Of all the bad things that could happen to Tottenham, you’d think that selling Harry Kane would definitely be up there as one of the worst, possibly along with Arsenal winning the Champions League and Ledley King forming a satanic cult and hatching an evil plan to destroy the world.

But apparently, they have agreed to do it. The Mirror – via Spanish chancers Mundo Deportivo – makes the surprising claim that Spurs chairman Daniel Levy has decided to let his star striker join Real Madrid.

There are conditions, obviously. The first is that the European champions pay €200m (£176m) for the Walthamstow-born forward, and the second is that the transfer takes place with “minimum fuss”. And that’s it!

READ MORE: Batshuayi reflects on ‘dream’ Borussia Dortmund debut

READ MORE: Sterling – Man City players being ‘butchered’ by opponents

“Minimum fuss” is reportedly Levy’s main concern, as if he was clearing out the loft or changing a duvet cover, rather than losing his best player in a generation.

In this instance, “minimum fuss” specifically means a quick transfer with none of the mucking about that occurred when Spurs sold Luka Modric to Real and the Croatian refused to train in order to force through a move. That was far too much fuss.

Mundo Deportivo adds that Levy could also see his manager move to the Bernabeu, with Mauricio Pochettino reportedly in “pole position” to replace increasingly beleaguered club legend Zinedine Zidane.

Presumably Levy will also sanction The Poch’s departure if it carried out with minimum fuss. All he wants is an easy life, really.

Man Utd want Bale/De Gea swap

Things get even better for Real Madrid in the Star, which claims that Manchester United have also agreed to sell them long-term target David de Gea.

The Red Devils have a condition too, which is that Real let them have former Spurs forward Gareth Bale in return (which overall sounds like a much better condition than “minimum fuss”).

Jose Mourinho has reportedly told United chiefs to ask for a “player-plus-cash” deal for his star goalkeeper, although it’s not 100 percent clear who would be getting the cash in that arrangement.

READ MORE: Mourinho tells Fellaini to shut up and sign new deal
READ MORE: Ozil contract Arsenal’s ‘cheapest option’, says Wenger

Meanwhile, former Manchester City and Arsenal defender Bacary Sagna has finally ended his baffling football exile. The Sun says the 34-year-old right-back, who has been without a club since leaving the Etihad in the summer, is set to join Serie A’s bottom side Benvento. That’s obviously the kind of exciting challenge he’s been waiting for.

Elsewhere, Arsene Wenger has admitted making a “mistake” by not selling Alexis Sanchez to Man City for £60m in the summer (Mirror), Atletico Madrid manager Diego Simeone has ruled out become the next Chelsea boss (Times) and former Everton manager Ronald Koeman is set to be named the new head coach of the Netherlands (De Telegraf). So he’s still available for punditry work during the World Cup if anyone’s interested.