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Alternative Premier League preview - April 29

Alternative Premier League preview - April 29

Riyad Mahrez will mysteriously disappear during Leicester’s title celebrations at Old Trafford

This weekend could witness the moment that was never meant to happen, Leicester City could win the Premier League title with victory over Manchester United at Old Trafford. Regardless of whether the Foxes pull off the impossible or not, one key player won’t climb back aboard the team bus home.

Riyad Mahrez has been a revelation for Leicester this season, winning the PFA Player of the Year award this week. But with the transfer window closer to edging open with every passing week, rumours are growing as to whether he could leave the King Power Stadium this summer. Not even ‘Becky With the Good Hair’ has been the subject of such media speculation, with some of Europe’s biggest clubs reportedly lining up to sign the playmaker this summer.

But Manchester United won’t wait until the summer to grab Mahrez. Sir Alex Ferguson and Sir Bobby Charlton have a big black bag ready to swipe the Algerian in as he walks down the Old Trafford tunnel on Sunday. It’s still a more tactile approach than anything Ed Woodward has tried in the transfer market recently.

Manchester City’s entire team will take to the pitch in bubble football suits

Manuel Pellegrini’s side travel south to face Southampton on Sunday, but with the second leg of their Champions League semi-final against Real Madrid looming their minds will be understandably elsewhere. If Manchester City could field an entirely second string team at the St Mary’s they probably would.

Unfortunately Premier League regulations stop teams from doing that, and so Pellegrini will take unprecedented measures to ensure his side makes the trip to the Spanish capital unharmed and fully fit next week. The Chilean has ordered 11 bubble football suits to protect his players against Southampton ahead of next week’s second leg. Even then, Sergio Aguero will likely still find a way to injure himself. They might have to double wrap him.

Arsene Wenger will show off his new dugout outfit bought from BHS

Never one to turn down a bargain, Arsene Wenger pinched Stan Kroenke’s wallet when he wasn’t looking and headed out to the high street upon news of BHS’s demise this week. They might have sold out of unknown teenager French strikers with only a few goals to their name, but he would at least pick up a new zippy jacket for a knockdown price.

Of course, the Arsenal boss has made the most of a high street store’s administration before. He signed Mikael Silvestre in the same year that Woolworths went bust - coincidence? This time, however, Wenger only picked up a new outfit for the dugout, which he will show off against Norwich City on Saturday. It’s a shame he won’t have the possibility of returning it, though. Silvestre was bought without a returns policy too, it can only be assumed.

Confusion at St James’ Park as Yohan Cabaye will deliberately blast a penalty over the bar

Crystal Palace might have secured their first FA Cup final appearance in 26 years last weekend with victory over Watford, but the Eagles are without a win in the Premier League at the last 18 attempts. And so Alan Pardew has drafted in help, enlisting English rugby coach Eddie Jones to give his side a “little bit of a lift.” Because calling on rugby’s best for help worked so well when Southampton hired Sir Clive Woodward.

Unfortunately Jones had a slightly different idea of what that “lift” would constitute. He has since been teaching Pardew’s squad on how to perform the perfect line-out, also whispering the secrets to taking the perfect penalty in the ear of Yohan Cabaye. So when the Frenchman steps up to the spot against Newcastle United this weekend and skies one over the bar there will be at least an explanation.

Spurs will offer Harry Kane a new contract before and after Monday’s clash with Chelsea

Tottenham Hotspur are in the process of building a new stadium ready for the start of the 2018/19 season, but they could use a big old wall around White Hart Lane this summer to stop rival clubs from poaching their best players.

The North London club are on edge about whether they will be able to keep hold of everyone that has made them so great this season. Mauricio Pochettino, Delle Ali, Toby Alderweireld, Erik Lamela and Christian Eriksen have all reportedly been lined up for new contracts. Harry Kane is also set for a new deal - his third such extension in the space of just 18 months.

At this rate Spurs will be offering the striker a new contract with every single goal he scores. In fact, just to keep Kane happy the North London club plan to slap down a piece of paper in front of the striker before and after Monday night’s match, just to make sure Chelsea don’t somehow snaffle him upon the visit to Stamford Bridge. Not even Roman Abramovich could push through a transfer whilst he’s on the pitch… could he?