Brexit is with us now. As Theresa May triggers Article 50 and Britain’s exit from the European Union begins, there is now a patriotic duty for us all. We cannot criticise the process – this is such a fabulous idea, after all, that to express even a modicum of doubt about it could lead to the whole negotiation and the country into the abyss. What we must do is treat Article 50 as if it were like walking on superhot coals. Keep moving forward, gaze averted from the searing pain, and never pause because that could lead you to stumble and suffer fourth-degree burns across your whole body.
While this demand of constructive comportment is placed upon us all, there are key institutions which will be asked to take their commitment to the integrity and success of the United Kingdom to special lengths. Government is the primary institution, and they will lead Britain, soaring like the Hindenburg, to new heights, powered by jam exports, trade with the Commonwealth, and high quality journalism from the New Statesman and Daily Mail. But the FA and Premier League also acknowledge the role they have to play. As part of Article 50, these organisations have come together to kick off a five point plan of action in support of Britain. We can now reveal that list.
Graeme Souness deported
As an intelligent man ready to criticise when he sees b******t and mental softness, Graeme Souness will be summarily sacked by Sky Sports as Rupert Murdoch courts the favour of Theresa May. It is believed that Souness would be predisposed to offer a rational opinion on the failings of England. This is something which would echo the relentless criticisms of the SNP, who now have a history of pointing out that May, Liam Fox, David Davis and Boris Johnson are doing the equivalent of giddily driving a clown car into a wall at 50mph, while not wearing seatbelts. Souness would also be deported for being an ‘enemy of the people’ to spend his days on the Isle of Jura, along with Gina Miller and Graeme Le Saux, who is regarded with deep unease by footballing colleagues because he reads books.
Tony Pulis to be awarded English job
Tony Pulis is Welsh, but the members of the Cabinet are willing not to hold this against him. As part of the plan to export the very best of British (which the Cabinet use as shorthand for English), Pulis’ brand of football is meant to be more representative than that of Gareth Southgate’s, not interested in what is going on in Europe, he focuses on British heritage. Southgate recently acknowledged that England have failed on the international stage in the last three decades, and that has been taken as a treasonous act. Added to that is the fact that he wears shoes which have different coloured soles compared to the fabric of the main shoe, which FA board members regard with deep suspicion.
Tim Sherwood to lead Brexit negotiations
In an example of football lending its expertise to a Brexit-specific cause, Tim Sherwood will join the Brexit negotiation team at the end of the season, where Swindon are oddly willing to let him leave the club on an extended sabbatical. The reasoning is that Sherwood managed to extract millions of pounds from Spurs in returning for offering very little benefit to the club, and leveraged a very poor negotiating position into one of the greatest results in football – something that the civil service believes is a superb metaphor for Brexit.
Jermain Defoe dropped for being a vegan
Defoe has angered many of his colleagues by adopting a vegan diet in order to prolong his playing career and maximising his health. Some in the squad, and every single member of the cabinet, have complained that it abandons the intensely British tradition of shovelling sausage meat down their gullets before and after matches, with a pureed sausage meat smoothie for refuelling at half-time. Defoe has repeatedly been referred to the UK doping agency by English teammates, nonplussed at the idea that his diet is not in some way illicit. Boris Johnson has repeatedly demanded that the team abandon isotonic sports drinks made in the Netherlands, to be replaced by a diluted form of British jam.
Young players banned from dancing, smiling and having haircuts.
Since Brexit, Prime Minister May has been using a focus group to shape her policy over leaving the EU. This focus group has been made up of the most prominent demographic that supported the decision – Dads who watch football. In order to keep them onside, some policies have been brought in to curry to their favour for the longer term when the stock market tanks and unemployment skyrockets in tandem with inflation. To do this, May has offered to legislate against that which annoys them most: players who dance, smile when they are going about their daily business, and having their hair cut into different styles more than once a decade.