Five things... That would improve the Premier League if Britain quit the EU

1 English youngsters get a chance
A ‘Leave’ vote in the UK’s European Union referendum on 23 June would have far-reaching consequences for the country, not least in football. As arguably the most multi-cultural entity in Britain, the Premier League would be hugely affected - and some of the changes that take place could be positive. Around two-thirds of European players in England would not meet the current criteria to get a work visa, which means hundreds of top flight stars may have to leave Britain after the EU vote. One group to benefit from this would be the young English players who we are frequently told don’t get enough breaks because of all the foreigners in the league. To give an example, Arsenal would lose Hector Bellerin at right-back, but they could promote Calum Chambers to the first team instead. Amazing.

2 Chelsea loan model collapses
Faceless bigwigs at Chelsea, some of whom are suspected to be evil, have developed a fondness for hoarding the best young players they can find and sending them on loan to various European leagues. The evident aim of this policy, given that none of the starlets ever make it into Chelsea’s first team, is to sell them at a profit once they mature. Many of these youngsters are European, but even the ones from further afield - and who therefore don’t qualify for a Premier League work permit - are merely dispatched elsewhere on the continent until they rack up enough visa points to play in England. It’s a great little system those Stamford Bridge bigwigs have got. But if Britain left the EU, Chelsea may have to sell all these players immediately, before they reached maturity, and therefore at an enormous financial loss. Ha.

3 Charles N'Zogbia forced to leave
It is often claimed by right-wing Eurosceptics such as Nigel Farage that immigrants are coming over here and taking the jobs a British person could do just as well, if not better. And even the most liberal-thinking, quinoa-eating Europhile would be hard pressed to disagree with him in the case Aston Villa’s French midfielder N'Zogbia. Farage’s fellow right-winger (although he prefers to cut inside onto his left) has been paid £63,000 a week in return for two substitute appearances this season, without even being injured, and has refused Villa’s attempts to pay him off for a penny less than the full value of his contract. In the event of a Brexit, “The Zog” would be out on his ear, along with fellow European drains on the UK economy such as Dejan Lovren, Eliaquim Mangala, Simon Mignolet and Emmanuel Riviere, as prophesied in Enoch Powell’s infamous “Rivieres of Blood” speech.

4 Carlton Cole returns
One blameless victim of the unchecked migration to Britain of supremely talented European footballers is the former West Ham centre-forward, who was forced to seek work in Scotland as the Hammers brought in foreign fancy dans such as Dimitri Payet. Cole - one of the world’s most gifted footballers - has not flourished north of the border, where his ability levels are so vastly superior to those of his team-mates that the two operate on completely different wavelengths. Cole playing for Celtic is like Stephen Hawking attending a dinner party with a gang of feral cats, where there is no common ground - leaving the esteemed scientist getting dragged down to the level of his companions, desperately trying to force a miaow out of his speech-generating device. Cole deserves better, and a Brexit would provide it - allowing the powerful striker to triumphantly return south and take his rightful place among England’s elite.

5 Arsenal fans get their wish
Under the terms of a Brexit, the “Wenger Out” campaign would be upgraded from an anguished Gooner battle cry to a national priority. As one of the chief instigators of all this foreign stuff you see in football nowadays, the Frenchman would likely be hounded out of the nation he invaded in 1996 within minutes of a 'Leave’ vote being declared. For Farage and co, Wenger’s demise would be as symbolic as the toppling of the Saddam statue in Baghdad in 2003. His natural heir as Gunners manager would be Tony Adams, with Paul Merson as his assistant. This all-English dream team would rescue the Gunners from their 20-year-long continental malaise and restore proper English football values like getting stuck in, having a laugh, and bloody stopping messing about with the ball and clearing it!

Next week: Five things that would ruin the Premier League if Britain quit the EU

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