Alternative Premier League preview

Mark Noble will attempt to carry Jamie Vardy off the pitch

We’ve seen some valiant attempts to stop individual players in the English game - like when the FA tried to stop Luis Suarez by banning him for every second match - but nothing like Mark Noble’s attempt to stop Ander Herrera from wasting time in Manchester United’s win over West Ham during the week.

Noble received no punishment for his caber toss of United’s Spanish midfielder, and so now he will take a similar approach with Jamie Vardy this weekend. There’s no other way to stop the Leicester City striker, after all. Opponents have tried everything, not even the diet of beer and donuts laid on by the Foxes owner a couple weeks ago could stem his goalscoring form.

But can Noble carry two men at the same time? Because even if he manages to shuffle Vardy off the pitch West Ham have Riyad Mahrez to worry about. He certainly won’t be able to carry Wes Morgan over the touchline.

Guus Hiddink and Manuel Pellegrini will be forced to wear masks of their successors

Every so often a member of the cleaning staff at both Stamford Bridge and the Etihad Stadium stumbles into the manager’s office and exclaims “are you still here?!” in shock at the man sitting in front. Indeed, Guus Hiddink and Manuel Pellegrini have been left in a state of lurch at Chelsea and Manchester City this season, keeping the seat warm for their already confirmed successors.

With not much left to play for both clubs are now preparing for the imminent summer arrivals of their new managers. Meetings to draw up shortlists of transfer targets are being held, with Hiddink and Pellegrini left outside the room, pressing their ear to the door.

And so both managers will be forced to wear masks of their replacements’ faces during this weekend’s fixtures. Chelsea and City’s players might as well get used to seeing their new bosses on the touchline as soon as possible.

Manchester United will beat Aston Villa but will receive no points. Because wins over Aston Villa don’t count

Another week, still no sign of any black smoke rising from the Old Trafford chimney. Louis Van Gaal has somehow kept his job this far and after Wednesday’s FA Cup win over West Ham and will most likely keep it until the end of the season now that his team has a day at Wembley to look forward to. Manchester United will pick up another win on Saturday, but they’ll receive no points for the result.

In case you missed it, the Premier League has now ruled that wins over Aston Villa won’t count, with wins already notched against them retrospectively annulled. There’s just no point in pretending any longer that they pose any kind of opposition at this level. They are nothing more than an asterisk at the foot of the table - like a team that entered liquidation before they could fulfil their fixtures.

Roberto Martinez will turn up at Goodison Park wrecked after a night haunted by Leighton Baines

Roberto Martinez hasn’t been able to sleep much recently. No, he hasn’t been spending his nights getting down to Jason Derulo like he did at a Manchester gig recently. He’s not even that concerned about losing his job, with pressure mounting on the Everton manager. He’s simply petrified of Leighton Baines.

Football’s best Noel Gallagher tribute act has become something of a frontman for Everton’s existential crisis this season, laying into his teammates after recent poor results. Martinez made the left back apologise for his comments, which only served to make a martyr of Baines.

The Spaniard must regret calling out the player in public, given the backlash he has faced since. There have been banners and fly-overs during matches. Martinez is subsequently struggling to get to sleep at night. Everywhere he turns, Baines is there… even in his nightmares. This is how Che Guevara started out!

Jurgen Klopp will face something he has never faced before… a manager more hipster than him

Somewhere in Shoreditch there is a sports bar - well, presumably. It serves as a shrine to football’s hipster icons - Valeriy Lobanovskyi, Lars Lagerback and of course Jurgen Klopp. But one icon out-hipsters even the most hipster of footballing hipster icons, and he doesn’t even have a beard - Eddie Howe.

Well-spoken and politely mannered with the face of a choir boy, Howe isn’t the most obvious of hipster idols, but having taken Bournemouth from the foot of the Football League all the way to the top in the space of just a few seasons, all whilst playing a brand of football Marcelo Bielsa would be proud of, his adoption as a hero of those of a bearded persuasion is only natural.

So how will Klopp react to coming face to face with the only manager in football more hipster than him? Sir Alex Ferguson used to pick out a bottle of win from his own reserve for the visit of opposition managers to Old Trafford. Maybe the Bournemouth and Liverpool bosses will share a few craft ales after their match on Sunday.