Bahrain GP: Racing 1, Politics 0

Praise be to F1 drivers, young and not-so-young. Thanks to their efforts in Bahrain, F1 fans got to forget about the qualification fiasco for a couple of hours and, instead, enjoy some proper wheel-to-wheel action and crash-bang-wallop incidents.

Bernie Ecclestone may publically denounce the drivers and teams but, in Bahrain, it was those drivers and teams who put on a real show while, behind the scenes, the sport’s bosses kept taking the stupid tablets.

That’s why the Bahrain GP talking points are all about the race, and not about the amateur politics. Here are five of the best.

Bright Van Man

For once, it wasn’t Max Verstappen grabbing the youth club headlines. With Fernando Alonso sidelined by a broken rib (watching him take Sky pundit Johnny Herbert to task for saying he should retire was like watching Zorro despatch a bothersome bluebottle), McLaren boss Ron Dennis reluctantly gave reserve driver Stoffel Vandoorne (pictured above) his F1 debut drive.

Blimey. The 24-year-old Belgian promptly outqualified team-mate Jenson Button, a former champion remember, and then drove that uncooperative McLaren into the points.

Vandoorne showed his racing mettle early on, coming out on top after a gripping tussle with Hulkenberg. He left both Force Indias for dead, on a day that Force India would rather forget. After his showing in Bahrain, as well as his mighty GP2 season last year, Vandoorne will be impatient to land a proper drive – he’ll get one.

A special mention for Pascal Wehrlein, the superbly-talented 21-year-old German-Mauritian being blooded at Manor – he brought his little-fancied car home in 13^th position, ahead of a Sauber and two Force Indias. Amazement all round and another talented youngster begins to make his mark on F1.

As for Jenson, who’s now one of F1’s old geezers. Well, he passed Vandoorne on the opening lap but his grotty weekend ended on lap seven with a retiral.

Retiral. That’s a word that keeps haunting Jenson and, after this start to the 2016 season, he’d be excused a call to Ghostbusters.

The Romain Empire

At the last race, in Melbourne, Romain Grosjean said his sixth place was ‘just like a win’ for F1 newbies Haas. That made the hunt for superlatives a little tricky when he piloted his Ferrari-powered chariot into fifth position in Bahrain.

Grosjean, wearing the bemused grin of an Amish in a nudist colony, sensibly side-stepped superlatives, instead praising his team’s aggressive tyre strategy and all-round professionalism.

While Grosjean qualified in an impressive ninth place, his Haas co-pilot Gutierrez started 13^th and lasted only ten laps before retiring.

Because of how F1 teams are funded, the points already accrued by Grosjean could be worth up to $50million for Haas next year. This team is going places.

They shoot horses, don’t they?

One of Ferrari’s two prancing horses fell at the first. Actually, it stumbled out of the horsebox, let rip in a most unpleasant manner and expired before the race had begun. We heard Vettel radio ‘I think I might have an engine failure’ and then … lots of smokey stuff from the Ferrari. Game over.

That’s two terminal engine problems in two races for the Maranello engineers to sweat over. As predicted in this very column, Ferrari’s 2016 power unit is fast but fragile while, elsewhere on the grid, the 2015 engine is doing a reasonable and reliable job for Ferrari customers.

Raikkonen compounded Ferrari’s woes with a properly rubbish start but he put the car to good use, carving his way through the field to finish a creditable second.

No, he didn’t smile on the podium. Possibly because he’s contractually forbidden to crack a grin in public but probably because the champagne was replaced with alcohol-free rosewater for this GP.

On your Mercs, get set

The record books will show a (relatively) disappointing first and third finish for the Brackley bullets. The race reports will show that Nico Rosberg started from second and controlled the race from the first lap, while Lewis Hamilton fought back gamely after being hit at the first corner by a clumsy Valtteri Bottas, for which the Williams driver received a drive-through penalty.

But, of course, knowing what happened is far less illuminating than knowing why it happened. Lewis threw his launch away again, despite starting on pole.

There are several reasons why a good start is critical in F1 – the nearer the front you are, the less danger there is of becoming part of someone else’s accident; if you’re ahead of your team-mate, you’ll generally get first call on strategic opportunities such as pit stops; and overtaking is hard in F1, so getting stuck behind slightly slower cars can cripple your race.

Whatever is causing Hamilton’s problems on the start needs to be solved, and quickly, because he is gifting his team-mate points at the moment. Had he been sitting in second rather than seventh at the end of the first lap, Hamilton would have been in a position to pressure Rosberg – and we all know how fast Lewis is when it’s Hammertime.

There is a caveat to this observation. Dropping one or both of the Mercs down the field makes for a much more entertaining day’s racing so, y’know, don’t sort your problems out too quickly guys.

More bangs for your buck

Those first laps in Bahrain, what did they remind me of? The precision motoring of Jackie Stewart at his best? Nope. Ken Block performing inch-perfect stunts in a hooned-up Ford? Nah. A balmy evening at the Arena Essex Raceway in balmy Purfleet? Ah, yes, banger racing.

Whoosh… goes Vettel’s engine before the lights have gone out. Crash… as Bottas batters through the field, literally when it comes to Hamilton’s car. Pop… goes Sainz’s tyre, after a collision with Perez. Dunk… goes part of Ricciardo’s front wing, as he nudges into the enthusiastic Bottas. Phutt… goes Palmer’s race, as he fails to start from the pitlane.

Did I miss anything?

It’s a reminder that, while racing is fun when the pros show us how it should be done, it’s a proper hoot when they screw it up.

Bernie, if you really want to spice up F1, award points for crash of the day. And force each team to use Pastor Maldonado at least once. You know it makes as much sense as anything else that’s been suggested of late.