Battle of the waterfalls: Old Trafford vs BVB Stadion – which one comes out on top?

International football is supposed to be a break from the tedious churn of the club game, but some stories never truly go away.

No, we are not referring to the desperate attempts of Premier League clubs to game profit and sustainability rules. We are talking about some malfunctioning infrastructure. You expect rain in Manchester. In fairness, you expect it in the industrial heart of Germany. Just not quite this much of it.

Twice now we have seen heavy rainfall challenge the drainage systems at Borussia Dortmund’s BVB Stadion. First it was the serious but retrospectively innocent showers which punctuated Turkey vs Georgia last week.

On Saturday evening we witnessed far more frightening conditions, vengeful God weather, during Germany vs Denmark. Thunder, lightning and so much rain it triggered involuntary Stone Roses earworms as the roof, unable to cope, dumped the excess liquid on the fans below like they were children at an Iberian outdoor pool, enjoying their day and subsequent food poisoning.

It was so bad that referee Michael Oliver took the players off for a period. It was so bad that people were comparing it to the leaky roof at Old Trafford.

But whose leaky roof is the best/worst/wettest?

Height

At its highest point Old Trafford has about 30 ft on the yellow wall. That makes der deutschefußballwasserfall look like a calming feature in a masseuse’s waiting room to the veritable Niagara on Sir Matt Busby Way.

Winner: Old Trafford

Strength of flow

Both healthy, unbroken streams and clear in colour, suggesting excellent hydration. Hang on, what are we talking about again? Look, I am not an expert in fluid physics. I am no Ludwig Prandtl, but I reckon that water is trickling slightly harder in Germany than in England, and as Prandtl died in Göttingen there is a reasonable chance he was a Dortmund fan, so there can be only one winner.

Winner: BVB Stadion

Risk of damage to property

Leaks were so bad at Old Trafford they got into Arsenal’s dressing room. Their third-choice goalkeeper’s watch is probably worth more than the shorts, trainers and replica shirts of the blocks of fans who suffered at the Euros.

Winner: Old Trafford

Apocalyptic portents

Dortmund certainly had the more frightening weather, but at its worst the OG OT waterfall seemed to be flooding out of executive boxes and down the steps below, like a prawn sandwich version of The Shining. Terrifying.

Winner: Old Trafford

Jollity of reaction

At Manchester United the roof is held up as an example of Everything Wrong With The Club. In Dortmund some madcap topless Danes danced around in the waterfall like a much chillier and far drunker Peter Andre in the video to Mysterious Girl.

Winner: BVB Stadium

Overall winner

Football