Very Specific Question No2 - What terrible things would happen if Joey Barton, Kevin Nolan and Andy Carroll were reunited?
West Ham’s alleged pursuit of England’s best midfielder on Twitter, Joey Barton, has sparked an outpouring of disgust from terrified Hammers fans who were only able to bask in their glorious opening-day win at Arsenal for a matter of hours before this alarming transfer news totally ruined their buzz.
There is particular horror among the Football Family that Barton’s move to Upton Park would reunite him with his former Newcastle team-mates Kevin Nolan and Andy Carroll, the most menacing trio to walk the earth since the three Kryptonian baddies in Superman 2.
It is feared that a move to east London would allow Barton to assume the role of General Zod, devious leader of the black-suited gang. This would leave Nolan as the lumbering enforcer baddie who shouts at referees, while Carroll’s haircut would obviously make him the girl baddie. It’s an alarming prospect.
So let’s consider would actually happen if Barton made the controversial switch.
Firstly, he’d be on the bench, alongside Nolan. If the Hammers had an injury crisis, Barton would probably come into the team and get booed a bit by his own fans. But he’d do an OK job in midfield, although not well enough to retain his place when Cheikou Kouyate or whoever was fit.
If West Ham’s injury crisis deepened, Nolan and Barton may be used in midfield together, in which case West Ham would probably get beaten because neither player is effective as they were in their Newcastle days.
As for Carroll, he would probably be watching most of this action from the sidelines, unless rumours of his imminent comeback prove to be true. In which case he would waltz straight into the first-team and leave Nolan and Barton in his wake.
It’s well documented that Carroll enjoyed a few wild nights out in Tyneside and was made to live in Nolan’s marital home to prevent him getting on the sauce. But the ponytailed striker is now a reformed man with a fiancee and child. Plus, Nolan is currently using his spare room as a Sam Allardyce shrine and often has Kevin Davies and JJ Okocha round for evenings reminiscing about the Big Man. It’s all very civilised. Barton’s arrival would not alter this dynamic, because he is also reformed in the sense that he doesn’t have time to cause trouble anymore because he’s always on Twitter.
In reality, the reunification of Barton, Nolan and Carroll would be an anti-climax. Off the pitch, they’re all doing their own thing. On it, they would barely play. Barton’s principle negative impact would be knocking a West Ham youngster down the pecking order.
So in summary, the most terrible thing that would happen if Barton, Nolan and Carroll were reunited would be that Diego Poyet might have to go on loan to somewhere like Reading.
