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What absolutely will happen in the Premier League this weekend
Another set of ups and downs for this column last weekend – it’s almost as if football is rather unpredictable after all. Anyway, West Ham spring a surprise against Chelsea (even if we correctly forecasted that Joe Hart would be watching from the bench).
Elsewhere, we were almost on the Mounie with Huddersfield’s win over Brighton, and Tottenham’s dismantling of Stoke.
We go again…
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Leicester v Crystal Palace
Put your mortgage on…
Leicester making it five out of five. Claude Puel’s schadenfreude-drenched return to Southampton coincided with arguably the best performance since he took over, and helped dispel this lingering idea that his teams lack adventure. There’s no fairytale this season, but they are scoring goals like it’s 2015: all quick counters and decisive finishing. Can Palace handle that? Probably not.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
Wembley, 1996: Martin O’Neill is planning for penalties by bringing on substitute goalkeeper Zeljko “The Spider” Kalac in the 119th minute…but Steve Claridge’s shin ruins everybody’s fun by putting Leicester into the Premier League at Crystal Palace’s expense.
Arsenal v Newcastle
Put your mortgage on…
Arsenal to find a way through. Although a newly-organised West Ham put up a disciplined, motivated wall against them in midweek (architect: David Moyes), Newcastle are miles away from providing the sort of resilience that Rafa Benitez usually demands. Arsene Wenger is likely to recall Alexandre Lacazette up front, giving them some punch for when they inevitably get the visitors on the Emirates ropes.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
April, 1998: Patrick Vieira puts Newcastle to bed with a 30-yard medieval catapult of a goal, as Arsenal continued a run of victories that helped them cruise past Manchester United and lift their first Premier League title.
Brighton v Burnley
Put your mortgage on…
It’s going to be Brighton 0 Burnley 1. You know it, I know it and Sean Dyche’s whiteboard knows it.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
2002: Brighton legend Bobby Zamora inspires his side to an opening-day Division One win at Turf Moor. Sean Dyche would not put up with defending like this:
Chelsea v Southampton
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Eden Hazard to run riot. He cut a frustrated figure at the London Stadium, but was then handed the freedom of west Yorkshire as Chelsea bounced straight back in midweek. The absence of Alvaro Morata served only to inflict the slippery, backheel-happy trio of Hazard, Willian and Pedro upon Huddersfield.
Southampton were alarmingly unprepared for Leicester’s fleetness of foot, which doesn’t bode well for their trip to Stamford Bridge.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
A touch of class from Ruud Gullit in 1995, and his first goal in a Chelsea shirt, against Southampton at Stamford Bridge.
Stoke v West Ham
Put your mortgage on…
Mark Hughes fielding some difficult questions. West Ham are hardly flying, but David Moyes has at least stopped the bleeding, while the grumbles at a stagnant Stoke are getting louder by the week. The trouble is: nobody can out-grumble Mark Hughes.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
Let’s go back 45 years to a frankly barmy League Cup semi-final between these two, which took two legs and another two replays to settle. Stoke finally prevailed in the fourth game at Old Trafford – in which Bobby Moore had to go in goal for West Ham, and saved a penalty – but they only got that far thanks to the heroics of proper goalkeeper Gordon Banks down at Upton Park.
Penalty saves don’t get much better than this…
Watford v Huddersfield
Put your mortgage on…
Watford standing firm for once. Losing in midweek to Crystal Palace was he height of carelessness, which is fast becoming one of their unfavourable traits under Marco Silva. Luckily, they’re welcoming Huddersfield – the division’s least prolific travellers, aside from Palace – to Vicarage Road.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
HORNETS STING TERRIERS
Manchester City v Tottenham
Put your mortgage on…
A pre-Christmas cracker. Superlatives are running out for City’s current run of form – which is now a record-breaking one – but Spurs are a bigger threat to it than they might have looked a couple of weeks ago. This fixture seemed to be emerging as one of the Premier League’s fresh, new potential classics – Saturday’s tea-time edition could live up to that.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
A defenceless shambles at Maine Road back in 1994, as Manchester City hammer the final nail into the coffin of Ossie Ardiles’ spell as Spurs boss…
West Brom v Manchester United
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Romelu Lukaku to officially emerge from his funk. The non-celebration of his drought-ending goal against Bournemouth in midweek is likely to be replaced by a muted celebration against the side for whom he scored 17 Premier League goals on loan as a 19-year-old. God, he’s been around for ages already, hasn’t he?
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
“He shot into the top corner and I went up to try and head it and just punched it. The shot was so fast and so hard, I just did it. It was on the telly and if I remember my face is so upset, it was like ‘Good God – what have I done?’”
West Brom defender Ally Robertson performs one of the finest deliberate handballs of all time.
What’s more, Manchester United missed the penalty and went on to lose 4-0. Sometimes, crime really does pay.
Bournemouth v Liverpool
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Liverpool to return to the top four….just. With Spurs very possibly dropping some points up at City, Klopp is unlikely to engage in the tinkering that saw Liverpool stutter in the Merseyside derby – expect his front three of Salah, Mane and Firmino to start.
As for Bournemouth, they gave a good account of themselves in defeat to Manchester United, with Jermain Defoe reminding us that he’s still alive and kicking. A repeat of last year’s comeback heroics might be a stretch, but the Cherries will keep Liverpool honest.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
RED TIDE FLOODS SOUTH COAST
Everton v Swansea
Put your mortgage on…
The highest recorded ratio of goal-quality to celebration mutedness when Gylfi Sigurdsson lasers home a free-kick to give Everton all three points and condemn his old club to a ninth defeat in eleven games.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
GYLFI PLEA AFTER SWANS ARE SHOT DOWN
