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Manchester United bring to mind Dolly Parton with headline-making antics

barry glendenning
·5-min read
<span>A familiar sight at Old Trafford.</span><span>Photograph: Matt West/Shutterstock</span>
A familiar sight at Old Trafford.Photograph: Matt West/Shutterstock

[INSERT RUBEN’S WORDS HERE]

Ruben Amorim’s idea of a good headline is unlikely to earn him a senior editorial position at the home of such front-page zingers as “WORLD WAR 2 BOMBER FOUND ON MOON” and “STATUE OF ELVIS FOUND ON MOON” that is the Sunday Sport. However, since arriving in England the Manchester United manager has taken it upon himself to make the working lives of the Manchester press pack easier, when perhaps he might be better advised to deal with some of the many shambles they have been forced to report on from Old Trafford this season that fall within his remit.

Rather than come up with a plan to help his players win on Sunday, the Portuguese manager waited until they had lost against Brighton for the fifth time in their past six Premier League meetings before volunteering the soundbite he knew would send reporters home happy. “We are the worst team maybe in the history of Manchester United,” he tooted. “I know you want headlines but I am saying that because we have to acknowledge that and to change that. Here you go: your headlines.” Amorim didn’t have to offer twice and – with just one exception – the main UK back-page banners duly highlighted, or in some cases felt the need to exaggerate, his bold but inaccurate claim.

While it is an incontrovertible fact that there have been worse Manchester United teams in history, it is fair to say there has not been a worse one in Amorim’s 39 years on this earth. Then again, if he can’t get the current rabble swanning around Old Trafford to buck up their ideas, there is every chance they’ll fail to emulate the 13th-place finish masterminded by Alex Ferguson before he began scaling the dizzy heights that have so many #haterz of a certain age gleefully revelling in the club’s current misfortunes. What is fairly beyond dispute is that, pound for pound, this is definitely the worst United team in history, given the players who started against Brighton cost the thick end of £400m and were augmented by a bench – players unable to force their way into this team – that cost almost £300m. If nothing else, the numbers lend credence to Dolly Parton’s breezily self-deprecating line about it costing her an awful lot of money to make herself look “this cheap”.

Given that they have a better stadium, better owner, better chief suit, better scouting, better recruitment, better players and a better team, it was no great surprise that Brighton beat United at Old Trafford for the third time on the spin under three different managers, but Football Daily is confident that Big Sir Jim, Big Sir Dave and the Executive Ineos Hive Mind have some marginal gain or world-class basic up their collective sleeve that involves a plan more proactive than simply waiting for their imminent cure-all therapy session with Dr Tottenham in mid-February. Otherwise, their manager’s claim that he is managing maybe the worst team in the club’s history could yet become an unthinkable, but highly-amusing reality.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

I’m ready to get training and get in the ring. I’ve always been interested in having boxing matches. But every time it’s come up, it’s either not been the right time or the right opponent. I’m 44 years old. I always tell my kids to step out of their comfort zone, so let’s have a go. I haven’t watched loads of [KSI]. I’ve seen a few clips away from the fights. I know he’s a YouTuber, but that’s more for the younger generation. I won’t watch him” – former Chelsea and England left-back Wayne Bridge might not have the pay-per-view pulling power of Mike Tyson, but he’s the latest sportsman way past his peak to agree to a naff bout with a social media abomination to get some online clicks. After bringing up some history, the ‘fight’ now takes place in Manchester on 29 March.

FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS

Remember around a decade ago when Armando Iannucci said that ‘The Thick of It’ couldn’t return as politics had got so ridiculous that it was impossible to satirise it? Increasingly, I think that about Football Daily with Manchester United and Spurs” – Noble Francis.

Ruben Amorim, or more likely the person who fed him the question, doesn’t know his history. This isn’t even 1973-74 United, well done for both bringing that up and then tiptoeing around the subject this weekend, but 1980-81 United, a collection of underperforming stalwarts who’d won the odd FA Cup, underperforming youth signings, anticipated, but yes, underperforming foreign signings and Garry Bloody Birtles, who gave a masterclass in mediocre to a constant media chunter. (Eighth in the league and lost to Widzew Lodz, since you ask). This was, I recall, about the time from which every commentator was constantly obliged to remind you that they hadn’t won the title since 1967, as if calendars were as rare in 1980s Britain as secure work, money and civil rights for minority groups. At least that’s changed, eh?” – Jon Millard.

TS Eliot may have thought April was the cruellest month, but he wasn’t au fait with modern football management. I reckon that, reading up the table, Southampton, Leicester and Manchester United might decide they are no longer starry-eyed and laughing (the real poet of the 20th/21st centuries) about their recent managerial appointments and that we could see a possibly-unprecedented three clubs change managers twice in a season? Throw in Ange Postecoglou and January could well surpass April in cruelty” – Richard Hirst.

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our letter o’ the day is … Jon Millard, who wins some Football Weekly merch. We’ll be in touch. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.