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Alternative PL preview - August 26

Alternative PL preview - August 26

Andros Townsend will protest Spurs’ signing of Wilfried Zaha outside White Hart Lane

When Tottenham Hotspur sold Andros Townsend to Newcastle United in January, they did so because they didn’t need an inconsistent, flaky winger with not much of an end product. So it’s a little peculiar that six months on they are looking to sign an inconsistent, flaky winger with even less of an end product.

And so Townsend will now personally protest Wilfried Zaha’s mooted move to White Hart Lane ahead of Saturday’s Premier League fixture against Liverpool. “Why not me?” his hand-scrawled sign will read, evoking the spirit of Mario Balotelli, yet with a more pathetic, tragic sentiment. Who knows, maybe Spurs will reverse their decision. Peter Odemwingie was the last Premier League player to turn up unsolicited at a London stadium and things worked out for him.

Everton will recruit new signings like the Army do in shopping precincts

Just when Everton thought they’d bagged a new signing, Arsenal did to the Toffees what everyone else has done to Arsenal this summer, pinching Deportivo La Coruna’s Lucas Perez from right underneath Ronald Koeman’s nose. The striker was almost all the way up his nostrils, and yet Arsene Wenger still found a way to pick him out like a €20 million bogey.

Everton will now take a new approach to recruitment, having been left frustrated for much of the summer transfer window. They’ll set up a stall outside Goodison Park ahead of Saturday’s home match against Stoke City, pestering passers by into signing on, much like the Army do at shopping precincts, usually outside a Farmfoods.

Arsene Wenger will walk into Vicarage Road using Lucas Perez as a human shield

Finally, Arsenal have spent some f****** money as their fans have demanded they do so for what seems like much of the past decade. Perez has arrived from Deportivo La Coruna, giving the Gunners some additional firepower and providing a much-needed alternative option to Olivier Giroud. Shokdran Mustafi could also be on his way to the Emirates Stadium too.

Given the criticism Wenger has faced from his own supporters, the Frenchman will use Perez as a human shield walking from the team bus to Vicarage Road ahead of Arsenal’s game against Watford this weekend. Normally Per Mertesacker would be used, but with the big German out through injury he can relax in the knowledge that he won’t take a bottle of urine to the face on Saturday. Unless he has some rather unusual weekend plans.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic will get captain’s armband tattoo for the trip to Hull

When Zlatan Ibrahimovic walks into a room, he makes it his own. It’s therefore unsurprising that within just a few weeks of his arrival, he has made Old Trafford his own. It can’t be long before Manchester United replace that sign that tops the Sir Alex Ferguson Stand with the name of their latest number nine. In fact, just name the club itself after him.

For now, though, Ibrahimovic will have to make do with his newfound status as United’s de-facto leader. Wayne Rooney might wear the captain’s armband, but it is the Swedish striker who has taken a grip of the club this season. If Ibrahimovic can’t have the armband he’ll have one tattooed on his bicep for Saturday’s trip to face Hull City. And those with tattooed armbands have dibs on the penalty kicks.

Joe Hart’s fob won’t work as he tries to get in the Etihad Stadium door

Until the Etihad Stadium fax machine receives an offer from another club, Joe Hart remains a Manchester City and will turn up for work every day just like every other day. But when the most famously ostracised goalkeeper in football right now shows up for Sunday’s Premier League fixture against West Ham he’ll find that his fob won’t work any longer.

Hart will attempt to attract the attention of the receptionist inside. “It’s me, Joe,” he’ll protest, only to be met with blank stares. Then he’ll spot a photo-copied sheet of paper pinned to the wall. “Don’t let this man in,” it will read above a picture of Hart’s face. “Beware of his banter,” it will continue. “Don’t be tricked by his dandruff-free hair.”