5 things... Cristiano Ronaldo won't tell his grandchildren about the 2016 Champions League final
His free-kicks were rubbish
Have a look at any newspaper or website on Sunday morning and you’ll be greeted with a semi-nude Cristiano Ronaldo lapping up the adulation that followed his match-winning shoot-out spot-kick in the Champions League final against Atletico Madrid. The pictures are just how Cristiano would have planned them in his dreams. And when his son, Cristiano Ronaldo Jr, has children of his own and calls them all Cristiano Ronaldo Jr Jr, the family can get together and Cristiano Ronaldo (senior) can tell all the other Cristiano Ronaldos about the day he single-handedly won the Champions League - and show them the photos to prove it. What he won’t mention is that his penalties were much more effective than his free-kicks, which he hasn’t been good at for ages - as typified by the late effort he blasted miserably into the wall.
He wasn’t as good as Stefan Savic
Having photographic proof that he was the key man in the final means Ronaldo won’t ever have to mention that he wasn’t actually the best player in the match, or even one of them. In general play, the Real Madrid talisman was fairly ineffective and was outshone by everyone from his nemesis friend Gareth Bale to former Manchester City liability Savic. Atletico’s Montenegrin defender became something of a laughing stock during his short, calamitous spell in the Premier League a few years ago, but he didn’t give Ronaldo a kick at the San Siro. His grandchildren do not have to know this.
He had a full body wax before the game
If you had to pick one thing that shone through about Ronaldo’s evening, it’s that he couldn’t wait to get his top off. The explosion we witnessed after the decisive penalty was not just about a man winning a football match, but a man who desperately wanted to show millions of global TV viewers the results of his intensive pre-final grooming regime - and had just had to wait 120 minutes to do it. The famous white jersey was literally ripped away to reveal a torso as hairless and shiny as a bikini model waxwork. An enduring image, although if Ronaldo was a real showman he would have let the waxing slide for a couple of weeks and surprised us all by unfurling a Ryan-Giggs-style chest rug.
He got off with Pepe
When all the little Cristiano Ronaldos are gathered around the fireplace in 50 years’ time, CR7 will almost certainly omit to mention that the first thing he did after Real Madrid won the Champions League was lie on his back and endure a prolonged sexual advance by his ugliest team-mate. Cristiano and his compatriot Pepe have obviously gone through a lot together for club and country over the years, but it was still slightly surprising to see them canoodling openly on the turf following the match. Not that it wasn’t also beautiful too, in a way. A weird way.
He didn’t single-handedly win the 2014 Champions League either
The most remarkable thing about Ronaldo grabbing the Champions League glory for himself is that it’s not even the first time he has done it. Two years ago, the same thing happened. When Real were leading Atletico 3-1 in the 120th minute of the 2014 Champions League - the Decima having been safely secured - Ronaldo scored an totally inconsequential spot-kick, then ripped off his shirt in wild celebration and ensured that all the back pages the following morning would be dominated by his six-pack.
Maybe Ronaldo wasn’t the best player against Atletico, and isn’t as good as he used to be, and can’t take free-kicks anymore, but one thing that can’t be denied is that the man has an unparalleled sense of occasion.
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