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What absolutely will happen in the Premier League this weekend
A chess match at Old Trafford, a distracted Chelsea, a European hangover for Spurs and a stroll for Manchester City? That’s what we’ve decided is in store for this Premier League weekend…
Manchester United vs Liverpool
Put your mortgage on…
An arduous watch for the neutrals, despite the best efforts of Liverpool’s front three. It is no coincidence that the last three meetings between Jose Mourinho and Jurgen Klopp have ended 0-0, 1-1, 0-0 and 1-1.
It might only be second place at stake, but Jose’s unlikely to want to let those bragging rights slip.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
October 1992 – 2-0 down at home to their old friends, Manchester United unleash their not-so-secret weapon: Leslie Mark Hughes OBE. Just listen to how much Andy Gray enjoys that first-time volleyed lob over Bruce Grobbelaar…
Everton vs Brighton
Put your mortgage on…
Brighton to finally take their home form on the road. Amid the mid-to-lower-table dross, Chris Hughton has finally got his side attacking and scoring – to the point where a 34-year-old Glenn Murray is being tipped as England’s next one-cap wonder – and they’re winning friends along the way. For Big Sam and Everton, it’s largely the opposite.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
April 1983: Everton come down to the south coast and are gifted a slapstick opening goal, which sets them on the way to all three points…
Huddersfield vs Swansea
Put your mortgage on…
A mutually-acceptable draw. 13th v 15th in mid-March would normally be partridge_shrug.gif made footballing flesh, but this is 2017/18 and everyone from Watford down are still looking over their shoulder. These two should have their business in order more than the rabble underneath them – a point apiece won’t see many complaints.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
April 1994: The Autoglass Trophy final at Wembley goes to penalties…and the commentator spoils it for Huddersfield by saying he’d “bet money” on Phil Starbuck to tuck his penalty away. Phil Starbuck does not tuck his penalty away.
Newcastle vs Southampton
Put your mortgage on…
If this is anything other than a tame draw, I’ll….I’ll….well, let’s not commit to anything. The thing is, both of these sides – 16th and 17th in the table respectively – will go for the win…only to find they just don’t have the punching power.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
January 1994: with the score locked at 1-1 at St James’, Newcastle concede an 83rd-minute free-kick within Matthew Le Tissier range. You can guess the rest…
West Brom vs Leicester
Put your mortgage on…
West Brom to start waving the white flag. Unable to summon an emergency managerial rescue act to rescue Alan Pardew’s rescue act, it looks like the club’s Chinese owners will have to make peace with the prospect of Championship football. Look forward to them dragging themselves back up in time for the 2019/20 season.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
April 1996: West Brom’s Ajax-schooled midfielder Richard Sneekes produces a spectacular collector’s item – in off the bar and stuck in the stanchion. Full credit to the cameraman afterwards too…
West Ham vs Burnley
Put your mortgage on…
Claret everywhere. While West Ham continue to slowly implode, entirely by their own steam, the visit of Burnley just feels like an inconvenience on the way to the end of a season to forget. Still, the prospect of Aaron Lennon vs Patrice Evra has a nice retro feel about it.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
November 2009: Only West Ham could go 5-0 up within 64 minutes – with goals from such random, forgettable, foreign-sounding players like “Guillermo Franco” and “Luis Jimenez” – and then still nearly chuck it away.
Chelsea vs Crystal Palace
Put your mortgage on…
Antonio Conte’s side to play within themselves again. Last weekend was a bizarre one-off, more about Manchester City’s supremacy than Chelsea’s multiple inadequacies, but this time the outgoing Premier League champions will have something else on their minds. Crystal Palace might look like Barcelona if you squint a bit and ignore all their football, but Wednesday night at the Nou Camp really is the real quiz.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
March 2005: Chelsea take another step towards their first Premier League title by putting Palace to the sword at Stamford Bridge, Gudjohnsen works some magic on the halfway line, Joe Cole finishes. It was also a special day: this was the only time goalkeeper Gabor Kiraly didn’t wear his famous tracksuit bottoms.
Joe Cole with the finish in 2005!
It's Crystal Palace up next at the Bridge… pic.twitter.com/4rUHCFYkoP
— Chelsea FC (@ChelseaFC) March 7, 2018
Arsenal vs Watford
Put your mortgage on…
Arsenal to find a cojone or two. The reverse fixture is memorable for Troy Deeney’s post-match taunt about the Gunners’ testicular shortcomings but a much-needed morale boost at the San Siro in midweek should propel them to salvaging back a little of that pride.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
March 1987: Watford come to Highbury for an FA Cup quarter-final (sixth round, whatever) and Luther Blissett and John Barnes do the damage…
Bournemouth vs Tottenham
Put your mortgage on…
A European hangover, followed by a south-coast bender. If Tottenham’s season is going to go south, it might start here, before an April Fools’ Day visit to Chelsea. But it also depends on which Bournemouth turn up…
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
Motivated by such genial homemade banners as “CHERRIES WILL BRING SPURS TO HEEL”, Bournemouth & Boscombe Athletic – of Division Three (South) – topple Tottenham in the FA Cup all the way back in 1957.
Stoke vs Manchester City
Put your mortgage on…
Manchester City going 18 points clear, and placing United’s record title-winning margin of 1999/00 in grave danger.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
Is it really 10 years since Robinho was at Manchester City? Here he is putting a hat-trick past Stoke back in 2008…
