When I was a young, impressionable schoolboy, there was a timeless dilemma posed to me that I have since found can be applied to various facets of adult life. It took the form of a simple question: would you get off with Harold Bishop if you could get off with Beth Brennan (aka Natalie Imbruglia) afterwards?

There is no easy answer. On the one hand, you most certainly don’t want to get off with Harold Bishop. He’s old, he’s overweight, he’s annoying, he’s got silly glasses and, ultimately, he’s Harold Bishop.

But on the flipside, you really, really, really want to get off with Natalie Imbruglia because she is unbelievably fit. You’d do almost anything to get off with her… but getting off with Harold Bishop would surely be a step too far. Or would it?

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It’s a riddle you could run around in your head a million times without finding the definitive solution.
And this is how Everton fans must feel this morning, for they are faced with a very similar dilemma.

In one page of the Sun on Sunday, they are being linked with a sensational January swoop for Arsenal superstar Alexis Sanchez. In another, they are being tipped to appoint unemployed long ball specialist Sam Allardyce as their next manager.

So should they feel excited, or terrified? It’s almost impossible to know for sure.

Let’s start with the nice part. One Sun story is packed with heart-warming words about the Toffees’ swoop for Alexis, such as “Farhad Moshiri would love to bankroll a £30million deal for the Chilean” and Arsenal could be keen to “cash in” on the forward.

The other is filled with ominous phrases about the potential recruitment of Allardyce, such as
“chairman Bill Kenwight is keen on a British appointment” and “former England boss Allardyce has a huge fan at Goodison in director of football Steve Walsh”.

Most bewildering of all is that these two completely separate stories are written by the same man. Alan Nixon, his name is. Why are you toying with the hearts of Evertonians in this way, Alan? Explain yourself!

Man Utd target PSG defender

Moving on, the latest right-back being linked with a move to Manchester United is Paris Saint-Germain’s Thomas Meunier.

The Sunday Express says Red Devils boss Jose Mourinho is planning a £30m swoop for the Belgian defender, who has become “unsettled” after falling behind Dani Alves in the Paris pecking order in a World Cup year.

Whether he’ll get any more enjoyment from being behind Antonio Valencia in the pecking order is debatable.

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Meanwhile, David de Gea is reportedly still “waiting to hear” whether he will be offered an improved contract at Old Trafford, with Real Madrid’s interest in the goalkeeper cooling (Daily Star Sunday).

Elsewhere, Crystal Palace are planning a £20m January raid for Besiktas striker Cenk Tosun (Mail on Sunday), West Brom, Leicester and Aston Villa want “isolated” Man Utd midfielder Michael Carrick in the New Year (Sunday Mirror) and Kevin de Bruyne is set to sign a new £250,000-a-week contract that will make him the best-paid player in Manchester City history (Daily Star Sunday). Until Raheem Sterling asks for more.