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What absolutely will happen in the Premier League this weekend
Sean Dyche’s going on a European tour (probably), Salah’s golden boot fits nicely, Pep’s champagne to remain on ice, United to let their hair down and Marko Arnautovic to rub it in again: Adam Hurrey brings you all the Premier League eventualities before they happen.
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Southampton vs Chelsea
Put your mortgage on…
Chelsea to enjoy the dress rehearsal for the FA Cup semi-final, and the breathing space of an away game. Three home Premier League games in a row should have been a handy late-season opportunity, but the Stamford Bridge crowd – waiting for the biennial summer shake-up of the management team – seems to have lost faith a little. St Mary’s, in a footballing sense, may be more welcoming.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
An old-fashioned, five-goal wrestle in the mud at the Dell in 1996 is settled by the imperious Ruud Gullit, who basically played wherever he wanted.
Burnley vs Leicester
Put your mortgage on…
Sean Dyche’s European Tour. Only Leicester have a real hope of catching Burnley in seventh place, and only the unlikely prospect of a relegation-battling Southampton lifting the FA Cup can throw an administrative spanner in the works for Europa League qualification. Turf Moor is going to see some sights next season.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
March 2003: Goals from Paul Dickov and Trevor Benjamin, the journeyman to end all journeymen, earn Leicester all three points at Turf Moor, despite the inevitable spectacle of a Frank Sinclair own goal.
Crystal Palace vs Brighton
Put your mortgage on…
A reasonably useful point apiece, probably involving a Luka Milivojevic penalty. Palace may not have much, but they have Wilfried Zaha and three teams below them who can’t buy a Premier League win.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
March 1989: Ian Wright scores what he still believes is his best goal for Crystal Palace, which is then overshadowed by the referee awarding five – FIVE – penalties in the space of half an hour. Four of them to Palace. And they miss three of them.
Huddersfield vs Watford
Put your mortgage on…
Look, I know this bit isn’t necessarily literal, but if you are considering put some or all of your mortgage on Huddersfield vs Watford, step away from football for a bit. But if you can’t resist, and want to avoid the score, safely assume this will be last on Match of the Day.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper…
WAGNER’S COMPOSURE MATCHED BY JAVI METTLE
Swansea vs Everton
Put your mortgage on…
Wayne Rooney continuing his Stars in Their Eyes impression of a midfielder, mainly because Sam Allardyce has no choice. Gylfi Sigurdsson is injured, Big Sam is reluctant to throw his 19-year-olds Tom Davies and Beni Baningime in from the start, and Davy Klaassen remains on the periphery. Still, at least Allardyce’s recent concession that “Wayne struggles against the very best opposition” won’t apply to this one.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper…
SWANS FIND TOFFEES HARD TO CHEW
Liverpool vs Bournemouth
Put your mortgage on…
Mohamed Salah lacing another hole of his Golden Boot. Harry Kane’s emotional manipulation of the Premier League Goals Accreditation Appeals Panel (which was entirely fine, by the way, a goal’s a goal) has kept the race interesting – as has Salah’s recent groin twinge – but Bournemouth have kept just one Premier League clean sheet since November.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper…
SALAH POPS THE CHERRIES
Tottenham vs Manchester City
Put your mortgage on…
City’s stumbling dip for the mathematical Premier League title line to continue at Wembley. There was a persistently controlled urgency to their first-half salvage effort in the Champions League against Liverpool in midweek, whose physical toil was eventually compounded by the emotional torture
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
Remember Sky Sports FanZone? That was annoying, wasn’t it? Still, it had its moments, like when Manchester City came back from 3-0 down at White Hart Lane with ten men in 2004. Footballing schadenfreude at its very best:
Newcastle vs Arsenal
Put your mortgage on…
The sort of Thursday/Sunday fatigue afflicting Arsenal, the very inconvenience they are trying so hard to escape next season by winning the Europa League this season.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
March 2002: Dennis Bergkamp, with a loose first touch and then a foul on Nikos Dabizas, scores one of the scrappier goals of his Arsenal career at St James’ Park…
Manchester United vs West Brom
Put your mortgage on…
Shackles off, title hopes gone but plenty of bragging rights preserved, some Championship-bound cannon fodder coming to town, a 2018/19 to whet the fans’ appetite for: Jose Mourinho might just let them into fourth gear for an hour or so.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
A game so good it has its own Wikipedia page – Laurie Cunningham and Cyrille Regis silence their abusers at by helping West Brom to five goals at Old Trafford in December 1978:
West Ham vs Stoke
Put your mortgage on…
Marko Arnautovic to give Stoke a gentle shove downwards. The Austrian seems powered by soap opera rage and, having riled his old boss Mark Hughes twice this season – most recently in the defeat of Southampton – he might be keen to seal a hat-trick of sorts.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
Well, a picture of abject misery, 19-year-old Stephen Bould…
Good old Brian Moore tells it as it is, when a young Steve Bould – with hair – scores an absolute beauty of a lob…past his own Stoke City goalkeeper at Upton Park.
