The revamped Champions League and Uefa’s attempt to own the confusion
BIGGER CUP?
How to describe the results of the inaugural draw of the “Swiss system” Big Cup? Big Website’s Niall McVeigh summed it up best in his liveblog post from 6.07pm on Thursday: “Girona will play Liverpool (H), PSG (A), Arsenal (H), Milan (A), Feyenoord (H), PSV (A), Slovan Bratislava (H), Sturm Graz (A). It feels like I’ve written Slovan Bratislava about 300 times.” To drill down further, each team plays eight matches, four at home, four away, but nobody plays each other home and away. However, they will almost certainly face Slovan Bratislava. Why? More games, more TV money, stupid. This ain’t no group stage, it’s the regular season.
After years of complaining, and the tinfoil lickers questioning the algorithms of the computer that coughs out fixtures, despite Uefa wonks’ claim that Deep Thought can survive any cyberattack – just don’t lower the forcefield for betting or bongo – we’ll probably get used to it. The actual problem is too much football all the time, despite the dopamine receptors needing the hit of knowing that someone, somewhere is showing Slovan Bratislava versus Dinamo Zagreb. Arsenal fans will just have to get used to those annual trips to see their team gubbed in Munich.
It’s always a worry when the suits go showbiz, showbiz, showbiz. Even worse when they discover irony. So when Uefa decided to own the utter silliness of the most pointless trans-continental round-robin since Henry Kelly read out his final Going for Gold autocue, a high-concept video was developed. Using a CBS production team, the fourth wall was broken by some major stars pretending to be confused. Gigi Buffon leads the way, a gurning Robbie Keane confirms he was never likely to be a Paul Mescal, and Kate Abdo, shorn of Thierry Henry, Jamie Carragher and Micah Richards, shows off her am-dram skills.
To the rescue? Chief suit Aleksander Ceferin, looking rather like Robert Carlyle in a high-tempo thriller in which no one is innocent, is cast as the man to bring sense to the situation. Someone’s clearly been looking at Gianni Infantino’s ventures behind the celebrity curtain and wanting a piece of the action. Where’s Ceferin’s Salt Bae? Why doesn’t Tom Cruise answer his calls? Will this help his chances of re-election, even though he’s said he won’t be standing? Of course, every leading man needs a sidekick to bounce off, and Zlatan Ibrahimovic, the Hollywood years clearly rubbing off, carries the show home before leaving “Mr President” as victor of a frankly negligible caper. Though perhaps one question can be raised here: is Big Zlat eyeing Ceferin’s job? That cannot be ruled out.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
We had Hagrid, Voldemort, two Harry Potters, a couple of wizards. The day was fantastic. Somehow at three o’clock in the morning I was on the dancefloor with some of your players and staff” – Aaron Ramsdale on how a magic night with promotion-winning Southampton players in May convinced him to get his fancy dress on and check in at St Mary’s.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
With all the excitement (irony klaxon!) of the Big Cup draw and attendant nonsense, I missed that Joe Murphy had his annual Worthington’s runout for Tranmere during the week. He’s been on a rolling 12-month playing contract at Prenton Park for a while now, alongside his ongoing role as goalkeeping coach. The match was also a reunion, of course, because, as a fresh-faced 18-year-old, Joe was Tranmere’s goalkeeper when they lost 2-1 to Leicester in the 2000 Worthington’s (for real) final. He is now the last active player in English senior football to have played at the old Wembley. A crumbling but fondly remembered relic of a more innocent time that had long outlived its intended function and badly needed replacing, Ian Marshall came on as a sub that day too” – Mike Slattery.
‘Good work from Oli McBurnie to set up the goal’ and ‘a good challenge on Mbappé from Scott McKenna’ are really not things you expect to hear on the commentary in a Real Madrid game. However, a doff of the cap to both of them for not only getting to play professional football, but playing surprisingly well and getting to do it at Las Palmas in the Canary Islands. They’ve won at life” – Noble Francis.
Chelsea can claim something that Real Madrid will never match. Show us your Big Vase and Tin Pot medals, losers!” – Krishna Moorthy.
Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Mike Slattery. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.
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