast Luke Shaw could be on his way to Arsenal, with the Mirror claiming the Gunners are “keeping an eye” on the left-back’s “situation” at Old Trafford. Not that there is much to keep an eye on, apart from Shaw watching games from the stands.

A man/boy who could soon join Shaw in United’s reserves is Domingos Quina, a 17-year-old Portuguese midfielder who plays for West Ham, and who has an excellent agent who somehow keeps getting him linked with the world’s top clubs (ESPN). So far the only team who has actually tried to sign him, however, is Sheffield United.

Elsewhere, struggling West Brom manager Tony Pulis has two games to save his job (Star), Newcastle could sign Barcelona goalkeeper Jasper Cillessen for a knockdown price of £9m (Talksport) and Liverpool have been given the “green light” to make a fresh move for Virgil van Dijk and could sign the Southampton defender in January (Mirror). And this time it will be all above board and kosher guv’nor, we promise.

@darlingkevin