Alternative PL Preview - September 16

Chelsea will take a unique approach to marketing their Friday night game

What does Friday night football bring to the Premier League? For starters, it has introduced Rachael Riley to those too busy or stupid to watch Countdown during midweek afternoons. But it has given matches a certain edge that usually comes with a night out at Tiger Tiger at the end of a working week. Anything could happen. Anything could kick off.

Chelsea will embrace this, however, by marketing their Friday night fixture against Liverpool this week to the Friday night out crowd. Every ticket will come with a free Jagerbomb at the turnstile. There will be jello shots handed out with every pie and Bovril sold, with the Fratellis played on the hour every hour. They already play Chelsea Dagger at Stamford Bridge, to be fair.

Arsene Wenger will spot Mike Phelan and go looking for an old foe

Arsenal travel north to take on Hull City this weekend and upon arriving at the KC Stadium Arsene Wenger will spot Mike Phelan. He’s a well-known face to Wenger but the Frenchman doesn’t know him by name. Instead he knows him as the guy Sir Alex Ferguson used to send out to speak to the BBC. And so Wenger will come to one conclusion: Fergie must be around there somewhere.

The Arsenal boss will look everywhere. He’ll find a plug socket and follow the cable all the way into the home team dressing room, but instead of a hairdryer on the end of it he’ll find Curtis Davies’ razor. How else do you think he preens that immaculate mini-afro? Wenger will corner Will Keane and James Weir. “Where is he?” the Frenchman will demand. Both Hull players will stare back blankly and point at Phelan. Wenger will scratch his chin. What a conundrum this is.

Everton fans will cast envious glances as they walk past Anfield’s shiny new stand

When it comes to Everton’s future at Goodison Park, there have been more false dawns than a Vicar of Dibley lookalike contest. They’ve tried to leave home more times than Wil.E.Coyote has tried to catch the Road Runner, and they have failed just as often as well. All the while Liverpool have a shiny new Main Stand to show off at Anfield. It’s just not fair.

Toffees on their way to Saturday’s home match against Middlesbrough will walk through Stanley Park and cast envious glances at the luxurious home of their rivals, nose pressed against the window like Charlie looking into the chocolate factory. One day that will be them. Until then, however, they’ll just to make do with the odd lick of new paint at Goodison. What is it they say about lipstick on a pig?

Jack Wilshere will stub out his cigarette and brush his hair for the trip to the Etihad

At Arsenal Jack Wilshere had it easy. The midfielder could done anything and still be hailed as ‘world-class’ by Arsene Wenger. He has since been loaned out to Bournemouth and the Gunners’ boss is still praising him as one of the game’s very best. Which doesn’t really make sense, does it, Arsene?

But Wilshere has been given a chance to prove that he is truly world-class down on the South coast. It’s not so long ago that the midfielder was linked with a move to Manchester City upon the announcement of Pep Guardiola’s arrival there earlier this year. And so Wilshere will stub out his cigarette, brush his hair and shine his shoes to impress the Catalan coach. Prove that he’s the one that got away.

Mathieu Flamini will come up against his footballing spirit animal

Just when you thought you’d seen the last of English football’s toughest tough tackler, he’s back. Mathieu Flamini has signed for Crystal Palace until the end of the season, sending down the shivers of every Premier League player. This weekend he will come up against his footballing spirit animal, Stoke City.

Of course, Stoke have somewhat changed their ways under Mark Hughes, taking on the nickname Stokelona. But Sunday’s game will still see Flamini faced with Charlie Adam in the centre of the Selhurst Park pitch. Gareth Bale and his achilles would be advises to stay well away.