For every goal that Harry Kane scores, Real Madrid want to buy him a little bit more. So the fact he has netted 56 times in 2017 alone – more than Messi, Ronaldo and every top player in Europe – means the Spanish giants currently desire the Tottenham striker roughly as much as Nigel Farage desires a blue passport. In other words: with a demented, irrational fervour and with little regard for logical facts.

The latest Kane offer reported to be winging its way to north London from the Bernabeu comprises two exciting elements: 1) Gareth Bale and 2) Lots of money.

The Daily Star Sunday says Real have dangled Bale, who Spurs sold to the European champions for £85m in 2013, in front of chairman Daniel Levy’s face in an attempt to persuade him that Kane is sellable in a total offer worth £150m.

READ MORE: Harry Kane – the 2017 goal machine

The problem is that Bale has been so injury prone is 2017 that the mere act of the dangling would probably rupture his calves. The Welshman has scored just six goals in this calendar year – a full 50 fewer than Kane – so Levy is unlikely to countenance swapping Tottenham’s current hero for their former one.

He just has to hope that Kane doesn’t ask himself why – despite scoring 56 goals in 2017 compared to Bale’s six – the Welshman earns three times as much in wages.

Ronaldo moving to Leatherhead?

Bale’s team-mate and nemesis Cristiano Ronaldo is also being linked with a return to the Premier League, with the Mirror claiming Manchester United are eyeing a “homecoming” transfer for their own former hero.

CR7 is allegedly desperate to leave Madrid and has even been “checking out English schools and houses”. A Mirror “source” claims that Cristiano has “looked at possible homes in Leatherhead in Surrey”.

Bit of a trek to Old Trafford from there, but if it’s good enough for United’s fans then I suppose it’s good enough for CR7.

Meanwhile, the Mirror says United boss Jose Mourinho has told his “secret agent” Paul Pogba to help bring his former Juventus team-mate, Paulo Dybala, to Old Trafford. Although Mourinho gave Pogba similar instructions when he was trying to sign his France international team-mate Antoine Griezmann, and that doesn’t seem to have gone so well.

READ MORE: Ronaldo looks ahead to a future in films

Another player on Jose’s radar is Paris Saint-Germain playmaker Lucas Moura, who Inside Futbol says has “begun negotiations” over a possible move to Manchester.

Pep targets £50m Umtiti

Manchester City are expected to be active in the January transfer window too, just as they are in every transfer window. The Sun on Sunday says Pep Guardiola will launch a £50m raid for Barcelona centre-back Samuel Umtiti next month as he attempts to plug the (virtually permanent) gap left by Vincent Kompany’s injury problems.

City are also keen to snatch Liverpool midfielder Emre Can from under the noses of Juventus and will try to persuade the German to sign a pre-contract agreement at the Etihad (Tuttosport).

It could be a less enjoyable January for West Ham. The Sun on Sunday says Liverpool are eyeing their key playmaker Manuel Lanzini as a replacement for the Barcelona-bound Philippe Coutinho, while the Hammers have also been told to pay a ludicrous £40m for top defensuve target Alfie Mawson of Swansea City (Sun on Sunday).

Elsewhere, Arsenal have emerged as favourites to sign Sevilla midfielder Steven Nzonzi, who has also been linked with the Hammers and Everton (Star), Atletico Madrid midfielder Nicolas Gaitan is attracting interest from Everton, West Ham, Southampton and Crystal Palace (AS) and Real Madrid and Barcelona will battle to sign Man Utd utility man Daley Blind (Mirror). If Carslberg did being dropped and made available for transfers…

@darlingkevin