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Gossip: Bale 'rejects Arsenal move', Coutinho 'asks to leave Liverpool', Conte 'wants Kane'

Bale, Kane and Coutinho - all prize assets
Bale, Kane and Coutinho – all prize assets

It was always going to be a tough summer for Arsenal as they contemplated a season without Champions League football for the first time in two decades, but it’s hitting them even worse than we thought. The Gunners are showing all the signs of having a fully fledged Mid-Table Crisis.

For people of a certain age, the tell-tale signs of this kind of event are having an affair with their secretary and buying a Ferrari. In Arsene Wenger’s case, he’s just trying to buy Gareth Bale. (He doesn’t even get the fun affair part.)

In what would be one of the most ambitious transfer swoops of the summer, the Express claims (via Spanish mavericks Don Balon) that the Gunners have launched a bid for the Real Madrid superstar – a move perhaps triggered by Arsenal’s shock at losing their youthful exuberance.

READ MORE: Conte taunts Spurs – you are no bigger than Gent so nobody expects you to win things

READ MORE: Arsenal guide to the 2017-18 Premier League season

READ MORE: Liverpool guide to the 2017-18 Premier League season

However, there is a fine line between ambition and delusion, and with sad inevitably the Express adds that Bale has rejected the chance to join the fading north Londoners as he would prefer to join a team whose best days weren’t behind them.

Just like a mid-life crisis, a mid-table crisis can be caused by the breakdown of a long-term relationship – and in Arsenal’s case it appears to be Alexis Sanchez who is at the centre of their malaise.

Wenger has reportedly identified Bale as an ideal replacement for the unsettled Chilean, but it’s a wild plan. Perhaps he should reconsider having an affair instead, or at least start wearing a wig.

The Bale-Arsenal link does at least makes a refreshing change from the long-running Bale-Manchester United one. This familiar tale resurfaces in the Independent, which says the Red Devils will target the Welshman if and when Kylian Mbappe moves to Madrid.

In more sensational news from Spain, the Star (via Catalan cowboys RAC1) says Philippe Coutinho has “asked to leave” Liverpool after agreeing personal terms with Barcelona. The Reds have already rejected a £72m bid for the Brazilian, but Barca are set to return with an improved offer of £80m.

Coutinho’s arrival at the Nou Camp may depend on Neymar’s departure, with the latter’s £198m move to Paris Saint-Germain set to be concluded “within 15 days”, according to L’Equipe.

Elsewhere, Man Utd boss Jose Mourinho has given the “clearest indication yet” that he plans to re-sign Zlatan Ibrahimovic (Times), Newcastle have snapped up 21-year-old Spanish midfielder Mikel Merino from Borussia Dortmund (Mirror) and Chelsea manager Antonio Conte says if he could sign one striker in the world for the Blues, it would be Tottenham’s Harry Kane (Mail). A great way to make Alvaro Morata feel wanted.

@darlingkevin