This week just keeps getting better for Manchester United. They won all their matches, everybody else lost their matches, Wayne Rooney was injured, Louis van Gaal took up comedy breakdancing, long-time transfer targets Cristiano Ronaldo and Sergio Ramos reportedly handed in transfer requests at Real Madrid and - now the best bit - United are going to buy them.

That is the view of Spanish gossip cowboys Fichajes, who claim (in Spanish) that the Red Devils will offer “at least £115m” for the pair once they have been put up for sale by Madrid. So all they need is for Los Blancos to say, “OK Ronaldo, you can leave mate. And take Sergio with you.” Easy.

In less fantastic news for the Red Devils, the Daily Star claims they have been “left stunned” by Liverpool’s £62m bid for 28-year-old Napoli striker Gonzalo Higuain. As well they might be. £62m for Higuain?! But that’s not why they’re stunned apparently; rather it’s because United also want to buy Higuain for £62m, as do Chelsea and Paris Saint-Germain. But now Liverpool are in pole position, or something.

United could also be also be dragged into a duel with Manchester City for West Ham centre-back Angelo Ogbonna, reports the Times. The 27-year-old Italian has apparently “impressed both clubs with his pace and versatility”, but the Hammers with be loath to part with their £8m summer signing, who has been outstanding in recent weeks.

Arsenal are ready to capitalise on Borussia Dortmund’s decision to “cash in” on midfielder Ilkay Gundogan in the summer, says Talksport. The precise amount of cashing in that will take place is said to be £23m, although the Gunners are likely to face competition for the 25-year-old German from Barcelona, Juventus, Man City and Liverpool.

In manager gossip, Real Madrid president Florentino Perez will target Mauricio Pochettino or Juventus boss Massimiliano Allegri to replace Zinedine Zidane if his side fail to win the Champions League this season, according to Gazetta dello Sport. Really?

Meanwhile, Valencia want to offer Gary Neville a two-year contract extension on the back of his recent one-match winning run (Mirror), while Aston Villa’s players apparently expect Remi Garde to leave the club at the end of the season (also Mirror) - which would amount to a pretty spectacular waste of the last six months of his life.

Finally, Lionel Messi is set to quit Barcelona. The Guardian reports that the world’s best player wants to return and play in his motherland Argentina, although he has “no immediate desire” to do so. So it will probably be in about 15 years’ time.

@darlingkevin