The headline “Chelsea Civil War” on the Sun website catches the eye and warms the heart, conjuring images of a tumultuous internal struggle at Stamford Bridge that sends the league leaders into meltdown and triggers an end-of-season capitulation that belatedly livens up the title race.

But what is the nature of this calamity? Is Roman Abramovich going to sack Antonio Conte after a furious boardroom row; has Diego Costa got N’Golo Kante in a headlock and refused to let go; has John Terry slept with Eden Hazard’s mum?

Oh… it’s that they’ve decided to spend £70m on a marquee striker but they can’t decide which one to buy. How awful.

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The Sun says the Blues are “locked in a wrangle” because manager Conte wants to bring in Real Madrid’s Alvaro Morata but technical director Michael Emenalo thinks the club should sign Everton’s Romelu Lukaku instead. Don’t you just hate it when that happens!

Apparently, Conte thinks Morata would be more useful in the Champions League next season, while Emenalo favours Lukaku’s Premier League experience. Maybe Abramovich will just give them the money for both players then.

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If you have been emotionally affected by this tragic story, you can send a donation to Roman Abramovich in a stamped envelope addressed to “Roman Abramovich, Chelsea FC”. Every little helps.

Alexis Sanchez’s long-awaited comments on his future have sparked a frenzy of reading between the lines. While the Chilean clearly stated that he wants to finish his Arsenal contract, his preference for staying in “one city” prompts the Guardian to speculate that he could be angling for a move to Chelsea.

Meanwhile, his comment about playing for a team that “fights for titles” is described by the Sun as a “warning” for Gunners boss Arsene Wenger – the warning presumably being that if Sanchez isn’t fighting for a title at the Emirates next season, he’s off. (If he lasts that long.)

The Star thinks Zlatan Ibrahimovic has dropped a “massive hint” that he will sign a new deal at Manchester United by stating that he “never leaves a job unfinished”. What constitutes finished though? Maybe he was just talking about the washing up.

Liverpool, Everton and Tottenham are involved in a £45m “transfer scrap” for 21-year-old Schalke midfielder Max Meyer, who was valued at £45m last summer but could be available for £17m in the summer, when he will have just a year left on his contract (Mirror).

Elsewhere, Liverpool and Arsenal are battling to sign Real Madrid’s £40m-rated forward Marco Asensio (Star) Huddersfield Town manager David Wagner has emerged as a candidate to replace Slaven Bilic at West Ham if the Hammers sack the Croatian (Telegraph) and Sergio Ramos has advised Tottenham target Isco not to leave Madrid despite completing just three league matches this season (Standard). That’s right, Isco – keep plugging away son and you’ll be the main man at the Bernabeu in no time. Defo.