Five things... that would ruin the Premier League if Britain quit the EU
1 Everyone is rubbish
If the British people vote to leave the European Union this summer, experts have predicted that the ensuing work permit restrictions will halt the flow of continental footballers to the Premier League and prompt many current top flight stars to depart before next season. It doesn’t take a Super-Agent to work out that, without these players, the quality of the league would deteriorate. Instead of witnessing the world’s football geniuses vie for supremacy every week, fans would have to watch bewildered Englishman lumping hopeful balls into the air. Basically, it would be like watching the national side. And by the time Arsenal finish fourth only to have their celebrations cut short when they find out UEFA have started taking away our Champions League places, it will be too late. People will be already be reminiscing about the good old days when Liverpool and Man Utd both reached the last 16 of the Europa League.
2 Tiki-taka goes English
Pep Guardiola would still be allowed to move to Manchester City - immigration chiefs would make an exception for a man who has won three European Cups - but the players on his summer shopping list may not. In his previous jobs, Guardiola has been accustomed to cherry-picking the cream of Europe’s talent to hone his elegant brand of so-called tiki-taka football. At City, he would have to do it with Fabian Delph, along with whatever other local talent he could get his hands on. Pep could bring in Tom Cleverley to play the Xavi role, while George Boyd could be his Iniesta and Paul Konchesky his David Alaba. The result would be a new, English brand of tiki-taka - mainly consisting of Lee Cattermole being dispossessed on the edge of his own box - which would ultimately destroy Guardiola’s legacy and lead to him retiring in disgrace.
3 Matt Jarvis gets rich
The exodus of overseas players would coincide with a massive Premier League financial windfall, with all clubs set to pocket at least £100m in TV money from next season onwards. So while the standard of players may drop, the cost of them will not. The difference would be that instead of competing for the top players in France, Germany and Spain, top flight sides will be battling for homegrown talent. This means the value of those players - and their wages - would increase, irrespective of their ability. A bog-standard English player such as Matt Jarvis, for example, would suddenly become one of the league’s hottest properties. The winger would be propelled from Norwich squad player to top-four transfer target, commanding a fee of about £25m and a £120,000-a-week salary package. Meanwhile, Jamie Vardy would become the world’s first £100m player, Ashley Westwood would make the Sunday Times rich list and Andy Carroll would be valued at £35m - again.
4 Alan Pardew gets a knighthood
In a post-Brexit world, Man Utd could lose Anthony Martial, Chelsea may have to say goodbye to Kurt Zouma and West Ham might be deprived of Dimitri Payet - just to give a few examples. In fact, every English team would be shorn of talent - except Crystal Palace. The only player in the Eagles squad who would be affected by Brexit is Norwegian centre-back Brede Hangeland, who they can probably cope without. And when you strip all the remaining Premier League teams of their best European players, the Eagles suddenly end up being England’s most formidable club. Sure, Alan Pardew’s side might not have won a match since December, but next season they could win the league. And since it would be the first major trophy in the club’s history, nobody could really complain when Pards gets his invite to Buckingham Palace in 2017.
5 PM Johnson outlaws rabonas
A likely political outcome of a Brexit is that Boris Johnson would, eventually, replace David Cameron as Prime Minister. From football’s perspective, this would be like sacking Steve McClaren and replacing him with John Carver. While Cameron at least pretends to like football, and can often be found waxing lyrical about his favourite team West Villa Rovers, Johnson holds the sport in disdain - as demonstrated by the two times he has been seen playing it. On the first occasion he almost maimed someone with a rugby tackle, while on the second he cynically fouled a 9-year-old child. As PM, there would be nothing to stop Boris ripping out all the poetry from the beautiful game and turning it into a rugger-polo hybrid that he could flog wholesale to the Chinese.
Read: Five things that would improve the Premier League if Britain quit the EU
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