Let’s play a silly and slightly nonsensical game.
If Chelsea FC were a man, they’d be a 1980s yuppie driving a convertible with gelled-back hair and sunglasses on his head.
If Newcastle United were a man, they’d be a hapless, gaffe-prone George McFly from Back to the Future-type character.
If Burnley FC were a man, they’d be Sean Dyche.
READ MORE: Mourinho denies PSG move on the cards
And if Paris Saint-Germain were a man, they’d be a sleazy young financier leering at girls in an exclusive wine bar. As soon as one of these ladies so much as cast a glance in his direction, he’d order them a bottle of the establishment’s finest Champagne and spend the rest of the evening trying his damnedest to get her to sleep with him.
And for the benefit of this increasingly laboured analogy, Jose Mourinho is the girl that has recently cast a glance at PSG – quite an admiring one in fact.
“At the moment in Paris there is something special. Magic, quality, youth, it’s fantastic,” said the Manchester United boss at the weekend.
So it’s only natural that, given this one piece of encouragement, PSG will go all-out to make Mourinho their next manager.
Today’s Sun reports that the French “moneybags” will “target” Mourinho this summer. They believe the presence of Jose’s old Porto mate Antero Henrique – now sporting director at the Parc des Princes – will help persuade the Special One to join them.
Despite current incumbent Unai Emery sitting pretty at the top of Ligue 1, he will apparently be sacked “unless he lands the Champions League this season”. And this looks unlikely as it becomes increasingly clear that Tottenham will win this season’s Champions League.
De Bruyne uses Neymar as ‘negotiating tool’
Speaking of Sean Dyche, he could completely ruin the game devised at the start of this article by becoming the next manager of Leicester City.
The Express says the Foxes are ready to make the gravel-voiced tactician “an offer he cannot refuse”. But don’t worry, they’re not threatening to kill him. They are merely preparing “a £2m-a-year bumper deal with cash to spend” – much nicer. (As if Leicester could kill Sean Dyche anyway. He’d destroy them.)
In non-manager gossip, in-form Manchester City midfielder Kevin de Bruyne is set to demand a “huge pay rise” at the Etihad.
The Telegraph says the ginger Belgian will cunningly use Neymar’s £32m-a-year deal with PSG as a “negotiating platform”. Presumably something along the lines of, “I’ve got more fantasy points than him and I play in a tougher league, so pay me what he gets.” Hard to argue.
Elsewhere, Barcelona are scouting Liverpool and Wales wonderkid Ben Woodburn, who has apparently been on Barca’s radar “since he was 12” (Sun), Man Utd are keeping tabs on Espanyol’s 20-year-old left-back Aaron Martin (Mail) and Arsenal have “received a boost” in their pursuit of Thomas Lemar after Bayern Munich pulled out of the race to sign the Monaco winger (Mirror). So now the Gunners can miss out on signing him to a different club instead – great.