Alternative PL Preview September 30

Mamadou Sakho to use every Snapchat filter on Jurgen Klopp

Snapchat is used for different things by different people. Some use it to perfect their Blue Steel look. Others use it to send pictures of their genitals, as if anyone wants to see that. Mamadou Sakho uses it to go against the warnings of his manager, venting frustration at “the lies” over his absence from Liverpool’s first team.

The centre-back’s ostracisation will continue for this weekend’s trip to Swansea and so Sakho will pull his phone from his pocket and snap away once again. He’ll use every filter on Jurgen Klopp standing on the touchline. He’ll use the one that turns you into an old man, he’ll use the one that puts flowers on your head, he’ll even use the one that swaps faces. Whose face will Sakho swap Klopp’s with? The possibilities are endless.

David Moyes to delete Beyonce from his pre-match playlist

Football managers are adept at finding excuses, but none more so than David Moyes. Having already admitted Sunderland are set for a fight against the drop just two games into the new season the Scot blamed his side’s defeat to Crystal Palace last week on Beyonce. Chart-topping, booty-shaking Beyonce.

Indeed, Moyes pinned blame for Sunderland’s poor start on a lack of home pre-season games due to a Beyonce concert at the Stadium of Light during the summer. Now he holds a personal grudge against the most famous woman in pop, deleting all trace of her from his pre-match playlist. Crazy in Love gets Moyes in the zone, but his resentment runs deep. If Sunderland go down he’ll delete her album completely.

A minute’s silence for Sam Allardyce to be held before every Premier League game

Big Sam got himself in big trouble. The FA decided his position as England manager was untenable following a newspaper investigation you probably don’t need relaying again. But Sam Allardyce has had more than his fair share of backing from the Premier League, with Jose Mourinho among those to come to his defence.

And so the Premier League will hold a minute’s silence before every match this weekend to honour one of its own. One of its fallen. Teams will lineup facing Big Sam’s Spanish villa, saluting in tribute to a man caught out by “entrapment.” Not by his own greed or stupidity, but by the audacity of a newspaper to find some news. Mark Noble might even have a tear in his eye.

Mauricio Pochettino and Pep Guardiola to square up

This weekend’s headline clash sees Spurs host Manchester City at White Hart Lane. The two clubs are expected to compete at the upper end of the Premier League this season, but the real battle between the two clubs is the one fought in the fashion stakes. That’s where it really matters.

Mauricio Pochettino and Pep Guardiola will square up before kick off on Sunday, but their fighting talk won’t be the usual kind. “My sweater/shirt combination is smarter than yours,” one will say to the other. “Yeah, well my shoes are shined brighter than yours.” Pochettino will need to change out of the suit he wore an entire week to sign all those players to new contracts, for a start.

Jamie Vardy will get his port and Lucozade bottles mixed up

The secret to Jamie Vardy’s success has been pondered frequently and by many over the past 18 months or so. Finally, the Leicester City striker revealed all this week. The secret is alcohol. Rather a lot of alcohol.

Ignoring Vardy’s speciality Skittles-infused vodka quotes emerged concerning the striker’s routine on the eve of a match. “I fill a small plastic water or Lucozade bottle to halfway and just sip the port while watching television,” he says, revealing port wine to be the secret to his success. But that means Vardy drinks five doubles of port every night before a game. Diet of an athlete?

This weekend Vardy will get his port and Lucozade bottles mixed up, picking up the wrong one on his way out the door. What will happen when he actually drinks during the game? Will he get even better?