Five things… Taxpayers will have to pay for at West Ham’s Olympic Stadium


1 Utilities
The details of West Ham’s Olympic Stadium deal have been revealed to much outrage, with a 207-page document published on Thursday by the London Legacy Development Corporation (LLDC) listing a variety of costs covered by the taxpayer instead of the Hammers, including heating, lighting, power, pitch maintenance, goals, goal nets, stewards, police and corner flags. West Ham will also be excused from paying the venue’s cleaners, a famously highly paid demographic whose removal from the wage bill will potentially save the club billions, once Jeremy Corbyn gets into power and increases the minimum wage to £100-an-hour.

2 Bathroom luxuries
Many taxpayers have raised concerns that West Ham’s co-chairmen David Sullivan and David Gold, who made their fortunes in the distasteful business of sexual condiments, stand to gain financially from the club’s move. And while there is allegedly a deal in place to limit the profits the Davids would make if they sell the club, the roguish duo will benefit in other ways – notably in the installation of heated toilet seats in the boardroom lavatories. Relaxing upon a warmed throne is one of the last great pleasures in life for 108-year-old Gold, while it is well-known that Sullivan likes to give all media interviews while sitting on the loo because it gives him a choice of ends from which to deliver his quotes (the traditional orifice frequently being eschewed).

3 Shower gel
Anyone who has noted the general cleanliness of footballers will be shocked to learn that the LLDC will foot the bill for all shower gel used in the players’ changing rooms. As vain and ferociously virile young males, footballers consume personal grooming products in vast quantities. Hunky Hammers defender James Tomkins, for example, is understood to shower five times a day “in case he has sex with someone”. It is also feared that the £250,000 extra rent West Ham would pay the LLDC if they qualify for the Champions League could be instantly wiped out if the Hammers drawing Real Madrid and Cristiano Ronaldo uses the Olympic Stadium showers. With the Treasury liable for all soap costs, economists have predicted that one Ronaldo bathing session in Stratford could trigger another round of devastating budget cuts.

4 Hairbands
Under the conditions of the LLDC agreement it is noted on page 182, footnote 17, that all players’ hair accessories will be government-funded – a particular boon for the Hammers because burly striker Andy Carroll is believed to go through thousands of scrunchies per year. Some fall off during matches, others are lost forever in his tangled mane before being absorbed into his brain, while hundreds he jubilantly tosses away onto dancefloors while excitedly bopping away on the podiums of Essex nightclubs. The LLDC would also cover the costs of hairbands for future signings, such as flamboyant South American defenders or Andriy Voronin.

5 Music lessons
So desperate were Olympic chiefs to avoid the iconic London 2012 stadium becoming a “white elephant” that they also caved to West Ham’s demands to bankroll Flamenco guitar classes for players run by the club’s flamboyant Spanish goalkeeper Adrian San Miguel del Castillo (aka Adrian). The creative team bonding exercise is believed to have been instrumental (hahahahaha) in the Hammers’ success this season and helped them be more in tune (hahahahahaha) with each other on the pitch. However, it is estimated by music experts who have observed the squad’s jamming sessions that the taxpayer will need to supply additional tuition costs of £500,000 before Mark Noble learns the chords to La Bamba - with potentially catastrophic effects for the NHS.

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