Alternative England v Malta Preview

Gareth Southgate to take advice from Diego Costa, Joey Barton and Roy Keane

They say the interim England manager isn’t tough enough. That he lacks the backbone to succeed at international level. John Stones insists Gareth Southgate is ruthless enough for the job, but that’s a little like Chris Martin claiming the lead singer of Keane (whose name nobody can ever remember) to be anything other than dreadfully beige.

And so Southgate will take advice from football’s terrible trio ahead of his first match as interim England boss on Saturday. Diego Costa, Joey Barton and Roy Keane will all be summoned to Wembley to give Southgate a few pointers on how to be a bastard. He’ll be set as long as he doesn’t take any advice from Sam Allardyce.

Wayne Rooney will enjoy a Club Wembley half-time meal, because he can do whatever he wants

Wayne Rooney plays wherever he wants, according to Allardyce. The England manager, whoever that may be at any given time, has no control over the England captain. He does what he wants, holding down no position in particular, floating wherever he find the ball or smell food. Who are we to tell Rooney where to play or what to do? If Big Sam can’t tell him what to do, nobody can.

Being England captain and the country’s top goalscorer comes with certain privileges and one of those privileges is a Club Wembley half-time meal. Rooney isn’t one to turn down a free meal, but because he does what he wants the striker will miss the start of the second half against Malta, finally joining his teammates with hollandaise sauce smeared around his mouth. Maybe they’ll give him a doggy back to take home. He might take one anyway, like he did with all that Nike merchandise that one time.

Theresa May to block Raheem Sterling from playing for England

British jobs for British people. That was the predominant message communicated by Prime Minister Theresa May at this week’s Conservative Party Conference and it extends to the England national team. That means no place for Raheem Sterling, English through-and-through, but born in Kingston, Jamaica.

Maybe the decision will be reversed, though. Foreigners will only be employed to do jobs that British people simply can’t do. On such grounds, Southgate could surely call-up foreigners to his squad. Because if there’s one job English people can’t do it’s form a successful England team.

Joe Hart to make sure the cameras catch every save he makes

Gossip mag celebrities do it all the time. Joe Hart will send a group text to his paparazzi pals ahead of touchdown from Turin, alerting him to his arrival in London. The goalkeeper wants to be noticed this weekend, particularly by a certain Catalan coach who looks especially good in a sweater-blazer combo.

And so every save he makes will done with all the flamboyance he can muster up. He’ll dive for shots aimed straight at him, throwing himself through the air at every possible opportunity, berating photographers for daring to even look away from the match for just a split-second. Hart won’t face much against Malta, but he’ll make the most of what he has to deal with, mailing the following day’s newspaper to the Etihad Stadium. “Dear Pep…”

Marcus Rashford to receive every single pass played by England

The problem with Marcus Rashford is that he’s just too good for his own good. It’s difficult to protect a young player, to bubblewrap them, when for club and country he is consistently the best player on the pitch. That is both an indictment on the teams he plays for and a grand compliment for English football’s greatest hope for the future. Their only hope for the future?

It was obvious in the closing stages of Manchester United’s home draw against Stoke City last week that in times of times Rashford’s teammates look to him to come up with something special. Something to make the difference. Given that England are almost perpetually in times of trouble, certainly at present, Rashford will be on the receiving end of every pass played by England against Malta. His passing stats will read like a reverse Xavi.