It has, by and large, been a hugely disappointing show from Louis van Gaal in the 21 months since he was appointed Manchester United manager.

Every weapon in his armoury has proved impotent. Possession football, 3-5-2, defensive solidity, world class signings, end-of-season dinner rants - they all promised so much but delivered virtually nothing. It leaves us with the sorry sight of the Dutchman limping towards the finish line of this frustrating season, seemingly doomed to be his last at Old Trafford.

But at the very least, LVG has consistently shown he will not go down without a fight. And in these final flickering embers of his career in English football, he resembles a man with nothing left to lose. It’s time, therefore, for one last throw of the dice. To unfurl the one weapon he has so far kept hidden for fear of alarming anyone: his sexiness.

“A lot of times I use the word ‘horny’,” Van Gaal announced to the stunned media as he explained how he wanted his team to approach this week’s must-win Europa League tie against FC Thingy.

Many assumed this was merely an amusing semantic slip-up from a doddery foreigner, but as an experienced linguist eloquent in four languages, there is no doubt Van Gaal knew the precise meaning of horny - defined by the English dictionary as “feeling or arousing sexual excitement”.

His words were calculated. Here was a proud 64-year-old man laying bare the fact that he is a sexual God and he was finally prepared to unleash this power for football purposes.

It was a bold move, which could have backfired horrendously.

Who could have blamed Jesse Lingard, for example, from recoiling in disgust from his manager imploring him to be “horny”, resulting in a below-par performance?

Similarly, Van Gaal could not have complained if Morgan Schneiderlin had point-blank refused to play in a “horny” manner on grounds of taste and decency.

But LVG’s lusty gamble paid off - and in some style. A young, hungry United team banged in five goals against their unspellable Danish opponents and left their manager purring through his post-match analysis with a cigarette draped seductively over his lower lip.

“The spirit was so high and a lot of players reached a fantastic level. I have never seen the dressing room like this,” he enthused with a wink, emboldened by the fruits of his new approach.

Being overtly sexy is a technique no manager has ever tried before - but it makes so much sense, given that footballers have more sex per capita than any other demographic. It’s a way to relate to them.

So what next? Van Gaal has less than three months to persuade United’s owners not to sack him, and now that the horny football floodgates have been opened - with some success - it means things will surely only get sexier.

Finally, Van Gaal can throw off the shackles of the stereotypical “football manager” and be the person he feels inside.

He can feel free to blow kisses to the crowd Marilyn Monroe-style as their boos fade to cheers, or to jubilantly grind up behind Arsene Wenger if United score against Arsenal at the weekend.

The unbecoming MUFC winter coat and the rigid suit and tie can be tossed aside in favour of “something more comfortable” - a figure-hugging shirt with the top button undone, a silky dressing gown, perhaps even some PVC hotpants when the weather warms up.

Perhaps he will attempt to escalate the traditional pre-match handshake with fellow managers into a full kiss - with tongues - just to rattle his opposite number. It’s all mind games, just in a different style to Sir Alex Ferguson.

Until now most of us have not viewed Van Gaal in a sexual way, but beneath that puffy, pale facade is a hulk of a man who has made love countless times and enjoyed several orgasms.

The question is whether this can be translated into success on the football pitch, and on the evidence on Man Utd’s display on Thursday it most certainly can. Whatever happens for the remainder of United’s season, it’s sure to be one hell of a ride.

Follow @darlingkevin on Twitter

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