Alternative Champions League final preview

Diego Simeone will attempt to stop Real Madrid by throwing a ballboy on the pitch

Most managers seeking to disrupt the flow and rhythm of an opposition team will instruct his players to waste time. Deliberate over throw-ins, re-position the ball at goal kicks, take free kicks short, that sort of thing. Diego Simeone isn’t like most managers, though. He has a very different tactic.

In a match against Malaga last month the Atletico Madrid boss appeared to encourage a ball boy to throw on an extra ball in order to halt an opposition counter attack. Simeone received a three-match ban for his mischief, but against Real Madrid he’ll take matters into his own hands, literally.

If he can’t get a ball boy to throw a ball on to the pitch, he’ll throw the ball boy on to the pitch himself. He’ll grab the poor unsuspecting child, hold him above his head and propel him at the feet of Gareth Bale, tripping up the Welshman and injuring him for the Euros. Simeone will do anything for victory. Not even Eden Hazard treats ball boys this poorly.

Shia LaBeouf will start up front for Real Madrid as part of an art project

Football is full of doppelgängers. Michael Ballack, for instance, looks a little like Matt Damon. Rafael Benitez is a lookalike for the Chicken Man from Toy Story. And have you ever noticed that Neven Subotic bears more than a passing resemblance to Tom Hiddlestone? Nothing can compare to the resemblance between Karim Benzema and Shia LaBeouf.

The two are almost identical. They cannot be separated. The only thing that differentiates between the duo is that one players football and the other is a Hollywood actor turned exhibitionist. But that will change on Saturday. LaBeouf - a man who recently spent 24 hours in a lift in the name of art - will take on his greatest project yet.

The Transformer actor will transform himself into a Real Madrid centre-forward for the Champions League final, taking the place of Benzema in Zidane’s starting lineup. Like Karl Power in the Man Utd team photo all those years ago, LaBeouf will take to the field in full Real Madrid kit and play a full 90 minutes against Atletico Madrid. Nobody will notice a thing.

With his leg held together with duck tape Cristiano Ronaldo will insist ‘I’m fine”

When Cristiano Ronaldo limped out of training earlier this week the Madrid press pushed the panic button. With that headlines concerning the number seven’s fitness were generated. “Cristiano faces injury crisis ahead of Champions League final,” one exclaimed. Another stated that this latest injury underlined how “Cristiano is fighting battle against his own fitness.”

And yet the man himself insists there is no issue, laughing off suggestions he could miss Saturday’s final in Milan. He’s done that a few times this season, shrugging off concerns over his fitness even when it is clear that he is some way below 100 percent.

So having struggled with numerous knocks and niggles this season Ronaldo will take to the San Siro pitch with his leg held together by duck tape, blue tack and whatever adhesive the Real Madrid medical staff can find at a Milan petrol station en route to the game. “I’m fine,” he’ll insist as he limps out to warm-up, grimacing with every step. He could be missing his leg and like the Black Knight in Monty Python Ronaldo would insist that it was merely a flesh wound.

The fashion houses of Milan will throw freebies at Simeone and Zinedine Zidane

The beautiful game isn’t always known for its beautiful fashion. Every time Arsene Wenger wears his zippy trench coat on the touchline a Milanese tailor slams his tape measure against a wall. But this year’s Champions League final will be somewhat different.

In Simeone and Zinedine Zidane Atletico Madrid and Real Madrid boast two of the most fashionable coaches in the game. New York, Paris and Milan might be considered the fashion capitals of the world, but with those two patrolling the touchline of their respective clubs Madrid might soon join such company.

And so in the Italian capital of fashion Simeone and Zidane will have freebies chucked at them from every angle. Pants, socks, cravats, pocket squares, Milan’s fashion houses will essentially empty on the two managers in the hope that they will wear their label on the touchline on Saturday night. Even shoes will be thrown, and for once it won’t be Arda Turan throwing them.

Gareth Bale will stand and watch as Ronaldo thumps every freekick into the wall

There is a freekick master at Real Madrid. He might even be the best freekick taker in all of world football. The whip, speed and swerve he can get on a set piece is quite astonishing, giving Los Blancos real threat from anywhere around the edge of the penalty area.

Rather bizarrely though, the freekick master isn’t actually the one who takes the freekicks at Real Madrid. Ronaldo, not Bale, takes the freekicks, regardless of where they are on the pitch, invariably smashing every single one of them straight into the wall. On the odd occasion they don’t go into the wall they’re ballooned over the bar.

Maybe Ronaldo is still living off that freekick he once scored against Portsmouth. Or the one he scored against Arsenal in the Champions League. Whatever the reason, Real Madrid are being robbed of the threat Bale can offer from set pieces. Against Atletico Madrid the Welshman will stand by and watch as Ronaldo smashes freekick after freekick into the wall knowing that he could do a better job. Not even the West Bank wall took this much of a battering.