Making the game beautiful: Football's greatest ever own goals

#16 THE OWN GOALS

Opinion is split over the single greatest thing about “the beautiful game”. Of course, most people agree that the worst thing in football is Sam Allardyce readjusting his trousers on TV while revealing plans to make Everton “more boring”, having amassed three shots on target in six games. But the best thing? Is it a last-minute winner? A last-minute winner scored by your goalkeeper? Or maybe an own goal plucked from the comedy gods with absolute perfect timing. Excruciatingly compelling, these players are scoring own goals for fun.

Festus Baise

The scorpion kick has become very fashionable in recent years, led by two incredible efforts in the Premier League from Henrikh Mkhitaryan and Olivier Giroud. But where were they in 2011, when Festus Baise was perfecting the reverse scorpion kick into his own net during a game for Sun Hei in Hong Kong’s first division? And where are they now? Certainly not playing for Chinese Super League club Guizhou Zhicheng in Guiyang, that’s for sure.

Adrien Gulfo

Adrien Gulfo’s spectacular recent effort for Pully Footy in their game against FC Rennes has justifiably been proclaimed one of the greatest own goals ever. The way he bids to bring the ball under control before launching into an overhead clearance is professionally done. But Gulfo thrashes at the ball in mid-air with such gusto that it’s clear only technique, not application, can fail him. Which it does. Having said that, it takes real skill to score from here.

Mickael Roche

Goalkeepers feature quite heavily in this article. That’s because they’re often on the receiving end of a defender’s idiocy. However, Mickael Roche’s error playing for Tahiti’s AS Tefana against Nadi in Fiji is all of his own making, bending a pass directly around the post into the net like a perfect golf chip. If it’s any consolation, his team went on to win 6-1. The thing is, that probably won’t be any consolation, given that the goal people will remember from the 2016 match and watch over and over and over again, is this one.

Franck Queudrue

It’s a shame there seems to be no evidence of Franck Queudrue’s volleyed stunner for Bastia against Lens in 2001 without musical accompaniment. But the soundtrack is oddly fitting, coming from happily deranged Welsh indie icons Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci. This own goal was enough to convince The Premier League that Queudrue had mastered the art of defending and he duly led Birmingham to relegation in 2008, earning a commendation from chairman David Sullivan, who said the club had “bought a pile of rubbish last season and Franck Queudrue has disappointed me the most”.

Assaf Mendes

Ever since Pat Jennings lumped a clearance directly into the Manchester United net back in 1967, goalkeepers have been making use of the elemental and unpredictable power of the wind. But what it if’s blowing in the wrong direction and you somehow don’t compute the potential consequences of booting a clearance directly into the sky, as Assaf Mendes did in a practice match playing for Maccabi Haifa against Dynamo Kiev in 2012? Here’s what.

Chris Brass

Surely among the most famous own goals in footballing history, this 2006 effort from Chris Brass is so complex it deserves a PhD thesis. The Bury defender’s wild slash in a match against Darlington has earned universal acclaim for the fact that Brass not only managed to drive the ball into his own face but also reportedly suffered a broken nose in the process. His ignominy was made complete last year, when the club fired him from a brief spell as manager. It’s tempting to wonder which experience has proved most haunting.

Milan Gajic

Some of these own goals are so perfect, such devastatingly precise finishes that it seems unlikely the players in question could ever repeat them. That’s surely the case for Milan Gajic, who ripped this glorious half-volley past his own goalkeeper while playing for Young Boys in a 2-2 draw against FC St Gallen. What was he thinking? Something along the lines of: “I think I might be coming down with labyrinthitis.”

Mohammad Shatnawi

Here’s another goalkeeper venturing into dangerous territory that even the great Hugo Lloris has yet to fully master. Using your hands is one thing but it’s when the feet become involved that footballers like Mohammad Shatnawi risk a mistake that will leave them scarred for life. Playing in a match billed as Jordan’s El Clásico for Al-Faisaly against their closest rivals Al-Wehdat in 2015, Shatnawi conjured a piece of acrobatic skill that has surely made him a club legend. If only it was for the right club.

Wayne Hatswell

Wayne Hatswell is the sort of name that deserves a degree of foolish infamy. But surely not even Wayne’s parents can have imagined he would be immortalised in quite such extravagant fashion as this. Playing for Forest Green in the early rounds of the FA Cup in 2000, most of his team-mates were dreaming of Wembley. But not Wayne, who was instead shooting for the stars with this epic finish into the top corner of his own net.

Unknown (somewhere in Turkey)

Are we saving the best until last with this recently unearthed gem? So ridiculous it could have been set up and so obscure no one seems able to identify any of the players involved, the goal, if you can call it that, was conceded in 2017. Look on agog as the goalkeeper of Gaziantep Büyükşehir in the Turkish league saves a penalty and then sees his moment of triumph comically whitewashed from history by one of his own players.

NEXT WEEK: THE CULT ICONS