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What absolutely will happen in the Premier League this weekend
It was a superb – almost sensational showing – for this column’s predictions last time out. Leicester got their well-earned point at Chelsea, Crystal Palace edged past Burnley, West Ham came back from Huddersfield with an impressive win, Newcastle and Swansea shared the spoils, Tottenham made light work of Everton, and Liverpool v Man City was an absolute classic: all as forecasted right here.
With our morale sky-high, we get stuck into this weekend’s fixture list, the reverse of the Boxing Day match-ups, beginning with an awkward-looking one for a shaky Chelsea.
Brighton v Chelsea
Put your mortgage on…
Eden Hazard wondering if he’s going to have to do it all himself. With Alvaro Morata suspended after an increasingly barmy FA Cup replay against Norwich, Michy Batshuayi now firmly out of favour, and the signing of promising young target man Peter Crouch yet to be sealed, it looks like Chelsea’s only consistent talent will be on false nine duty down at Brighton.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
BRIGHTON ROCK SORRY CHELSEA
Arsenal v Crystal Palace
Put your mortgage on…
While the transfer dealings rumble on, a reminder from Alexandre Lacazette that the Gunners already have a £50m striker. Eight goals in 29 games so far has not been a stellar return, but the departure of main man Alexis Sanchez might just give Lacazette room on Arsenal’s attacking platform to deliver.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
Palace’s record on Arsenal turf is thus: Played 21, Won 2. Here’s the last time they took three points back down to south London, all the way back in October 1994, despite the efforts of Arsenal’s Palace old boy Ian Wright:
Burnley v Manchester United
Put your mortgage on…
One single, pre-match attempt at making Sean Dyche engage with good humour about the flimsy story about him once eating a worm at training, before he decides it’s time to move on “and talk about the football match.”
WORMS? | Is Sean Dyche the @BearGrylls of football management…? pic.twitter.com/57nvdKGgGS
— Burnley FC (@BurnleyOfficial) January 18, 2018
The match, according to Ceefax…
Most likely headline in the morning paper
UNITED SURVIVE FIRST-DEGREE BURN
Everton v West Brom
Put your mortgage on…
A debut goal for Theo Walcott. It took him 28 games to open his account with Arsenal – in a Cup final against Chelsea, no less – but he went on to become Arsenal’s fifth-highest Premier League-era scorer.
An earnest sort at the best of times, expect Walcott not to waste so much time in his new colours. And you know what? He’ll deserve it.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
In glorious technicolour, West Brom edge out Everton in extra time of an attritional 1968 FA Cup Final in front of 100,000 at Wembley:
Leicester v Watford
Put your mortgage on…
A depleted Watford, for once, doing what the form book tells them. Marco Silva’s side are an unpredictable lot, but Leicester – bold and impressive against Chelsea last weekend – will surely have too much…
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
Retro? No. Absolutely amazing? Yes.
Stoke v Huddersfield
Put your mortgage on…
Five defeats in their last six matches combined perhaps make this an early relegation six-pointer for these two. Paul Lambert doesn’t sound like a rousing-debut-win kind of manager, but he could have had worse opposition for his first home game. A Stoke win.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
September 1996: Stoke recover from a calamitous Nigel Worthington own goal to come from 2-0 down to beat Huddersfield. Seriously, watch the own goal, it’s one of those where you have to double-check it’s not a striker scoring a perfectly good header at the right end.
West Ham v Bournemouth
Put your mortgage on…
One mini-revival to continue, and it’ll probably be West Ham’s. Bournemouth’s win over Arsenal was an eye-catching one, but the Hammers’ sudden taste for goals should see them go one better than their epic draw over Christmas.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
October 1999: the Hammers dispatch the Cherries in the League Cup, thanks in part to some lovely work from a very young Joe Cole, starting with a quite delicious backheel.
Manchester City v Newcastle
Put your mortgage on…
David Silva to return and steady a ship that was only slightly rocking. Liverpool gave City both a battering and a chasing last weekend…and still conceded three. Newcastle at home shouldn’t be as stressful.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
A proper mid-90s Premier League barnstormer at Maine Road 22 years ago, featuring some vintage Georgi Kinkladze and Faustino Asprilla giving Keith Curle an elbow AND a headbutt for his troubles. Oh, and six goals. Phew.
Southampton v Tottenham
Put your mortgage on…
Harry Kane to condemn Southampton to the relegation zone. In fact, this one looks a bit hat-tricky.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
FA Cup fifth round replay, March 1995: Ronnie Rosenthal lets loose for Spurs at the Dell, hammering a hat-trick beyond Bruce Grobbelaar, who was definitely, definitely trying to save them all.
Swansea v Liverpool
Put your mortgage on…
A ruthless away performance. Liverpool have scored at least twice in each of their last six away games, so a trip to the bottom side won’t have Salah and co shaking in their shooting boots.
The match, according to Ceefax…
Retro indulgence
January, 1990: Swansea come to Anfield three days after getting a 0-0 draw in the FA Cup, only to be annihilated EIGHT-NIL. The highlight of the evening? Well…
