When Antonio Conte fired off that cutting text message to Diego Costa telling the Blues’ 2016/17 top scorer that he didn’t like him anymore, he probably thought – at the time – that he would never have to see the striker again.

He was like a cyclist flicking a V sign at a white van driver who swerved too close to him, yelling “Watch where you’re going you Brexit-voting pig!” as he turned off towards the sanctuary of a bike-only one-way system.

But if Conte thought he was safe, he’s mistaken. Because somehow, Costa is waiting for him at the next set of lights, and he’s on a quad bike! In a swamp! And this little argument is FAR from over.

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In a terrifying twist for the Chelsea manager, the Mirror reports that the Spanish Brazilian has not forgiven his gaffer for that cowardly little text and is “exacting his revenge” on the Italian.

As well as driving a quad bike through a swamp like some kind of beardy, swampy psychopath, Costa is also avenging Conte by taking his sweet time over his exit from Stamford Bridge, thereby scuppering the club’s pursuit of his replacement Romelu Lukaku.

And it’s Conte’s own fault for thinking he could lash out at the Premier League’s most spiteful player without suffering any consequences.

Meanwhile, Manchester United will announce the £60m signing of Alvaro Morata from Real Madrid on Thursday, the Sun has declared with supreme confidence. So if the striker isn’t a United player by Thursday, it will be proof that the Sun are liars. (And if he does sign on Thursday, well, the Sun are still liars about other stuff.)

New Kylian Mbappe

Arsenal continue trying to throw money around like they’re still in the Champions League, although they haven’t actually spent any of it yet.

Arsene Wenger’s latest failed splurge is an £86m double swoop for Sporting Lisbon duo William Carvalho and Gelson Martins, which the Mirror says was rejected by the Portuguese side. Wenger reportedly faces competition from West Brom for Carvalho, so it was always going to be tough to persuade him to move to the Emirates.

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Southampton want to sign Caen’s 18-year-old, £8.75m-rated forward Yann Karamoh, who has been described as the “new Kylian Mbappe”, although he was born six months before the Monaco starlet so he’s actually more like the old Kylian Mbappe, which still sounds good (Sun).

In funny player name transfer news, Man Utd have signed Charlton teenager Largie Ramazani (Mirror), Wolves are targeting Porto defender Willy Boly (Express and Star) and Birmingham City are set to snap up Ravel Morrison (Mail). Actually, the last one’s just funny because it’s Ravel Morrison.

Elsewhere, Everton believe it is “almost inevitable” that they will re-sign Wayne Rooney from Man Utd (Talksport), West Ham are trying to bring Bayer Leverkusen striker Javier Hernandez back to the Premier League in a £13m deal (Telegraph) and Harry Redknapp says he is pleased about failing to sign John Terry from Chelsea because it means he can sign “five or six players” for Birmingham with the money he saved (Mirror). It sounds suspiciously like someone has got some wheeler-dealing planned…

@darlingkevin