After Cristiano Ronaldo’s transfer to Juventus passed off with minimal drama and remarkable swiftness, the tabloids need to make sure they rinse whatever they can from the summer’s remaining big transfer stories.

In Eden Hazard’s case, for instance, they want denials, confessions, twists, turns, endless repetitions, ideally a sex scandal and at the very least some kind of Whatsapp argument, plus the occasional complete curveball, such as: Hazard isn’t signing for Real Madrid; he’s signing for Barcelona.

Enter the Daily Express, which makes this very claim in the most convincing manner it can (i.e. not especially convincing).

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The Catalan giants, suggests the paper, are set to “pip” their arch-rivals to the Belgian playmaker’s signature by offering Chelsea their French forward Ousmane Dembele in part-exchange.

This will apparently “test the resolve” of Hazard, who until now has seemed pretty keen on a move to the Bernabeu but may change his mind when he finds out he’ll be afforded the huge honour of replacing Nou Camp legend Ousmane Dembele.

Liverpool drop interest in Nabil Fekir

One transfer that has seemingly taken its final twist, however, is Liverpool’s pursuit of Nabil Fekir. The Mail says the Reds have “dropped all interest” in the Lyon midfielder, instead choosing to spend the remainder of their Philippe Coutinho windfall on Roma’s £67.5m goalkeeper Alisson.

New Chelsea manager Maurizio Sarri will attempt to sign two players from Juventus, striker Gonzalo Higuain and centre-back Daniele Rugani, but will not be bringing any more players to Stamford Bridge from Napoli after signing a “non-aggression transfer pact” with his former club (Standard). The pact is pretty much taken word-for-word from the one South Korea recently agreed with North Korea.

Manchester United are “considering deals” for Bayern Munich duo Robert Lewandowski and Thiago Alcantara, according to the Independent. The perennial German champions are “open” to selling the pair and Red Devils boss Jose Mourinho would like to sign both players after enduring a “frustrating” transfer window.

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Sadly for Jose, that frustration could be set to continue with the Mirror reporting that Thiago has no interest in a move to Old Trafford and is instead “holding out” for a transfer to his former club Barcelona.

Paul Pogba confusion

Meanwhile in the Sun, Mourinho has called on Paul Pogba to replicate his World Cup form for United in a story that is mainly notable for its indecipherable headline: “Get us out Poghouse”.

Does anyone know what this means?

Is “Poghouse” a nickname for Pogba? No, it isn’t.

Is it, then, some kind of reference to the phrase “in the doghouse”? Seemingly so, although its usage here makes no sense on any logical or lexical level.

Most concerning for United is that whatever message Mourinho was trying to convey is unlikely to be understood by the Frenchman, potentially leading to more below-par displays next season.

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Anyway, elsewhere, Everton have prioritised Crystal Palace winger Wilfried Zaha and Arsenal forward Danny Welbeck as new manager Marco Silva sets about rebuilding his squad (Mirror), Burnley have opened talks with Swansea about a double deal for centre-back Alfie Mawson and midfielder Sam Clucas (Mail).

And Tottenham are “in talks” with Aston Villa about signing 22-year-midifielder Jack Grealish, for whom the cash-strapped Championship club would like £40m (Sky Sports). And if they think they’re getting that much from Daniel Levy, then Dr Tony Xia is a real doctor.