You can imagine a perturbed Omar Berrada, in his office with transfer deadline day looming, approaching the red phone a la Commissioner Gordon in the Batman 60s series. Gordon had the Bat-phone. Manchester United have the Bayern phone.

United, once Bayern Munich's equivalent in England, have become their patsies. Dutch dead wood who played for the Dutch manager? We'll take them. A crocked midfielder? We'll take him.

Ed Woodward ridiculed the prospect of United moving for the injury-prone Bayern defender Jerome Boateng on deadline day in 2018, citing the signing of Bastian Schweinsteiger three years earlier. He could have been referring to Owen Hargreaves, too.

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Schweinsteiger was 30 when he relocated from Munich to Manchester, sustained a knee injury against Sheffield United in the FA Cup third round in January 2016 and did not play for the club again all season. He did, however, travel to Dubai, Miami and Germany to watch his tennis-playing partner, Ana Ivanovic. In a knee brace.

In the words of a senior United teammate, that "p****d off" the squad. The besuited Schweinsteiger shamelessly entered the celebrating United dressing room after the FA Cup final at Wembley and clutched the cup. Younger cut players kept their distance.

United did conclude a shrewd 11th-hour move for Bayern midfielder Marcel Sabitzer on the last day of the winter window two years ago. Sabitzer was a logical solution to Christian Eriksen's severe ankle injury and a worthy signing.

Mathys Tel would not be. Tel, 19, has not scored in 14 games this season. Antony has scored this season. Joshua Zirkzee has scored this season.

Zirkzee, of course, was also at Bayern and they let him go to Anderlecht as a teenager. If Bayern do not want a player, United should not want them.

Yet United have lost all respect for themselves. They paid over the odds for an ageing Real Madrid midfielder and remain willing takers for Bayern's unwanted.

Tel has not scored in eight months. What a hospital pass that would be for United's overworked communications department should he touch down at Manchester Airport.

January is traditionally tricky and United are in an invidious position as they strive to comply with the Premier League's profitability and sustainability rules. They have recruited a left back for £25million and a raw defender from Arsenal for a compensation fee. Left back has been a problem position for United for 18 months and the average age of their defence needs to be brought down.

But their glaring problem is the lack of goals. Three forwards have left on loan this month and one is yet to come in. Regimes past and present have invested £108.5m on two strikers who seem to have gone on strike when it comes to scoring goals.

Jason Wilcox, the technical director, has gone from stockpiling academy players from Manchester City at Southampton to stockpiling academy players from Arsenal at United. He is at United on Berrada's recommendation, the two having been colleagues at City.

If Richard Arnold and John Murtough can arrange a satisfactory deadline-day deal for Sabitzer, then woe betide Berrada and Wilcox should they not sharpen a blunt attack.

It cannot be difficult to identify and sign a striker who is better than Hojlund and Zirkzee and available. Zirkzee has failed to score in 32 out of 35 United games. Hojlund has scored in five games out of 30.

The financial realities are undermined by the arrival of Patrick Dorgu for a fee rising to £29m. United now have three left backs and there is a risk that Tyrell Malacia could be marooned at the club after two proposed loan moves collapsed.

Malacia's future is so non-existent at United that Elyh Harrison, a goalkeeper on loan at Chester last month, was named on the bench ahead of the Dutchman against Crystal Palace.

Back in August 2018, Woodward trumpeted Victor Lindelof amid United's refusal to sign a centre half. Lindelof is still at Old Trafford and still appearing on the teamsheet.

Jose Mourinho lobbied United to push the boat out for Boateng. Woodward vetoed an approach. United never signed that elusive centre back and had their worst defensive season in 40 years. Boateng went on to win the Champions League the following season.

Woodward had changed his mind from that giddy summer of 2015. "Our first German and what a German, he comes with phenomenal experience," he said after Schweinsteiger signed in 2015. "When people see Schweinsteiger on the teamsheet, that's gonna send some shivers down the spine."

Incidentally, Bayern have never signed a player from United.