NO SURPRISES

As we approach the end of an opening round of Premier League fixtures that were brimful of promise and possibilities as recently as Friday afternoon, the number of bona fide surprises thrown up by the nine games played so far have amounted to what can charitably be calculated as the square root of eff all. Manchester United’s stumble to victory against Fulham got the ball rolling in suitably predictable fashion on Friday night. Then, an Ipswich team that has been patronised to within an inch of its life in recent weeks were swatted aside by the Arne Slot incarnation of Liverpool, despite a suitably plucky first-half performance from the Tractor Boys, in which the TNT Sports cameras spent more time lingering on the hobbit-like head of a local busker in the stands than the actual field of play. It was only after Ed Sheeran left at half-time to go and perform a gig that Liverpool hit their stride, their minds no longer preoccupied by the potential torment of him strapping on a guitar and ruining their day with an impromptu rendition of the exercise in aural torture and faux paddy-whackery that is Galway Girl.

While the switchboards of five o’clock radio phone-ins lit up with angry Evertonians eager to vent their spleens over their side’s entirely predictable performance in defeat against Brighton, there was little else in the way of talking points as Saturday’s 3pm kick-offs had gone more or less entirely according to script, one of which featured Southampton’s Ben Brereton-Díaz as an unlikely pantomime villain. In a subsequent plot twist that could not have been more expected or formulaic if it had been written by Dame Barbara Cartland, Aston Villa’s inevitable winner against West Ham was scored by Jhon Durán, an impetuous young man who recently got himself in all sorts of bother by taking to social media disgrace to agitate for a mooted, but now unlikely move to – you’ve guessed it – West Ham.

Sunday saw the first mea culpa from officialdom of the day, after rookie top-flight referee Sam Barrott’s overzealous use of his whistle left Crystal Palace fans fuming in the wake of their side’s defeat away at Brentford. The hosts won despite not including Ivan Toney, a striker who may or may not be off to bully defenders on the flat tracks of the extremely lucrative Saudi Pro League. At this stage of a weekend that could scarcely have been more tedious if it had been given a lick of paint and sat down to watch itself dry, the top flight really needed a Chelsea win over the reigning champions Manchester City. Sadly, Pep’s band prevailed despite their latest tribute act having more gifted musicians at their disposal than the London Philharmonic Orchestra. And so, with just one match remaining it behoves plucky underdogs Leicester to serve up something of a surprise by taking three of the points they’ll almost certainly be docked later in the season from Spurs. Considering it’s been just eight years since they delivered one of the most cataclysmic shocks in sporting history – and bearing in mind tonight’s opposition – can we really rule it out?

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

“The passion, the love, the enthusiasm matches with my passion with football, totally. Then there are other things that are out of my control, [that] are cultural. It looks like it’s for me to adapt and not vice versa. I am the one that arrived, I am the foreign one. I’m not going to change the state of things. I need to adapt ... I am not a magician, I am experienced” – Is José Mourinho tiring of life at Fenerbahce already? He oversaw a 2-2 draw at Göztepe on Saturday, with club president Ali Koc shoved by a pitch invader after the hosts came back from 2-0 down to earn a point.

ELITIST PREMIER LEAGUE DAILY LETTERS

“‘I want Raheem Sterling but we have 30 players,’ says this season’s Chelsea patsy head coach, Enzo Maresca, whose basic arithmetic is so poor he managed to get the number of players in Chelsea’s first team squad wrong by 12. With maths skills that bad, it’s not a surprise he gets on so well with Todd Boehly” – Noble Francis.

“As I watch Maresca, the latest former assistant to Pep Guardiola to get a Premier League managerial job, I find myself wondering if some day we might reach a dystopian future in which Pep Guardiola can’t get a job, because everyone wants to hire one of his former assistants instead” – Christopher Jersan.

“I expect Ipswich’s Kieran Mckenna is Happier now that he’s got some of Ed Sheeran’s dosh to help him strengthen The A Team. They won’t get All of the Stars, but I expect they’ll be content if they Don’t Dive straight back down to the Championship. Although they’re not my team, so actually I Don’t Care” – Steve Allen.

“Believe it or not, there is football outside of the Premier League. Either change the title of your newsletter to Elitist Premier League Daily or include reporting about ‘real’ football” – Tony Dunbar.

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Christopher Jersan. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.

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