Mourinho, Wenger and Vardy: Parties recruit Premier League icons for June election

As the nation weeps, coldly and with little energy left to summon any emotion, it prepares itself for another election. (No, another another. No, that’s a by-election, there’s a whole national one to do. Yes, again. No, I know. No, I don’t mean council elections, they’re happening too. Yes, as well. Yes, I know we just did Brexit last year. Look, I know Theresa May said there wasn’t going to be an election, but she’s changed her mind. Yes, again. No, we have to do it, there’s no stopping it now, and we’ll do it again in couple of years’ time. Sorry).

READ MORE: Which football manager would make the best Prime Minister?

Anyway, as the nation weeps, coldly and with little energy left to summon any emotion, it prepares itself for another election. As usual, celebrities will make their way dutifully to television studios to effect a serious face in order to extol various parties. Tim Farron, Theresa May, Jeremy Corbyn, the Scottish one and the Green Party one will all be variously endorsed, in order to persuade the people to turn out and vote for them. But the parties have a new strategy. In the age of unquestioning tribalism, football personalities will be the focus of party political broadcasts to support the various parties.

Jose Mourinho comes out in support of Jeremy Corbyn

Mourinho and his family are reported to have links to the Salazar regime of Portugal of old, and given Mourinho’s history of trouble with women in football and acting, it might surprise people that he has been recruited to speak out in favour of Jeremy Corbyn. There are a number of crossovers though, between Corbyn and Mourinho. Mourinho has a track record of taking money from Russians with sketchy backgrounds, and Corbyn stands up for democracy by working for Russia Today.

There is more to it than that, though. Mourinho and Corbyn’s background have found common ground for the Manchester United manager to talk for an hour on the half on the sofa of Goals on Sunday, in a special political broadcast. He will re-use much of his accusations of refereeing bias and failures of his own players, to talk darkly of betrayals by the mainstream press, and attack backbench Blairites for failing to pull their weight in support of their new leader.

Conservative Party face difficulties finding someone to front their campaign

The Conservative Party are looking for someone who matches with their own approach to life and politics. Theresa May drew up her manifesto, and in response her special advisers went looking for a candidate who has a hatred of women (as shown by cuts that disproportionately affect women, gutting of domestic violence services, the despicable use of Yarl’s Wood, amongst other things), wants to mistreat foreigners (as shown by the deportation of LGBT people to regimes who will harm or even kill them, the use of foreign NHS workers and users as scapegoats), who want to lower taxes for the rich (as evidenced by the desire to turn Britain into a tax haven on the coast of mainland Europe), and an embrace of simple, glib and terrible discussion points that insult the intelligence of all those involved, to the overall detriment to everyone in the country except those who have the amassed money and influence to survive and exploit the misery caused by the policies.

However, there is a problem for the Conservative Party. After outlining their purpose and and policies, there have been literally hundreds of applications to carry out the political broadcast and they are trying to locate the most venal and self-serving man in football – no easy task, but it is worth remembering that John Terry has a lot of spare time on his hands at the moment.

Arsene Wenger held up as ideal for Liberal Democrats

Tim Farron has problems, politically. He refuses to say that gay sex is not a sin, which many people understandably take to mean that he is a bigot. He is pro-life, which many people understandably take to mean that he has contempt for women. He is a member of the Liberal Democrat party that voted to raise tuition fees, which many people understandably take to mean that he is happy to treat young people like dirt.

The Lib Dems, given their low standing in the country, have latched onto Brexit as a way to give the party a new meaning. A vote for them is a vote to remain part of the European project, and they will gain plenty of support as a result, despite their leader being a bigot.

Wenger, however, professes to be the moral face of football, and talks about what is right and what is wrong. Of course, given he is happy to exploit European labour laws to sign teenagers on the cheap, and wanted to sign Luis Suarez despite his predilection for racist abuse, he fits in which the Lib Dem’s approach of being happy to do absolutely anything in the pursuit of success. Similarly, like the Lib Dems, Arsenal have no hope of winning absolutely anything in the near future, so have a twin interest in supporting completely futile projects.

UKIP

Jamie Vardy, obviously.