Alternative PL preview - September 8

Pep Guardiola will give Jose Mourinho a Wet Willy on the touchline

After a four year break, the greatest personal rivalry in European football will resume on Saturday. Pep Guardiola and Jose Mourinho know each other well and their duel will provide the defining narrative of the first Manchester derby of the season.

At least one eye will be trained on the touchline at Old Trafford. Sky Sports would be forgiven for bringing in a body language expert to sit alongside their commentators for Saturday’s match, such will be the examination of both men. Guardiola will give them something to talk about, sucking his finger then sticking it in the ear of Mourinho when he’s not watching. After all, everyone knows a Wet Will is justifiable retribution for poking someone in the eye.

Sergio Aguero will watch a DVD copy of his famous goal instead of the Manchester derby

The footballing world might be watching the Manchester derby on Saturday, but Sergio Aguero won’t be. The Argentine striker is suspended for the match after his elbow on West Ham’s Winston Reid, but he won’t even turn over the channel to watch his Manchester City teammates take on United.

Instead he’ll stick on the DVD of that famous title-winning game against Queens Park Rangers all those years ago, reliving the good times. “Agueroooooo,” he’ll mimic as he rewinds his stoppage-time goal to watch time and time again. Just watch that coffee table, Sergio. Don’t celebrate too vigorously or that could be another injury waiting to happen.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic will turn Claudio Bravo into a nervous wreck

Manchester City’s new Chilean goalkeeper opens the door to the Travelodge room he’s staying in temporarily and sees a box sitting on his bed. ‘ Zlatan’ reads the single word scrawled on it, confirming that it is from Manchester United’s Swedish striker. Claudio Bravo expects the worst. What could it be? Maybe it’s Joe Hart’s head.

But when he opens it Bravo finds nothing inside. It’s an empty box, with the exception of a small note at the bottom. “See you on Saturday,” it reads, nothing else. And so the City goalkeeper will turn up at Old Trafford a nervous wreck. Loud noises will startle him. He’ll flinch any time Zlatan Ibrahimovic comes near him. What could the empty box mean?

Antonio Conte will attempt to leave Stamford Bridge without David Luiz

“Drive, drive, DRIVE!” the Chelsea boss will yell at the driver of the team bus as it pulls on to the King’s Road from Stamford Bridge. But Antonio Conte spots a swerving car in the rear-view mirror and is hit with a sense of dread. The sight of David Luiz, Sideshow Bob hair sticking out the sunroof, trailing the team bus is enough to give any football manager the shivers.

But Conte knows that if he leaves Chelsea’s latest deadline day signing behind for the trip to Swansea an angry voicemail from a ruthless Russian oligarch will be left on his phone. And so the Italian has no choice but to stop the bus and allow Luiz on board. “Oh sorry, David. Didn’t see you there,” Conte will utter through gritted teeth as the Brazilian clambers up the steps with an oblivious grin on his face. Welcome to the rest of your life, Antonio.

Jack Wilshere will be caught Googling flights to Rome

When Jack Wilshere turns up at the Vitality Stadium for his first game as a Bournemouth player it’ll finally hit home exactly what he’s done. He could have been up to his eyes in culture in the Italian capital. He could have been sunning himself in Roman warmth. He could have joined a culture that embraces smoking. Instead he’s on the English south coast, stepping over empty packets of Monster Munch as he walks from his car to the ground.

And so, sitting in the dressing room pretending to listen to Eddie Howe’s team talk before Saturday’s game against West Brom, Wilshere will sneak his phone out his Louis Vuitton wash bag and open Google. “Flights to Rome,” he’ll type only for one of his new teammates to glance over and catch the midfielder. Not to worry, Jack. Only nine months until you can visit Rome on your summer holidays.